HOW THE SPOOK STOLE KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKENMAS
By Crinjo Mahogany
Every Coon down in Coonville loved Chickenmas a lot but the wild Spook just north of Coonville really did not!
The Spook hated Chickenmas! Hated the whole season, now nobody knows why, so please don't ask the reason
He hated fried chicken, he hated it a might; it could just be his coonhead wasn't on right
Or it could be that his wifebeater was on to tight
But I think the most likely reason of all, is that his KFC bucket was two sizes too small
But whatever the reason, his wifebeater or bucket, he stood there in his hovel hating Nantucket.
But that was besides the point, his stood there at his cave with a black coony frown, at the heated KFC establishments down in the coons town, for he knew every coon in Coonville was busy right now, eating fried chicken and singing Chickenmas carrols
Tomorrow is Chickenmas! It's practically here!
Then he growled with his spooky fingers nervously drumming
He knew then he must stop Chickenmas from coming!
For tomorrow he knew...
...All the coon girls and boys would wake bright and early, to go down to the coonshop manned by Shirley, and order their Chicken
Oh the noise! The slurping, crunching, yelling
That's the one thing he hated, the sound of children gnawing and cawing
Then the coons, young and old would sit down to their Chickenmas Feast
And they'd eat sheets, tweets and meat and upon their feet they'd wear their kleats
They would Feast on coongrapedrink and a rare roast Coonbeast
Which was something the Spook couldn't stand in the least
Then they'd do something he liked LEAST of all
Every Coon down in Coonville, the tall and the small would stand close together with chicken bells ringing, hand in hand
The coons would begin to start singing
They'd sing and sing the chicken bells would ring and in China there was a Dynasty of Ming
And the more the Spook thought of this coon chicken song
The more the spook thought "I must stop this Chickenmas, surely it's wrong!"
Then he got an idea, a spooky idea
I know just what I'll do!
Steal all the chicken from the Coonville Coons!
The spook looked around, but since there wasn't a chicken to be found
He took his grouse and painted it white and red, sensually in his bed
So he took a sleigh and sped down the mountain to each Coonshack to steal their Chicken
And Elvish shook out his Pelvis and said "Just you wait a cotton pickin’ minute"
Though he was but a mirage, and the Spook continued down
Toward the homes where the Coons lay and snooze
While resting on the mantle are their size 19 shoes
He came to the first house, and robbed them of their chicken without so much as a snag
He stuffed all the fried chicken right into a bag
But the next house wasn't so easy, or cheesy, little Sheri-Loon-Coon awoke to a crash
Who was not more than George Cooney 40 years ago or basically as old as Ash
"Colonel Sanders why are you stealing our chicken"
And old Spooky Sanders thought up a lie and he thought it up quick
"Ah little Sheri Loon Coon, your fried chicken isn't seasoned quite enough"
"I'm just taking it back to my workshop to spice it up, n’stuff"
Sheri Loon Coon was fooled by this fib
And returned to her bed, with her fried chicken bib
The last thing he took was a breast from their fridge
He didn't like chicken, but their sadness tasted good
and then before him appeared ElijahWoon Coon
"One ring to rule them all, and all that stuff, give me the chicken and you will not bluff"
But alas he was a mirage as well, the Chicken was about to go on a dryspell
"All of the coons will see their chicken in HELL!"
It was quarter past dawn
And all the coons still in bed
All the coons still a snooze
When he packed up his Chickensled
Packed it up with their chicken
The white meat!
Uh...strange chicken he thought, what chicken had tinsel...
Three thousand feet up
Up the mountain Chicken Summit
He road with his chicken load to the tip-top to dump it!
They're finding out now no chicken is coming, they're just waking up, I know just what they'll do their mouths will hang open a minute or two, no chicken will fall into it
Then all the Coons down in Coonville will cry, boohoo, that was a noise
The spook really must hear!
So he paused and put his hand to his ear
But he heard not crying, not pouting about
All the coons in Coonville joined hands and sung!
He stared down at Coonville and dropped his eyes
Then he shook, it t’was quite a surprise
Every Coon down In Coonville the tall and Jamal, was singing!
Without any chicken at all!
He hadn't stop Chickenmas from coming! It came!
Without the chicken, grape drink or all, but the spirit was the same
The spook stood with his feet in the snow
Puzzling and puzzling
Then the Spook thought of something he never did before!
Maybe Chickenmas doesn't come from KFC, but means something more!
And what happened then?
Well in Coonville they say the Spook’s small KFC bucket expanded three sizes that day.
To a family bucket size.
His Chicken didn't feel so tight he whizzed with his load into a bright morning light!
And he brought back the chicken, grapedrink and all, to the coons of Coonville
With the feast food back, the feast was now had
In attendance was all the Coons of Coonville, Sheri Loon Coon, Jamal Harpoon Coon
And he himself!
Carved The rare Roastcoon Beast
© Copyright 2016 Barganted. All rights reserved.
Short Story / Action and Adventure
Short Story / Commercial Fiction
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