a letter to up above

Reads: 196  | Likes: 0  | Shelves: 0  | Comments: 0

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

More Details
Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
i simply met an angel in human form

Submitted: August 11, 2019

A A A | A A A

Submitted: August 11, 2019

A A A

A A A


I

A letter to up above

This is a letter to you.

 

I just couldn't help myself.

I could help you you caught my attention.

I'm sorry you happened to be in a relationship at the time.

But i truly just couldn't help myself.

 

I couldn't help the fact that you made me feel like I couldn't hold the butterflies in my stomach no longer so i made it obvious of the way i felt without having a single butterfly go to you directly.

Without having to say a single word to you.

 

I couldn't help the fact that everytime you would glance at me,

the revolving service structure.

That is the heaviest weighing object ‘in the world.’

Yes, It hurt just as much to look at you like how it felt to be hit with a 4.86 million pound object knowing i could not be with you.

 

Making eye contact with you was so easy. 

to slip a glance into those eyes. 

but it was impossible not to get caught. 

My eyes would wander as if I had been staring at something or someone beyond you. 

But as i wondered, 

my eyes, 

they always went back to yours. 

Always. 

they met yours, finally. 

 

with no light needed, 

I can see every line in your dark brown eyes. 

how each individual line went from all sides of your eyelid to you center of your pupil. 

 

I tell you this in case you have never seen an angel before. 

Never before did I really think I would be describing in detail how perfect someone was 

until I met you for the first time. 

 

all the time, 

I was telling you

to stop playing with my heart because I knew you didn't like me.

but another half me said please,

please don't stop talking to me. 

And even though half the time we didn't know what to talk about, 

just you texting me in the first place out of your own convenience,

was a blessing itself. 

 

I always wanted to tell you,

how much I loved being around you. 

and how I wanted to spend every moment with you. 

Every moment I was with you, 

I really cherish it as if it was going to be the last time I was ever gonna see you. 

It's not everyday you get to come across something so beautiful. 

Someone so perfect. 

 

And i couldn't just tell you that. 

Because even though you had gotten out of a relationship, 

I convinced everyone, 

including you, 

that I no longer had feelings when deep down I knew what I felt. 

And that wasn't the case at all. 

And because of that, 

You got into another relationship with someone else.

 

But Seeing you smile everyday would still turn the clouds away from my view,

It would still shine the brightest lights in the darkest spots of my room. 

 

I honestly thought it was so cute when you noticed you had dimples for the first time if you smiled hard enough. 

I have so many pictures of you just smiling at me through the phone just to show me that you had them.

 

you put me in a place where I had never been before. 

And it was funny because i was there almost everyday and yet i craved every second of it when I wasn't there. 

 

I'm not even going to lie, 

it killed me to see all of these people who you had dated.

And how careless they were of your trust and presence. 

They told you that they loved you,

what they felt for you was not love, 

and I truly don't believe they even cared for you.. 

“I love you” was just a convenient way to convey their, 

so called, 

“Security.”

 

not saying that i loved you, 

but I surely did care.

And i still do.

And i always will.

 

And trust me, 

I'll never forget the day you found out.

but the funny thing is, 

is that even though i felt my heart fall into my stomach

As the seconds passed,

As you guessed away,

it was so easy to just tell you in the end. 

The butterflies didn’t speak for themselves this time.

It felt good to get it off my chest and to tell you myself.

 

from that day, 

we didn't stop talking. 

Everyday we said good morning. 

every night we facetimed. 

Every night we laughed and talked about our days.

Our ups and our downs.

Our highs and our lows.

We would make each other forget.

And I was still convinced you didn't like me. 

 

It took you and i four months to finally come together. 

I can not tell the rush in my body that you gave me when you wrapped your arms around me for the first time. 

Every cell in my body made circles in me like how the coin slowly twists its way down to its flat surface. 

That moment of absolute clarity and realization that hit me when you held my hand for the first time. 

 

Something about the way you talk is crazy. 

Sometimes I'll go back into our old messages 

and I would listen to the videos that you would send me with your voice in it just so I can have it go through one ear and out the other, 

and then again, 

I'll tell myself that I need to listen to the video just to hear your voice for the what, seventeenth time now? 

 

if I could describe the way your lips made music every time you talked to me.

there would be no more music to compose. 

no more melodies to be made. 

 

If I could describe the way our fingers would slide past each other and how they would press and get attached like zippers.

that was the only time I had ever wished the zipper would have gotten stuck on the fabric alongside it because,

I never wanted to let go.

