The Coolidge Chronicles Part 2

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
part 2 of the greatest fucking collection of short stories ever created by a 23 year old from Leesburg VA

Submitted: August 29, 2012

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Submitted: August 29, 2012

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Chapter 7.24.1-66: Dead On Arrival

 

  • We got a squirter!!!
  • Carlito’s Way (as a street)
  • Dire wolf(ves)
  • Cooper and Big Daddy St. Clair
  • Attacking Jeremiah Fatsole’s base
  • I have a huge impractically large gun that I can’t handle
  • All three (Calvin, Cooper, BD St. Clair) have great catch phrases
  • Crazy battle scene at the end of Avatar
  • Being drunk in church
  • Literally finding what’s over the rainbow
  • Prank calling 911
  • Matching tattoos
  • Standing too close to someone
  • ROXANNE
  • Bath salts
  • Kidnapping someone who is willingly wanting to come with
  • Tap dancing
  • Excessive signage
  • Glass half full/empty
  • Shoe horn
  • Excessive Beards
  • The Last House on the Right
  • Being productively unproductive
  • Jumping to conclusions
  • Touchdown celebrations
  • I’M WET

 

Calvin examined his weapon, an extended barrel M14 with a custom stock and magazines, and noticed that the pink finish was wearing off. Calvin repainted his weapon while he watched for his friends Cooper and Big Daddy St. Clair to arrive. Cooper and Big Daddy St. Clair were Calvin’s best and oldest friends. They had done countless missions together all done to completion without any flaws. Calvin had called Cooper and Big Daddy St. Clair to help him with his current mission. Calvin had been led astray by one of his former partners, Jeremiah Fatsole. Calvin had helped Jeremiah Bring Sexy Back but all the profits from the mission had gone to Jeremiah and the company he worked for. Jeremiah had built a base of operations while Calvin had gone on other missions to help the world (you’re welcome). Calvin had called for Cooper and Big Daddy St. Clair’s help because Jeremiah was extremely intelligent and capable of creating inventions that Calvin would have trouble dealing with if he was alone. Cooper and Big Daddy St. Clair weren’t exceptional soldiers but they worked like one unit when working with Calvin. Mainly Cooper and Big Daddy St. Clair would distract everyone while Calvin did all of the work. After Calvin was done explaining his current mission and past relationship with his friends Cooper and Big Daddy St. Clair, Cooper and Big Daddy St. Clair arrived at Calvin’s secret base. All three men exchanged greetings and a few laughs. Calvin explained the mission that he had called them there for. Cooper was the most muscular of the group. He preferred to use an AK47 tailored to his grip with customized sights. He also carried four sawed-off shotguns, just in case. Big Daddy was the smallest of the three, but what he lacked in size he made up for in firepower and well groomed facial hair. Most people would say that Big Daddy St. Clair’s beard was “excessive” but most men would truly appreciate his wonderfully grown face stache. Big Daddy’s choice in weapons was excessive, by anyone’s standards but his own. Big Daddy St. Clair used a double barreled mini gun primarily while also having two grenade launchers with a huge cache of grenades. The only thing that was similar between them was their matching dire wolf tattoos. All three men grabbed their weapons and combat gear and got into Calvin’s helicopter. The helicopter stated turning its rotors and took off from Calvin’s secret base (The last house on the right on Carlitos Way). As Calvin was flying the helicopter he noticed Big Daddy St. Clair standing behind him, but at an uncomfortably close distance. Calvin told Big Daddy to man one of the turrets and keep watch for any of Jeremiah Fatsole’s allies. Calvin had only the slightest clue as to where Jeremiah Fatsole’s base would be. He knew Jeremiah loved the song “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” so Calvin looked for a base literally over a rainbow. After Calvin had checked the world weather for a permarainbow he knew where to go. Once Calvin’s helicopter got into visual range of Jeremiah’s base, the bases defenses began an eruption of gunfire directed at Calvin’s helicopter. Big Daddy St. Clair and Cooper returned fire but Calvin was having trouble flying the helicopter with all of the incoming fire. Calvin’s flying of the helicopter, at that point, was akin to being drunk in church. Calvin was trying to make it look like nothing was wrong but everyone