Does anyone out there remember Right Time Malt Liquor?
I didn't know it at the time but the shit was actually brewed by Hamm's Brewing Company. It came in two "flavors" the red flavor had a sickeningly sweet flavor and was marketed towards the female drinker - the yellow flavor was supposedly tart and was marketed toward the male drunk.
I was about twelve and Right Time was my first drunk - the first of thousands. For some reason known only to him, while cruising down Hennepin Avenue in his shitbox Gremlin, my brother in law thought it would be a fun idea for me to break my drinking cherry with this demon swill, so we swung into a liquor store that catered mainly to skid row drunks and picked up a four pack - the "red" flavor since it was my first time.
We scored a pizza and settled down in front of the boob tube to watch an away Gophers game and I popped the top of the first drink of my life. All I remember of this bender is that drinking four bottles of this crap brought on a drunk equal to washing down a hit of blotter acid with a bottle of generic NyQuil. And the experiment went horribly wrong when I barfed a gallon of bright red vomit - with extra mushrooms - all over my sister's lily white shag carpet.
It was such a horrible drinking debut I'm surprised that I ever drank again. But on the contrary, malt liquor became a staple of my high school and Navy drinking years. It was cheap, you got more miles per gallon with malt liquor than you did with beer, and it was easily found in the bars and liquor stores that I would frequent as a sailor.
So how do they rate you may ask?
Well, there are hundreds of malt liquors but let's rank the top 5:
# 5. Would have to be Right Time - the drunk was incredible like I mentioned, but the taste was the equivalant of drinking a bottle of witch hazel with some crumbled up Sweet Tarts shaken up in it. Off the market but I rate in the top five for pure sentimental reasons.
# 4. Champale - a very under-rated brew. Marketed as the "poor man's champagne" or "champagne on a beer budget" it actually has a high octane champagne flavor that was kind of like drinking an alcoholic 7UP. Gave off a smooth fun buzz without a crippling hangover. Actually is still brewed by Pabst and is marketed to low income street vagrants with a sense of style and class.
# 3. Schlitz Malt Liquor aka The Bull - both a high school and ghetto favorite it has sort of a skunky sweet flavor but this son of a bitch goes down smooth! Has more of a cheap beer than malt liquor flavor but pours out in a glass with a nice head to it. You have to drink it ice cold but this bad boy puts out. Will leave you with a crippling hangover if you you drink it on a empty stomach or drink more than a six pack. Can be purchased damn near everywhere but you can always find it in a bad neighborhood.
# 2. Crazy Horse - Controversial because of it's name and found mainly in the Hood, this is a delightful malt liquor with a sweet grain like flavor that almost comes off like a cream ale. It's the kind of malt liquor that is great for guzzling since it has a little bit lower alcohol content and less carbonation so you can pound more of them down. Gives off a decent and good buzz but will make you fart like a goat.
# 1. Olde English 800 - the classic stands by itself. Drink it from a bottle or a can it doesn't really matter. A true sailor, vagrant, and bum malt liquor. It's cheap and goes down smooth - smoke a couple of joints with a six pack of this shit and you'll get a buzz like you will not believe. I drank a six pack one night watching Monday Night Football and woke up in the middle of the night pissing on a heater.
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