Barry's Guide to Commuting

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Travel  |  House: Booksie Classic
I travel a lot for work. It's irritating and demining at times. I once got so cross on a train that I broke a shoe. So I wrote a guide to help my fellow commuter.

Submitted: November 09, 2015

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Submitted: November 09, 2015

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I've become accustomed to sitting down for long periods of time. It's just something I've experienced from my day to day life and I'm really good at it. I can sit in all sorts of chairs, from big chairs to stools (which aren’t defined as “chairs” specifically). I will even be a little different from the norm and sit on a bed - oh, I know beds aren't for sitting but I play by my own rules. I'm not like you, bed-sleeper.

 

Bean bags? Yeah, I’ve sat in some in my life time. I’m able to get out of them too; otherwise I’d be dead like all those foolish inexperienced sitters who naively attempt a bean bag. I’m glad they’re dead.

 

I ask myself what am I to do with this great power? Well, as Spider-Man's uncle once said to him... “your parents are dead, so me and your Aunt have to take care of you now.”

 

One of the burdens of such a power is having to use it for mundane trivial pursuits – like commuting back and forth to my job. I just want to sit alone and wallow in my own self-pity whilst allowing my brain to implode within itself, thus granting me the required aptitude needed to get through my day. Other commuters can relate to this, I’m sure.

 

Therefore I've devised a list of handy hints to obtain your own seat:

 

smell your hands (all the time) - if somebody is smelling their hands them it's never for a good reason. I can guarantee that not one person in the entire history of mankind has ever smelled their hands and nodded in pleasant acceptance from the result. With this in mind, take heed of this advice and just sit there sniffing the tips of your fingers with a subtle, deranged, grotesque look about you. If anybody looks like they're even considering sharing your seat then meekly hold your fingers out to them with a sombre expression. Do a practice go now (smell ‘em).

 

Bring your Nan - she'll be fine. Just have her next to you, being really nice and maybe feeding you toffees occasionally and mentioning how lovely you are and how it is nice you're taking her out. Then leave her on the train or coach or whatever mode of transport you’re taking. She's the driver's problem now. If you don’t have a nan then just take an old person off the streets. Old people are confused easy so just be confident in telling them you’re their grandchild. Silly old c*nts.

 

Poke your finger through your fly – Ha ha. I know, right? Funniest thing ever. It works if you’re a boy or a girl. Just unzip your fly and sit there wiggling the tip of your finger through it. Like a little worm on a fishing hook or like an actual penis. Stare relentlessly at it in amazement and giggle because it’s actually hilarious.

 

Cry – F**k it. You’re going to work anyway and it’s going to be terrible. If you just stop and think what you’re doing with your life and simply let go of the repressed sadness then the overwhelming feeling of underachievement and deviated potential with utter regret will hit you like the ferocious tidal wave of emotion that it is. Or you can just…

 

Smile – Because nobody other than the outright deranged smile early in the morning for no reason. Or those people you say things like “smile – it might never happen” or “cheer up” without having the intelligence to understand the simple human interaction involving probable thought provoking facial expressions. They fail to think that you’re looking glum because you’re just feeling that way and it’s going to take a lot more than a simple command to smile to change that. So smile because it’s odd and scary.

 

Take off your shoes – place them on the spare seat and stare relentlessly out of the window. Remain there like that bit in Terminator 2 when The Terminator just stares out of the window all night. This will mean the seat-searcher will need to move your shoes themselves. Maybe hilariously tie your shoe laces together so they see this and feel bad that they’re about to mess up an elaborate trick being played on you. Scream if they do touch your shoes like they’re touching your genitals.

 

Be Dead – This could go either way really. Being dead has its setbacks, I assume. Maybe not being able to *insert sufficient human mannerism here* and other things of that nature. Pro point though, you won’t have to go to work or commute to it. Also, people would be scared to sit next to a dead person because they’re dead. I wouldn’t mind too much, you not worry about awkwardly touching knees or indistinct small talk about the traffic or how f**king smelly the carriage is (when it’s you who smells. Lol).

 

Cut your own hair – Cutting your own hair is an easy way to attract a mate as they’ll be rather impressed with your intuitive. However, that’s what you don’t want to happen on your commute. Imagine then being in a relationship with somebody who you have to sit with every day and just being around you all the time. What if you end up living together and then getting up at the same time, going to work, coming home together to the same home and then having dinner and that together. The only time you’ll have away from one another is at work and that’s the worst personal time you can hope for… Now that you’ve finished being sick, allow me to continue helping you – cut the hair, fine but then put it into a sandwich and eat it. You can add butter and other condiments if you wish, just let the people see what you’re doing. Not only will you be the talk of the town with your trendy new haircut but you’ll also be ready to conquer your work thanks to a healthy and delicious breakfast. Nobody wants to sit next to somebody who is eating. Yuck.

 

Pretend like you’re on a roller-coaster – This is probably the most fun out of all the tips because pretending to do things is fun. Sometimes I pretend like work closer to my house and could just walk there or if I had the confidence to phone in sick all the time. Other times I pretend like I’m a girl but that’s for reasons that I’ll keep to myself (I LIKE WEARING DRESSES). Roller-coasters are generally sh*t though and people with any sort of eyes know this. So if you pretend like you’re on one then people will say things like “F**king roller-coaster? They’re sh*t” and “I hope this guy on the roller-coaster gets stuck on the roller-coaster”. Anyways, just be all happy about it and keep throwing your arms up in the air or being sick – just things idiots do on a roller-coaster.

 

Be the transport DJ – Remember the cool dudes from the 80’s and 90’s? They had high top trainers, dressed in a shell suit and held a stereo on their shoulder to blast tunes into their ears. Okay - do that but make your choice of music specific to your reluctance for a seating partner. My personal favourite is Simon and Garfunkel’s The Sound of Silence. It often replicates my mood on these sorts of journeys and will put off any keen, life-loving fools with misguided optimism and healthy outlook on life. Other sombre songs will work too. Nod your head in appreciation and maybe close your eyes and try to mumble along to the words.

 

There you go. Just follow a couple of these tips throughout the week and you’ll be able to sit on your own and enjoy what life you have left.


© Copyright 2018 Barrington K. All rights reserved.

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