could tell that Calvin was struggling. Calvin decided that it was pointless for him to try and keep the helicopter airborne, so he landed it in an area with way too many KEEP OUT signs. All three men jumped out of the helicopter and opened fire. With all the gunfire and yelling, the only thing Calvin could compare it to was the last battle scene in Avatar. As was customary with all of their missions together Calvin, Big Daddy St. Clair and Cooper yelled out their catch phrases. Big Daddy St. Clair yelled out “I’M WET!!!” Cooper yelled “WE GOT A SQUIRTER!” Calvin sang the opening verse to the Police song “Roxanne” but in an angry and really intimidating fashion. Calvin saw Big Daddy St. Clair and Cooper shooting at thought that since their gunfire was productively unproductive; it would give Calvin a chance to get inside the base. Calvin rushed the base, got inside, and proceeded to open the front doors. What happened next though, shook Calvin to his bones. He saw what Jeremiah Fatsole had been working on the entire time, weapons specifically built to kill Big Daddy St. Clair and Cooper. A large magnifying glass loomed over Big Daddy St. Clair. Since Big Daddy St. Clair was extremely pale, the amplified sun rays sunburned Big Daddy St. Clair to death. When Calvin turned to Cooper to see if he was OK he noticed a sidewalk in the middle of the field. Cooper was the most muscular of the group, he was also the most clumsy as well. Cooper mounted the sidewalk, but with all the confusion of the battle, Cooper fell off the sidewalk, destroying his ankle. Calvin watched as Cooper struggled on the floor, firing at his enemies. Calvin wanted to go save his good friend, but he knew if Cooper wasn’t rushed to a really comfortable couch within the hour, he wouldn’t survive. Cooper knew this as well, so he made eye contact with Calvin and motioned him to go ahead with the mission. Calvin watched Cooper turn on of Big Daddy St. Clair’s grenade launchers on himself. Calvin solemnly closed the front doors to Jeremiah base, and barred them from the inside so no one could follow Calvin. Calvin was usually a glass half full kind of guy, but right now he was a glass half empty guy, mainly because he imagined shoving the glass into Jeremiah’s fucking face. Calvin didn’t want to jump to any conclusions, but Jeremiah Fatsole was going to get his, hard, by the end of the chapter. Calvin decided he was going to need an extra boost to get through Jeremiah’s base so he pulled out his emergency supply of bath salts and snorted them. Calvin then pulled out his shoe horn and blew like Boromir from Lord of the Rings. Calvin hoped by doing that he would entice Jeremiah out of hiding. It didn’t work. Calvin then proceeded further into the base. Calvin was surprised by the fact that there was no one inside guarding the base. Calvin made his way through the base without encountering anyone. Calvin realized that Jeremiah Fatsole had committed all his forces to the entrance of the base. Calvin felt like he was the police and someone had prank called 911. Calvin was about to leave when he heard a distant recording of “The Wedding March” playing. Calvin moved towards the sound and found a room he had missed his first time through the base. In the room stood Jeremiah Fatsole in a suit of armor that more like Mr. Freeze and less like Iron Man. Jeremiah proceeded in telling Calvin how he and his two friends were lured into Jeremiah’s perfectly devised trap. Jeremiah described it as if Calvin and his two friends were kidnapped but willing in coming with Jeremiah to his base. This enraged Calvin. Calvin started shooting at Jeremiah, but he soon realized that bullets would not penetrate Jeremiah’s armor. Calvin dropped his guns and put on his steel brass knuckles and charged Jeremiah in a bath salt, zombie-like, face eating rage. Calvin ducked Jeremiah’s attempt at punching him. Calvin then jumped and punched Jeremiah with enough force to kill at least ten cats. Jeremiah’s armor caved in and slowly started to crush Jeremiah. Calvin seized the opportunity to interrogate Jeremiah and ask who was funding him and what organization was behind his operations. Jeremiah refused until Calvin started tap dancing on his caved in armor. The only thing that Jeremiah was able to utter before suffocating was two letters “G” and “B.” Calvin had done it. He had killed Jeremiah, the one man responsible for his friend’s death. He did a touchdown celebration dance because he knew Big Daddy St. Clair and Cooper would want that. Calvin then left the base, on his way to figure out what “G” and “B” stood for.