 

If I could describe what it felt like to see you in the necklace I had bought for you. 

When I would see it on the outside if your shirt it would make me feel special.

You showing it off to the world.

It was a good feeling, yes,

but when i would see it on the inside of your shirt, 

It made me feel, you. 

It made me feel that much closer to you when you had it closer to your heart. 

 

I used to have this special place for your jacket.

It was the second hook on my wall.

Now that hook lays empty.

 

because stupid me.

I was very aware that nothing good lasts forever. 

I just knew that everything we said to each other,

Was only in the moment, 

and that you were way too good to be true.

I guess i thought this was different.

 

But even when you're not around,

I still hear the music that your lips played.

It's the same music they made when they were right next to me. 

Even as you may have so far away from me,

It still plays like a loud constant echo in my ears.

 

if I could describe what it felt like to lose you. 

to lose my angel. 

 

I let you slip through my fingers and god what i would do to have you in my arms again. 

I let you fall through every crack in my hand like a melting candle. 

 

You were stuck there and yet so easy to peel off. 

In my moments where I had “forgotten” and my mind was elsewhere. 

But even then,

as you weren't mine, 

you cross my mind every second of every day.

As the weeks go by.

[And months pass]

I hear you,

I think of you.

 

I truly have no idea why I would wait for you.

Maybe it's because I have such a hard time making promises but i had  made so many with you.

Like when i said you were worth it all.

You still are worth it all and you still are worth the wait.

 

Maybe it's because deep down i thought i would have the chance to love you.

 

The more and more I repeat your painful words in my head, 

the more and more the candle dripped and the more and more it all built up on my hand. 

it built a mountain. 

a mountain of thoughts of you. 

my hand will let you slip through it, 

but not the memories. 

not the thought of you. 

just you. 

 

you couldn’t even look at me. 

the hardest part was having to watch the pain in your eyes when you said goodbye. 

I'm not even sure if it was pain you felt because you had to let go and you didn't want to, 

or because you knew that what you were going to say would hit me with such force.

 

you took a glance at me looked up and said to me,

“I just dont think this’ll work.” 

 

I can still hear your voice cracking in the back of my mind as if you were going to cry

but you didn’t. 

your beautiful eyes were still pearly white. 

 

I can still hear the frustration in your voice when you said to me, 

“stop trying so hard to make this work.” 

but thats all i wanted. 

I wanted it to work. 

I wanted to make you feel like no else had ever made you feel.

And to be honest i thought i was doing great.

 

But nobody’s perfect.

Not even you my love.

But still in my eyes, 

you were indeed perfect.

And you still are perfect.

And you always will be.

 

and i really thought we would last,

I really did.

But we didn't. 

 

The fact that I can still tear that fell off your cheek when you were explaining to me that you didn’t want to talk about it,

It shocks me how loud you cries for help echoed,

But your cries and tears itself didn't.

 

I see your face every time I close my eyes. 

 

I kill myself everyday because i remember telling you that i would cherish evey moment i had your hand in mine. 

The last time I held your hand i had to reach for it. 

It felt very forced.

I was rubbing the back if your knuckles as you were crying into my shoulder. 

You face fit into my neck like a perfectly shaped crescent moon.

But, that also felt forced.

And I know you hate crying.

Especially in front of people. 

but you kept pulling away. 

You were pulling your hand out of mine. 

I was trying to make you feel okay, 

You kept pulling away from me, 

You were getting farther and farther away from me

 and with just a little bit of time, 

You finally left me. 

 

The last time you had your arms around me, 

I guess I just didn't know it was going to be the last time i would feel your body against mine. 

Even though I barely felt your arms around me, 

And even though afterwards you didn't even look at me,

I wish I had held on longer. 

 

my time with you wasn’t over is what I felt and what i still feel.

and i pray every night hoping you’ll come back to me. 

 

You flew away

And i totally understand and,

Its okay.

I respect the fact that you need your space.



 

september 11, 2019.

I didn't know that when you said you needed space that it was going to be permanent.

So now i know.

And i must learn to move on.

So thank you for making 3 months worth it.

I hope you enjoyed my company.

I'll try not to remember, but I'll never forget.

 

This is a letter to you, my angel.


© Copyright 2020 BadflowerAddict. All rights reserved.

  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • Reddit
  • Pinterest
  • Invite

Add Your Comments: