The Coolidge Chronicles Part 3

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Horror  |  House: Booksie Classic
The final and longest chapter in the collection of short stories for the Coolidge Chronicles

Submitted: August 29, 2012

A A A | A A A

Submitted: August 29, 2012



Chapter 1: Gary Blatzer Must Die


  • Random Flashbacks
  • Low Isaac Hayes-like sexy voice
  • Cat Weapons
  • Dangerously Sexy
  • Being Dumb (ANDY)
  • Sweating right now bro
  • Wearing sunglasses when it’s overcast
  • Parking within the lines (or not)
  • Being a bad parent
  • Dodging questions
  • Being a regular
  • Trying to be a hero
  • Asking clown questions
  • Punching bags
  • Owning your own restaurant
  • Bringing the pain
  • Dual wielding
  • Bright colors
  • Blasphemy
  • Pressing keyboard keys with authority
  • Awkwardly bringing religion into the discussion
  • Flexing in front of the mirror in public
  • Blue jay attacks
  • Going all in
  • Fondle someone until they love me
  • Making fun of oneself
  • Singing along
  • Nutritional facts
  • Being self-sufficient
  • Not feeling the pressure
  • Changing the subject
  • Showing up drunk
  • Slow motion cameras
  • Start with “it was dark outside” and never mention it again
  • Difficulties of growing quality facial hair
  • Chit chat
  • Leaving yourself exposed
  • Saving the best for first
  • Being awkwardly friendly
  • Getting weird (good kind)
  • Getting weird (bad kind)
  • Shaking things up
  • Knowing your potential and actively not reaching it
  • Waiting for the wrong moment
  • Clarity
  • Bad tattoos
  • Not being able to convert to metric from standard
  • Rape whistles
  • Fixing your wedgie
  • Picking your nose
  • Capitalism
  • Leaving Early
  • The art of making lines in the road
  • Sexting yourself without knowing it


It was dark outside. Calvin had chartered a boat from Venezuela to take him to the Galapagos Islands and ultimately Gary Blatzer. Even though their boat was en route on the water and it was raining, Calvin kept his sun glasses on, because he doesn’t give a shit. Calvin didn’t know what to expect when he would arrive at the islands. Gary had been the only person whom had been able to take advantage of Calvin when he left himself exposed. Calvin had taken for granted that most people were unable to gain any kind of advantage on Calvin when he let his guard down. Calvin had gone through rigorous training so that even when all of the metaphorical cards were against him he was able to prevail. Calvin’s thoughts were interrupted when the boat captain said that they were 10 kilometers out from where they were going to land. Calvin would have counted this as useful information if he knew how to convert metric “measurements” to standard ones. Calvin put down his drink as well. Since he had no real idea how far away 10 kilometers was, he stayed on the side of caution and less on the side of showing up drunk. Calvin didn’t need to give Gary Blatzer any more advantages over Calvin than he already had. Calvin decided it would be a good idea to go down below deck and gather his things together. Calvin wanted to make sure that everything that he could control would stay within the realm of his control. Calvin knew with no one with him on this adventure/quest for vengeance, all of Gary Blatzer’s attention and guns would be solely on Calvin. Calvin heard three crooked knocks on the door to his cabin. Calvin opened the door and they were almost at their destination. Calvin strapped on his brightly colored combat gear (let’s face it, there’s no point in hiding, Gary knows Calvin is coming). Calvin got to the deck just as the captain was lining up the ship for Calvin to disembark. Calvin watched as the captain gracefully aligned his ship with the coast. The only way Calvin could describe it is as lines that dictated the parking spot. Calvin disembarked alone. The boat captain had only agreed to bring Calvin to the coast, and even that had cost Calvin a large sum of money. Calvin was very self-sufficient but even that didn’t get rid of the loneliness he felt. Calvin knew regardless of whether or not he made it off the islands he would still be friendless. Calvin cheered himself up by thinking of positive, random flashbacks of his close friends. Calvin looked back to see the boat leave and to make sure it wasn’t another of Gary Blatzer’s traps. Once the boat was out of visual range Calvin started his journey into the forests/jungles of the Galapagos. As Calvin made his way through the various forms of shrubbery and any other assorted plant life, he realized that this was a perfect place to have a base. Calvin thought this because the area around the base was virtually unexplored and uninhabited. Governments couldn’t build anything there for fear of hurting the unique wild life. Anyone unlike Calvin would also be spotted very quickly by Gary Blatzer as well. Most men would take the safe route and go around to where they thought was a weak point in the base. Calvin knew that Gary had thought of this and had rigged all the “safe” routes with traps. Calvin had passed a few already. Calvin saw a trap that looked like it swung two punching bags toward one another, essentially crushing the unsuspecting person betwixt them. Calvin had noticed the unique plant and animal life on the Islands. Calvin had prepared in advance enough beef jerky and sangria to feed and hydrate him through this story. Calvin had prepared this food and drink because he didn’t know the nutritional facts of any of the wildlife on the Islands. Calvin had heard of different countries trying to infiltrate this base but none of their governments would admit there was anything of interest on the Islands let alone they sent anyone there. Calvin could see the paths that the multinational Special Forces’ members had tried to take. By taking the “safe” route the special forces operatives had set themselves up to wait for the wrong moment (dying) as opposed to the right moment (eliminating Gary Blatzer and his evil regime). Calvin had, so far, gone in a straight path towards Gary Blatzer’s base. Calvin knew the only way to get inside the base was to go the way Gary Blatzer wanted Calvin to go. Calvin would have to stick to his game plan and try to be a hero as opposed to not be one. Even though Calvin’s path was relatively easy so far, the heat was making him sweat right now bro. Calvin had been moving towards Gary’s base for the better part of the day so he decided to make camp. Calvin slept for a few hours, just enough to recover from the travel he had taken since getting off of the boat. Calvin took a swig of his sangria canteen and stated off for a second time. Calvin was determined to get to Gary Blatzer’s base soon. With each step Calvin was more determined and focused. Calvin’s steps became rhythmic and akin to pressing keyboard keys with authority. Calvin began singing along with the music that the author had playing whilst he/she was writing this story. Calvin was thinking how fortunate he was because he was able to grow quality facial hair. One reason was he didn’t have to put as much sunscreen on his face, 2. It kept the mosquitos from bothering him and 3. It looked badass. For most of Calvin’s trek through the jungle he was able to see Gary’s base, but Calvin noticed it was getting really close, maybe a couple miles or a few thousand milliliters (I think). Calvin gained a new sense of inspiration at the detail he just noticed and as a result quickened his pace. Calvin started to notice a copious amount of cameras located in the jungle. Calvin could tell that these were slow motion cameras, used for identification purposes not for immediate surveillance data. Calvin knew that Gary knew Calvin was coming, so Calvin didn’t attempt to evade any of the camera’s sight range. Calvin knew he was making good time marching through the jungle. Calvin also knew that this pace was steady but wouldn’t tire him out to the point where he couldn’t save his best for first enemy engagement. Calvin anticipated many enemy engagements forthcoming in this story. Calvin eventually made it to what looked like the front entrance to the base. Calvin was surprised to see that no one was outside guarding the base. All of a sudden Calvin heard an alarm that sounded like a choir of rape whistles being blown simultaneously. After the initial shock of hearing the alarm wore off, Calvin saw a slew of Gary’s cronies emitting from the orifices of Gary’s Galapagos Island Base. Calvin knew that Gary would want him alive so the guards posted on the overlooking catwalks wouldn’t have the authority to shoot at Calvin. That made it so that the only people with the authority to engage Calvin would be the cronies in front of Calvin. Calvin decided against using his firearms in this engagement mainly because he knew some of the cronies might be a little jumpy and disobey their orders unintentionally and shoot at Calvin. Calvin sized up how many opponents he would have, fixed his wedgie, and charged the cronies in front of him. Calvin ensued in bringing the pain down upon any of Gary’s cronies that were dumb enough to get in the way of Calvin’s fists and feet. Eventually Calvin noticed that the guards posted on the catwalks were dropping their guns and running back into the base. Calvin thought that strange but veered his focus back onto the guards he was fighting on the ground. The only real threat any of the cronies posed was that they all had wooden batons, resembling something a police officer would use in the 70’s or 80’s. Calvin was also puzzled by this as well. Gary had proven that he had the resources to equip his men with the most advanced equipment. Calvin pondered this as he dual wielded two of the cronies clubs. Whilst Calvin was savagely beating the shit out of the men on the ground, he saw that the cronies on the catwalks had come back outside with some type of hose. Calvin watched as both groups of men on either side of the catwalk sprayed at Calvin. At first Calvin was confused as to why he was being sprayed. He thought it might be because the cronies were using high powered hoses and they were attempting to knock Calvin down. The cronies were too far away so by the time the stream of water hit him he wasn’t feeling the pressure. As Calvin continued to fight the cronies on the ground he noticed that what was once grass under his feet and the cronies’ feet was rubbing away with the combination of their foot friction and water. Calvin saw what was beneath the faux grass, a metal floor. Calvin didn’t know what was so special about the floor. Suddenly Calvin noticed all the cronies he was fighting broke off and started running towards the main door of the base. All of the men on the ground stated pounding on the door and pleading with the men on the catwalk to open the doors to let them back into the base. Calvin then saw two men walking, one on each of the ends of the catwalk, towards the base. The two men approached a large switch at the end of their respective ends of the catwalk. The men looked at one another, nodded, and flipped their switches. Calvin felt a tingle on the underside of his feet, like someone was going to fondle Calvin until he loved them. Calvin looked down and to his horror saw that the metal floor was electrified. Calvin heard the men at the door scream in pain. Calvin calmly closed his eyes and embraced what he thought would be his last few seconds of his life.


Part 2:

Calvin opened his eyes, not knowing if he was alive or dead. Calvin was used to being a regular in the death dealing department not so used to the death receiving department. Calvin looked around for any clues of his ultimate demise or his brush with death. Calvin noticed that he was tied to a metal chair. Both Calvin’s hands and feet were bound to the chair. Calvin decided that he was either in a very erotic dream or that he was alive and had been captured by Gary Blatzer.  It wasn’t a sex dream. Calvin saw a man on one side of the room/area, which Calvin was in, flexing in front of a mirror. The man noticed that Calvin had woken up from his electric shock induced blackout. The man walked up to Calvin and said in a low Isaac Hayes-like voice “I’m Gary Blatzer.” Calvin wasn’t sure if the man was Gary Blatzer but since Calvin was tied to a fucking chair, he wasn’t in any position to ask questions. Gary on the other hand, was in a very good position to ask questions, which he proceeded to do. Gary started their little chit chat with blatantly clown questions. Calvin responded with blatantly clown answers. Calvin was surprised that the one man responsible for his friend’s deaths and Calvin’s current situation was being so awkwardly friendly. Gary’s questions, Calvin soon realized, were not focused on the answers that Calvin gave but more to distract Calvin and disorient him. Gary’s questions were being used as weapons and Calvin was having trouble dodging them. Calvin was getting frustrated with Gary’s continued questioning. Not only were the questions pointless, but Gary was throwing pizza in Calvin’s face when he didn’t answer fast enough for Gary’s liking. After Gary asked Calvin about how the construction crews make perfectly straight lines in the roads with paint, Calvin knew he had to try and leave. After what seemed like several hours of useless interrogation, Calvin decided to break his bonds and change the subject of their conversation. As Calvin stood and stretched his limbs, Gary started laughing. Calvin would have stood still and be confused but he decided beating the fuck out of Gary Blatzer was a better idea. Calvin lumbered towards Gary but before Calvin could reach Gary, Gary fell through a trap door. Calvin stood in the room angered that his nemesis got away. Calvin then turned his attention to the lighting. When Gary wa in the room there was only one light on. Once Gary left, overhead lights come on and revealed that Calvin was actually in a very large room. Calvin surmised it was an abandoned ware house. Calvin looked around to try and figure out what he should do next. Calvin didn’t know what to expect whilst he was within Gary’s base. Gary had shown that he was productively unpredictable in his plans. Calvin knew he wouldn’t be able to predict Gary’s next move so he prepared himself for anything. Calvin walked past a vent within the AC pipes that looked perfect for a possible surprise blue jay attack. Calvin wasn’t attacked by blue jays. Calvin decided that standing around; waiting for something to happen was the wrong way to go about his current situation. Calvin knew that whatever weird (bad kind) or weird (good kind) things to happened, he would just have to deal with them as they came. Calvin went about his thoughts with a bad parent vibe. He was going to neglect the shit out of any negative thoughts he might have the duration of his revenge quest. Calvin prattled along without a care in his world other than ending Gary Blatzer’s. Calvin moved towards what looked like the main entrance to the warehouse. Calvin attempted to pry open the main doors but he could tell that they had been chained on the other side. Calvin saw a smaller door to the right of the ones he just tried to open. This door was more of a traditional door that only required the strength of one person to open rather than the large airport warehouse like doors Calvin previously had tried to open with his bare hands. Calvin noticed that this door was blocked from the other side as well. Calvin kicked the door 4 ½ times and the door opened on the third kick. Calvin proceeded through the door he just opened, made fun of himself for trying to open the insanely large doors, and walked a couple steps before stopping to examine the gruesome scene in front of him. Calvin saw all the men whom had been attacking him earlier, before Calvin was shocked into a alcohol-like induced blackout. Calvin realized that Gary was running out of ideas to deceive Calvin. Calvin based this on Gary’s capitalistic attitude towards the lives of his men in his most recent deception. Calvin surmised that Gary had killed more than half his manpower when he electrified the water Calvin and most of his men were in. Calvin composed himself and decided to try and find a way around Gary’s base. Calvin saw a gap betwixt the shrubbery on the side of Gary’s base. The gap didn’t look natural. Calvin surmised that it was a popular way to get around the base by all the foot traffic that marked the ground. Calvin passed through the gap to find a foot trail that led to the other side of the base. The only problem with the trail was that it wasn’t very wide and on the side opposite of the base there was a deep gorge. Calvin saw that multiple persons had fallen down into the gorge to their ultimate demise. Calvin felt as if he was almost being dared to take the path. Calvin knew that there wasn’t any other way so he began his trek across the narrow foot path. Calvin tried to make the author change the subject because Calvin didn’t want you to think that he was a pussy for being afraid of heights. Calvin failed. Calvin distracted himself by thinking of what it would be like to won his own restaurant. Calvin figured his restaurant would be more like Hell’s Kitchen and less like Barefoot Contesa. Calvin eventually got across the foot path to the other side of Gary’s base. When Calvin saw the shrubbery on the opposite side of the foot trail he realized