 

Kill Count:

  • Calvin: 1126
  • Cooper: 5 (Including himself)
  • Big Daddy St. Clair: 3-4 (Unfortunate squirrels)

 

 

Chapter VII: ¿Donde Esta Las Manzanas?

 

-Los Banditos Guapos (José, Pedro, Sánchez, and El Capitán)

-Attempt to avenge Randy (H)Andsome

-Based in Helena, Montana

-Trey “dies” first, but then comes back and attacks Calvin

-Getting soccer and football confused

-Wearing Gucci

-Projectile vomit

-Run-on sentences

-Misted

-Rolling in the deep

-Getting Hard

-Showing no initiative

-Dear Penthouse

-Phlegm

-Arm hair

-Trees

-Being extremely visible whilst wearing camo

-Intentionally ignorant

-Painting

-Silent “K’s”

-Throwing Stars

-Forgetting what you were about to say

-Resorting to alcohol (not drinking it though)

-Being picked first or last in a pickup game

-The hassles of moving in and out

-Paper cuts

-Security systems

 

Calvin’s plane landed and the pilot announced that they had arrived safely in Helena, Montana: Calvin thought to himself “Why the fuck am I in Helena, Montana?”: Calvin remembered that he was in hiding (setting a trap) because Los Banditos Guapos were after him: Los Banditos Guapos were comprised of four members Jose Flan, Pedro Gespatcho, Sanchez El Blanco and El Capitan Del Swag: The reason these men were after Calvin was because they were formerly in the employ of Randy(H)Andsome: Randy (H)Andsome may have not been the bravest of men, but he knew how to employ good men (and how to be extremely racist): Calvin had decided upon Helena because he knew that Helena would be the last place Los Banditos Guapos would look for Calvin: This would buy Calvin some time to prepare a trap for Los Banditos Guapos: Calvin first had to move into his new base of operations (BO): Calvin was reminded of how much he hated moving in/out of new and old BO’s: So many things went missing when he moved (mainly explosives): Once all of Calvin’s things were moved in Calvin started devising and building a security system for his new BO: Calvin luckily had a long and narrow foyer to the entrance of his BO: Calvin decided that this bottleneck would be perfect for Calvin’s traps: Calvin created a system of arms with paper at the ends that would rotate in the foyer when the defensive system was activated: The arms with paper in them would slowly paper cut people to death: Calvin also had, at the end of the hallway, a misting machine that would mist intruders with gasoline so Calvin could set them ablaze: If the gasoline ran out, Calvin would had to resort to alcohol: Calvin decided he had adequately built a defense for his BO so initiated Project: ILE VOMIT: Project: ILE VOMIT was Calvin’s plan on luring Los Banditos Guapos into Calvin’s BO security system: Usually Calvin’s plans are intentionally ignorant, but Calvin couldn’t take that chance with Los Banditos Guapos: Individually the members of Los Banditos Guapos were no match for Calvin, but as a group Calvin wouldn’t be able to defeat them: Calvin painted a very vague plan inside his mind of how he would lure Los Banditos Guapos into his BO and then s: Calvin sat at the bar, and waited to see what would happen that evening: As with the rest of the population of Montana, Calvin showed no initiative towards anything but drinking: Calvin saw four strange men walk in and Calvin immediately became suspicious: Calvin could tell that they knew knothing kabout kanything kthey kwere ktalking kabout: The four men even got soccer and football confused at one point: Calvin could tell that these four Spanish men were Los Banditos Guapos, but the Banditos still thought they had kept their cover: Calvin could see them clearly even though the Banditos thought they had their figurative camo on: Calvin could tell that they didn’t know what Calvin looked like so he went to them and told the Banditos to meet him behind the bar at the trees that looked like throwing stars: Calvin left the bar first, but never went to the trees: Calvin knew then that Los Banditos Guapos would follow the trail that Calvin was leaving for them: Calvin made it back to his BO and immediately put on his bulletproof Gucci sweater: Calvin prepared himself like he was the person that always got picked first for pickup games: While Calvin was writing his Dear Penthouse letters, he heard a knock kon kthe kdoor: Calvin shouted “COME IN!” from the opposite end of the foyer: Calvin saw Los Banditos Guapos walk in carefully: Calvin said “What are you waiting for?”: The four members of Los Banditos Guapos opened fire at Calvin: Calvin rolled out his chair and activated his security system as Los Banditos Guapos entered the foyer: El Captain Del Swag was instantly (and almost stereotypically) taken out first: The other three members made it through the paper arms with minor scratches: Calvin started the mist wall and threw a match at the three intruders: Pedro Gespatcho was killed the blaze, but Jose Flan and Sanchez el Blanco made it through: Calvin could tell that Jose Flan was injured, his arm hair had been burnt off in the fire trap: Calvin focused his attention on the uninjured Sanchez el Blanco: Calvin got his abs hard when Sanchez went to punch Calvin in the stomach: Calvin spit in phlegm filled bile of the lungs at Jose Flan: Calvin’s spit landed in Jose’s eyes, blinding him: Calvin landed a combo on Sanchez El Blanc that killed him in a tornado of arm punches and leg kicks: Calvin then looked at Jose Flan and mumbled in a way that sounded like Sanchez el Blanco and moved Jose Flan back towards the mist machine: Calvin then made Jose Flan join his arm hair, in a big ball of Spanish man flame: Jose’s screams sounded like a dying alley cat, which instantly enraged Calvin: Calvin then heard a groan from the foyer: El Captain Del Swag was alive after all: Calvin went over to where El Captain laid and started questioning him on what “G” or “B” stood for: El Captain Del Sway uttered a name: Gary Blatzer: At that moment, Calvin knew he would be in for a long year: Gary Blatzer was one person Calvin didn’t know; and Calvin knew everyone.

 

-Possible scenario if Calvin is ever not picked first in any pickup game

 

Chapter 774: Wash The Sex Off

 

  • 100 Degree Weather
  • Long Car Rides
  • Anticipation
  • Knowing/Not Knowing when to stop
  • Happy hour
  • Flintlock Pistols
  • Priding yourself at being good at nothing
  • Fast showers
  • The word on the streets
  • K.D. (Not Kevin Durant)
  • Hand models
  • Plying when it’s inconvenient
  • Remotes
  • Pen types
  • Watching the wizard of Oz
  • Walking in a bike lane
  • Breaking the AC
  • Aquarium
  • Having a friendly bartender
  • Singing happy birthday
  • Being aggressively patriotic
  • Sneaking into a bar to pee
  • Preparing for something too early
  • Taking your time or not
  • Chillin on a dirt road
  • Being “that” guy

 

Calvin exited his vehicle, in a Rango-like fashion, and landed in the Mojave Desert. It was well over one hundred degrees and Calvin was already starting to sweat. Despite the weather, Calvin was happy to be out of the car. He had to drive from Helena, Montana to the Northern edge of the Mojave Desert. Calvin wasn’t sure where he should stop to get out of his car, but he figured when he was in an arid area with a large area of sandy land before him, he was in the right place. Calvin stated walking forward in a South Westish heading. He wasn’t very sure what he would find in the desert but he did know he would find some answers. Calvin had spent the last week trying to find out who Gary Blatzer was. Calvin had talked to the wisest person he knew about whom Gary Blatzer was. That person’s name was K.D. and that person was more of a dog. K.D. (not Kevin Durant) invented the actual “word” on the streets. K.D. had told Calvin (through an interpreter) that he didn’t know anything about Gary Blatzer, but he did know of two people who had an unknown, new employer. K.D. directed Calvin towards the Mojave Desert. After Calvin’s brief flashback, he continued on his way further into the Mojave Desert. Calvin thought that his best chance at finding anything in the desert would be to look for something that was out of place. After a few hours in the desert, Calvin was growing impatient. Calvin was starting to think that he might have prepared too early for this mission and the people he was searching for weren’t established within the Mojave yet. Calvin was about to head back where he came from, when he noticed something in the distance that looked out of place, like two hand models bare knuckle boxing. Calvin approached a strange mound in a valley between two sand dunes. Calvin opened a hatch and proceeded inside like he was sneaking into a bar to pee. Calvin soon realized that he had found a ventilation hatch to what seemed like a poorly hidden base. Calvin knew that whomever was in charge of this base would overestimate how hidden it was and have a poor security system operating. Calvin could take his time and probably get through the base without anyone noticing, but that’s fucking boring so Calvin decided against it. Calvin came across two guards who were watching The Wizard of Oz and arguing over what the movie was subliminally saying. Calvin approached the two guards stealthily and said “The subliminal message of the movie is that anything is possible when you are in the company of close friends.” After Calvin had blown the two guards’ minds mentally, Calvin literally blew the two guards’ minds with his two shotguns. Calvin continued on further into the Mojave Desert base, until he heard a faint sound of singing. When Calvin got closer to the singing he noticed that it was a group of people singing Happy Birthday. Calvin moved towards a conveniently placed window (not so convent for the people within the room) and saw whom everyone was singing for, Myles Oatley and The Great Depression. Calvin knew those two men very well. Myles Oatley and the Great Depression were twins, but the only thing they had in common was their birthdate. Calvin had fought these two men countless times but never was able to completely eliminate them. Calvin had also heard that they had been killed, but Calvin never believed it. Calvin had also tried to track them down but was unable to find them. The fact that they were alive and Calvin had no idea they were in this Mojave Desert base, led Calvin to believe that Gary Blatzer was behind this base.  Since he didn’t expect to find the twins here, Calvin was unprepared. All he could remember was that Myles Oatley was more Chillin on a Dirt Road and the Great Depression was more like being “that” guy (douchey). Calvin refocused on what was happening through the window. Calvin could tell that it was happy hour in the underground Mojave Desert Base Bar, because all of the goons that Myles and the Great Depression were noticeably drunk. Calvin deduced that drinks were free or there was a very friendly bartender at the Underground Mojave Desert base Bar. Calvin decided that playing now would be inconvenient, so Calvin proceeded to play, a lot. Calvin knew that this would be too easy if Calvin was the only sober one and everyone within the base didn’t know he was there. Since Calvin’s play session didn’t draw any attention to himself, he decided to walk around the Mojave Desert Base like it was a bike land and Calvin was a pedestrian. What Calvin means by this analogy is that Calvin would walk around casually and wait for someone to come along and notice him (like when someone walks in a CLEARLY marked bike lane but doesn’t get out of the fucking way when a bicyclist makes their presence known to the pedestrian and there’s a fucking sidewalk right next to them.) Eventually Calvin ran into an extremely intoxicated goon that had obviously attended the birthday celebration, briefly mentioned earlier in the story. Calvin knew that this was a golden opportunity to interrogate and get some information so he wasn’t completely clueless while within the Mojave Desert Base. Calvin was surprised at how fast the goon squealed. Calvin made sure he got every ounce of info from the goon before putting him down like a diseased cat. From the goon Calvin learned that Myles Oatley and The Great Depression hadn’t changed very much at all. Apparently Myles Oatley had just finished an aquarium within the base. Calvin was impressed but he also knew that having an aquarium, in a secret base, within the Mojave Desert was a complete waste of money. The Great Depression was going around bragging about how good at nothing he was. The only bit of info that Calvin got that confused him was that it seemed like this particular goon was off duty but he had what looked like a remote for communication. Calvin had noticed the same thing on the two guards earlier but decided that it was nothing but a stupid requirement that Myles Oatley and/or the Great Depression instituted, because who the fuck uses remotes for communication? After Calvin voiced his frustration with the author, he continued on deeper into the base whilst formulating a plan to deal with Myles Oatley and the Great Depression. Calvin made his way to where he figured was the housing/barracks area of the Mojave Desert Base. Conveniently there were names of the goons and Myles and the Great Depression listed on the outside of their doors. Calvin made his way down the hall to Myles’ room. Calvin ran into no opposition mainly because everyone was either dead or shithouse drunk from the birthday celebration. Calvin passed the doors for goons 1-47 until he arrived at Myles’ door. Calvin found odd that Myles’ door wasn’t locked. Calvin proceeded into the room stealthily, but he found that Myles was in the shower. Calvin decided to wait for Myles to get out of the shower for two reasons 1. Calvin didn’t want to kill a man that was naked (and possibly masturbating) and 2. Myles was a fast showerer so he would probably be out soon anyway. Calvin waited for a little while but didn’t think that Myles would take this long in the shower. Calvin then heard a strange noise coming from the closet. Calvin moved cautiously towards the closet door. Before Calvin could open the door to the closet, Myles kicked them open and fired his two flint lock pistols wildly. Myles’ shots missed badly and Myles had to resort to tackling Calvin to the ground. Myles and Calvin struggled to gain a dominant position on the other person. Eventually both men broke off and got to their feet. Calvin figured that them both being on their feet was the only way one of them would end the fight. After a brief scuffle, Calvin was able to pin Myles’ arm behind his back. Calvin tried to interrogate Myles but it was going nowhere. Calvin was about to dispose of Myles when he realized the same remote that was on the other guards. Calvin asked Myles about the remote but all Myles did was laugh. After Calvin got rid of Myles he walked into the hallway. Calvin was immediately surrounded by the same goons and the Great Depression. At that instant Calvin realized that the remotes had something to with Calvin’s current situation. A huge fight ensued that was like the fight scene in the Matrix Reloaded (where Neo fights all of the Agent Smiths) than the ending of the movie The One. Calvin dispatched all of the goons so that it was only The Great Depression and Calvin. Calvin used the break in the fighting to ask The Great Depression how they knew Calvin was there. The Great Depression told Calvin that their employer Gary Blatzer had anticipated Calvin breaking into the base so he made everyone carry the remotes around. The Great Depression explained how the remotes were all interconnected so when one person went down, everyone else with a remote would know. Calvin realized that was why the base had such little security and why Myles knew to hide in the closet. Calvin asked The Great Depression one last question “Why are you working for Gary Blatzer?” The Great Depression’s only response was to rip his jacket off to reveal a shirt made in the shape of the Soviet Union’s flag. This sight sent a fury through Calvin. Calvin prides himself as being aggressively patriotic so he charged the Great Depression. Calvin noticed that since The Great Depression was very good at nothing, his fighting skills were sub-par. Calvin tore and old AC unit from the adjacent wall and crushed the Great Depression beneath it. This was the second time Gary Blatzer had caught Calvin off guard. Calvin would pool his last resource and attempt to find out where Gary Blatzer was and take the fight to him.

 

-The original opening scene for the movie Finding Nemo

 

 

Chapter 454: Hold The Phone And The Mayo

 

  • Matt aka Back Mattenstoss (Calvin’s last resort/resource)
  • Too Many Phone Calls
  • Thinking You’re More Important Than You Are
  • Paying by the honor system in Canada
  • Crumpling $1 bills
  • Break up songs
  • Corn looks the same when you poop it out
  • Head scratching moments
  • Deepthroating like a champ
  • Guinness World Records that no one cares about
  • Saving someone from drowning
  • Using Twitter at an inopportune time
  • Fencing (using fences)
  • Dandruff
  • Intensity
  • Being Unreliable
  • Skyrim
  • The Color Wheel
  • Crafty
  • AHHHH!!! (I WILL LIVE FOREVER)
  • Jumping the gun
  • Using Life Alert for the wrong reason
  • Rubbing someone’s back awkwardly
  • Being a shitty author
  • Ending a sentence abruptly
  • Manifest Destiny

 

Calvin had traveled a long way and was not looking forward to reaching his destination. Calvin had lost most of his resources and friends so Calvin was turning to the last resource and friend he had: Back Mattenstoss. Calvin wasn’t upset that he had to rely on Back; he was upset because he had to go to the only thing on Earth that he hated more than cats, Canada. Along with Calvin’s hatred for cats, his hatred for Canada had no base and he couldn’t pinpoint any real tangible reason why he hated Canada so much. Another thing that was bothering Calvin was that he was having trouble getting in touch with Back. Essentially Calvin would have to actually look around different parts of Canada to find Back. Calvin wasn’t sure why Back was being so secretive, but he also knew that Back was notorious for thinking himself more important than he really was. Calvin decided that his best course of action would be to go somewhere and collect his ideas on where to look for Back Mattenstoss. Calvin went to the nearest coffee shop to brainstorm ideas, kinda like the shitty author that writes all of these pointless stories. Calvin attempted to write down multiple ideas but realized that it was more difficult than he imagined. He thought about feeling some remorse for his thoughts earlier about the author, but then he realized finking Back was far more important. As Calvin proceeded to leave the coffee establishment, he left a couple of crumpled, American $1 dollar bills on the table he was sitting at. Calvin would stimulate Canada’s economy but only with American money, plus everyone in Canada pays by the honor system anyway. When Calvin exited the coffee shop he realized that some careless person had left their rifle on the ground next to their car. Since Calvin’s car was on the other side of the parking lot, he jumped the gun and walked to his car. Once in his car Calvin remembered that Back Mattenstoss had Life Alert, not because he lived alone and needed assistance to get up, but because he often passes out in bars and it’s easier to press the Life Alert to get the police than it is to try and wake Back up. Calvin calibrated his GPS to pick up all Life Alert signals within a 100 mile radius. Calvin picked up a few signals and headed towards the one he thought would be Back. After about an hour of driving Calvin arrived at a bar called the Color Wheel. Calvin found the name of the bar ironic because the town that it was located in was 100% White. Calvin entered the bar and was bombarded by a wave of drunken, Canadian accented, bar, small talk. Calvin noticed in one section of the bar that a few men were trying to obtain the Guinness World Record for most sentences ended abruptly in succession. Calvin thought that it was stupid, but. Calvin saw Back in the. Calvin approached Back, whom was obviously intoxicated, and said. Back, in a drunken stupor, yelled back at Calvin, shouting. Calvin. (Guinness World Record). After Back and Calvin exchanged their abrupt greetings. Calvin started to tell Back about Gary Blatzer. Back listened intently and was puzzled at how much trouble Calvin was having with him. Back scratched his head before speaking (not because he was puzzled but because he has horrible dandruff). Back informed Calvin that he might know where Gary Blatzer’s hideout is. Calvin took this statement with a grain of salt mainly because Back exaggerates everything to make he look good. Back explained how he knew some agents of Gary Blatzer’s were in the area. Back explained how he tracked them (saw them at the bar), followed them back to their apartment (drunkenly stumbled behind them), and infiltrated their apartment covertly (Back kicked in the door screaming “I WILL LIVE FOREVER!”). After describing how much intel he gathered from their apartment (absolutely nothing), Back told Calvin that he had been getting a lot of phone calls, almost too many. Back also described how he had started a fight (he got jumped) with Gary’s henchmen. Back explained how he killed (injured) one of the henchmen with his bare hands (brass knuckles). Back then said the remaining 20 (4) henchmen took him down, barely (kicked his ass, easily). The last thing Back said he remembered was mentioning something about the Galapagos Islands and Gary Blatzer. Even though Back’s stories were routinely unreliable in their factual content, Calvin knew the last part was true. Calvin was about to ask Back another question when Calvin’s least favorite break up song came over the speakers in the bar. Calvin couldn’t think while the song was on and he started to get extremely frustrated. Calvin then heard someone scream at the other end of the bar. Calvin realized that someone had fallen into the lake that was next to the bar. Calvin jumped off the balcony of the bar, into the lake, to save the Canadian that obviously couldn’t swim. After Calvin finished his good deed for the day, he dragged the Canadian, whom couldn’t swim, back to the Color Wheel. Calvin told one of the employees to call 911, or whatever the Canadian equivalent was, to get the almost drowned Canadian some help. Calvin then passed a man whom was basically deepthroating corn on the cob, but he was doing it like a champ. Calvin wondered if that would come out like he was eating it when he pooped it out. Calvin refocused and moved back to where he and Back were sitting. Before Calvin made it back to the table, he saw from across the room, one of Gary’s henchmen was rubbing Calvin’s Back very awkwardly. Calvin quickly checked hit Twitter. Calvin approached the table with Gary’s henchmen and Back with a calm intensity. Calvin realized that Gary’s henchmen hadn’t killed Back the night Back kicked down their door because Back would lead them to Calvin. Calvin also noticed that the Canadian he had rescued earlier was one of the henchmen. Calvin had been set up again. Gary Blatzer had shown his craftiness once again. The break up song Calvin couldn’t stand coupled with the Canadian/Gary Blatzer henchmen almost drowning had drawn Calvin off guard. Calvin knew Back was in danger so he attempted to reason with the henchmen, but he was unable to convince them to release him. Calvin realized he would have to do something dramatic to save Back. Calvin looked at Back and said “Just like Phoenix right?” Back dropped to the ground and covered his ears. Calvin then reared back and yelled with a Skyrim-like dragon shout power. All the henchmen either were thrown against the walls or deafened with excruciating eardrum pain. Back stood up and Calvin ran at the henchmen. Both Back and Calvin attacked the henchmen in their respective manner. Calvin took on most of the attackers (19) while Back took on a smaller group (1). Calvin was dispatching his henchmen easily but Back was struggling with his group (1 henchman). Calvin watched as a henchman threw and broke Back’s finger with a bottle of Jack (Ke$ha voice). Once Back was approached and attacked by more than one henchman his defense crumbled. Back was easily defeated by the two henchmen especially with his broken finger. The two henchmen knocked out Back and moved to join the fight against Calvin. Calvin saw the sudden increase in men and moved towards the bar’s balcony. Calvin removed a pole from the fence barring people from falling into the lake. Calvin fenced the remaining henchmen to death until it was only Calvin and the Canadian he had saved from drowning earlier. Calvin dropped the fence pole, grabbed the henchman, and pulled him over the fence into the lake. Calvin interrogated the henchman whilst in the lake. Calvin learned that Back had, in fact, heard them correctly in that Gary’s base was on the Galapagos Islands. Calvin proceeded to undo his good deed and drown the henchman who was incapable of swimming. Calvin made his way back to Back. Calvin was horrified to see Back awake, but what really scared Calvin was the black scar on Back’s recently broken finger. Calvin knew that Back had been poisoned and would die of a deadly bone marrow poison. Calvin comforted Back until he slowly faded away and passed on. Now friendless and out of resources, Calvin was going to fulfill his manifest destiny and beat the living fuck out of Gary Blatzer.

 

-Prologue to Scruff McGruff’s Crime Handbook.


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