The Coolidge Chronicles Reanimation Part 1

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

A short beginning to the second phase of the coolidge chronicles.

Chapter 1: The Man Behind the Mirrors

  • Snapchat
  • Here we go again, again
  • Being pirate-like
  • Having a child
  • Being childish
  • Luke-warm coffee
  • Using time constructively by wasting it
  • Putting yourself in a position to succeed in something other than what you’re trying to succeed in. 
  • Acting like an animal
  • Two trick pony
  • Circus Animals
  • Being selfishly optimistic
  • The THUNDER Gods
  • Hammering lighting bolts
  • Selfie Sunday
  • Sweatshirts
  • The slight difference between “brah” and “bruh”
  • Overaggressively using an Xbox controller
  • Thinking you’re the shit
  • More THUNDER
  • Describing yourself using Pokemon terminology
  • Waking up in a new Bugatti (or not)
  • Shopping cart wheels that are only slightly broken
  • Fishing for compliments
  • Being seductively unappealing
  • People watching isn’t creepy as long as you judge everyone you’re creepily watching
  • Gaining attention
  • Using your eyes to intimidate
  • Slo-Mo
  • Wearing things incorrectly
  • Being naked from the face up
  • Creating your own feelings
  • Combining natural disasters
  • Annoying car headlights
  • Really lame puns
  • Being under pressure
  • Keeping something organized that is obviously meant to not have any purpose
  • French bench press
  • Being afraid of shadows
  • Mascots that don’t make any sense
  • Keeping someone waiting while they obviously are trying to get something else done
  • Talking smack about people who are physically close to you
  • The feeling you get when you see a yellow light and have to decide to go or stop
  • Aggressive driving
  • Having the perfect amount of confidence
  • Scarfs on men
  • Not committing to a song/playlist
  • Mike Dessert - Ristretto St. Rosencake

Calvin hadn’t been many places before, but for some reason his surroundings seemed familiar. It was late in the evening if not already past midnight and into the early hours of the morning. There was thick, dense fog surrounding Calvin which limited his visibility to only about two feet in front of him. Calvin could tell that it had just been raining, not because the author told you but because his life was happening before this chapter began. Calvin had woken up in this possibly familiar area in a new Bugatti but the battery in the car wasn’t working. Calvin then ventured into the nearby forrest and tried to make his way back to his house. In the present time, Calvin tried to familiarize himself with his surroundings by looking for landmarks. Calvin’s and the author’s thoughts were scattered and not making any sense. At that very moment, Calvin realized that his situation resembled one he had found himself in before. Calvin had woken up in a Bugatti only one other time before, when he and Ristretto St. Rosencake had both competed in a French bench press competition. Calvin and Ristretto had been driving back from the competition in Ristretto’s new Bugatti. Ristretto was notoriously aggressive whilst driving. 

On that day, Ristretto had been fishing for compliments from Calvin, Calvin didn’t give him any. It wasn’t that Calvin was a dick, it was that Ristretto already had a perfect amount of confidence in himself. One slight or compliment would disrupt that perfection. While they were in the car, Ristretto was blinded by some very annoying headlights and lost control of his Bugatti. The next thing Calvin remembered was waking up in Ristretto’s Bugatti. That’s when Calvin also realized that his current situation matched that one almost identically. Ristretto was gone when he had awoken the first time and Calvin had never found him. This time Calvin was determined to find him because he was most def behind this current sitch BR(U/A)H!!! 

Calvin’s only hope now was to channel the powers that the THUNDER Gods has bestowed upon him to illuminate the forrest. Calvin yelled THUNDER in more of a Zapados manner and less like a Pickachu one. A lightning bolt flashed down from the sky. The area around Calvin was instantly visible and the fog slowly dispatched from view. Calvin had also caught a shard from the lightning bolt and hammered it into a flashlight like apparatus. Calvin walked through the forrest with his new found source of light and melted away the darkness as he moved. 