the gap was far less pronounced. Calvin knew that it meant that Calvin was one of a few people to make it this far into Gary’s domain. Calvin breached the shrubbery and stood in amazement at what he was. Gary had hollowed out the inside of a mountain and built a supplementary base within. Calvin hadn’t noticed when he first got to the Islands because Gary had kept the outward facing side of the mountain intact. The other side of the mountain was shielded from view by Gary’s warehouse base. Calvin decided to shake things up and try and sneak around this base, mainly because he didn’t want to get electrified again. Calvin saw a large group of Gary’s guards heading towards an elevator. As the guards were going all in, Calvin snuck through an alternate entrance into the mountain. Calvin realized he had gone through a maintenance entrance. Calvin saw a guard next to a control panel. Calvin quietly walked up to the guard, whilst he was picking his nose, and disposed of him. Calvin realized that the specific control panel in front of him controlled the elevators within the mountain base. Calvin figured out which elevator the group of guards he had just seen got on. Calvin released the cable of the rising elevator. Calvin decided it was best that these guards left early from Calvin’s revenge crusade. After the elevator had fallen twenty stories to the ground, Calvin knew the element of surprise was gone from his arsenal. Calvin knew that Gary would feel on edge now almost as if he was sexting himself and didn’t know it until the elevator crashed into the ground. After Calvin finished making another non-sensical analogy, he moved towards where he thought Gary was. Whilst Calvin was in the elevator control room he had seen a blueprint for the mountain base. Calvin saw there was a large room in the center of the base named “The Church”. As Calvin proceeded towards the room he was hoping that he and Gary would just fight and not awkwardly bring religion into the discussion because Calvin planned on getting very blasphemous with his attacks. Calvin reached the door to “The Church”, gathered himself, and proceeded in. Calvin saw Gary Blatzer on a raised platform checking out his hideous tattoos. The tattoos in themselves weren’t bad, the fact that Calvin could tell Gary had put on and lost a lot of weight since getting them was. Gary noticed Calvin walk in. Gary started to ask Calvin more useless questions, but this time Calvin successfully dodged them. Calvin saw Gary reach behind his back and draw a weapon. Calvin knew the time for questions was now over. Gary shot his weapon at Calvin. The projectile that shot out of the weapon wasn’t a bullet though. Calvin looked at the impact of the shot after he had dodged it. Calvin saw a cat crawl out of the crater of the shot. Calvin knew then that Gary had found a way to weaponize cats. Calvin knew this battle would be rough from that point on. Gary shot his kittycannon at Calvin a couple more times, but Calvin dodged the projectile cats. Calvin found a stache of automatic rifles after dodging another cat. Calvin grabbed one and returned fire at Gary.  Calvin noticed that Gary had a bullet proof suit on so Calvin’s shots were ineffective. Calvin noticed as the battle within the mountain base raged on, it started to rain heavily almost as if the author was intentionally making it more dramatic. Calvin figured if he was able to get Gary down from his platform he would be able to take Gary down, permanently. Calvin also noticed that the cats that were shot out of the kittycannon were feral and started to chase after Calvin. Calvin focused on getting rid of the vile creatures before he attempted to deal with Gary. If there was one thing Calvin was the best at it was hating cats. Calvin began his all-out assault on the army of fucking cats that was growing with each shot from the kittycannon. Calvin started dispatching the cats in an almost dangerously sexy fashion. As Calvin started killing the worse animal on Earth, he heard Gary screaming. Calvin finally got some clarity as to why Gary had haunted Calvin for the past few stories. Gary really loved cats and Calvin fucking hated them. Calvin knew that Gary had the potential to kill Calvin, but his concern for cats he shot at Calvin, Gary was more concerned in saving the cats then reaching his potential. Calvin decided to use this to his advantage. Calvin started actively killing the cats attacking him. Calvin calculated and planned his cat killings to entice Gary to come down and defend them. After Calvin killed his seventeenth cat he saw Gary move to save his cats. As Gary was distracted Calvin ceased his cat killing and moved towards the platform Gary was on. Calvin jumped up and grabbed the hydraulic arm that held the platform up. Calvin jerked the arm with all his weight. The platform moved suddenly and with the combination of the indoor rain, Gary slipped and fell from the platform. Gary crashed into the pile of dead cats that Calvin had made. Calvin made the last few cats a non-issue and walked over to where Gary laid. Calvin could tell he had been paralyzed from the fall. Calvin approached Gary and asked “Why?” Gary opened his mouth to answer and of a sudden Calvin woke up…


-Note from one of the authors:

This group of short stories is in no way true. If anything within this writing happens to be true it is merely by coincidence. I myself am in no way trying to offend anyone. My purpose with these writings is to make people laugh. I hope you enjoyed reading this. Please leave me comments either good or bad. Any criticism can only help me get better. Yes I realize this isn’t very good quality writing but I don’t really give a shit.


I would like to thank my friends and family for their inspiration for this writing. I would like to especially thank Garrett, Conor, and Andy for helping me write portions of this as well.


If you couldn’t tell I really do hate cats.

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