Calvin moved cautiously through the forrest. He was still unsure if he remained under the influence of any drugs that Ristretto had put in his system. There was only one reason why Calvin ended up in this position and that reason was very cleverly delivered drugs, because Calvin ain’t no scrub. Luckily Calvin was making good progress through the forrest despite his lack of direction and clothing from the face up. Calvin continued in a direct that just felt right. 

Calvin’s biggest concern was running into any shadows because let’s face it, shadows are scary as shit. As Calvin came to landmarks he would Snapchat these to his informants to get a better sense of direction of where to go. Thankfully for Calvin, his sources were on their game and managed to give him prompt and correct direction. After about an hour, Calvin came across what looked like an abandoned bunker in the midst of the forrest.

Calvin proceeded into the bunker, animalistically. Once Calvin was within the bunker he paused so that his eyes adjusted to the fluorescent lights and grey, moldy walls. As he waited for his eyes to adjust, Calvin noticed a grey sweatshirt on the floor. Once Calvin’s eyes had adjusted to the lights in the bunker he sheathed his THUNDER flashlight. Calvin could see that the bunker was very large and contained numerous hallways that sprouted out in many directions. Also Calvin noticed that it was warm within the bunker. Weather (pun) it was the humidity or the fact that Calvin had trekked through a forrest for over an hour, it felt like it was the temperature of lukewarm coffee within the bunker. 

Calvin wasn’t sure, as he had initially thought, that the bunker was abandoned. The lights being on pointed to it not being abandoned. Conversely though, every step Calvin took echoed for an awkward amount of time. Calvin decided there was no point in waiting cautiously so he constructively wasted his time by continuing deeper into the bunker. Calvin couldn’t decide what direction to take amongst the many hallways in the bunker. To complicate things further, Calvin wasn’t getting any cell phone reception so Snapchat was out of the question. Calvin felt like he was approaching a yellow light and didn’t know if he should go or stop. Calvin hit the gas. 

Calvin was moving at a faster pace now. Calvin directed himself forward until he heard a strange sound. From what Calvin could hear it sounded like someone was singing in the shower but in a pirate-like voice. Clive knew at that moment that the bunker was, in fact, not abandoned. 

The voice that emanated throughout the bunker was seductively unappealing, like a drugged out John Mayor. Calvin moved in a direction that he thought the voice was coming from. Calvin knew that the many corridors and hallways within the bunker would make it difficult to pinpoint the voice’s location. Calvin started thinking that maybe the voice was a recording and that someone had left the device on or were intentionally trying to mislead Calvin.  

Calvin was already lost and confused within the bunker so that logic would be like trying to keep something organized that has no purpose. Calvin continued on towards the voice.

Calvin was starting to feel under pressure. He hadn’t had anything to eat or drink since he awoke in the Bugatti. Calvin started aggressively walking in almost a rage filled happiness or a the very least, a tears-laden excitement. Calvin then lost his patience. Calvin called on the THUNDER GODS once more for their help. 

A huge bolt of THUNDER (yes I a am aware it’s a bolt of THUNDER, not lightning) rang down right in front of Calvin. In the crater, Calvin saw an axe-like weapon made of pure THUNDER. Calvin pulled the THUNDER axe out of the ground. Calvin’s first thought was that the axe seemed surprisingly light. Calvin’s second thought was that he was going to bash some of these fucking walls down.

Calvin swung his mighty THUNDER axe and knocked the wall beside him down. Calvin noticed that the wall fell with almost no force needed. With this in mind, Calvin tried to gently destroy the walls in his path so he didn’t gain any unwanted attention. Then Calvin remembered that he had a THUNDER axe, so fuck that, BRING ON THE ATTENTION!!! 

As Calvin, in a childish glee, smashed down down every wall in his path, he noticed that the voice only seemed to become louder. This meant that the voice was a recording or this person was trying to be found. Calvin swung his axe with the strength of someone over aggressively using a video game controller. After the rubble of what was once a wall, Calvin saw a figure standing in what was once a room. It was fucking Ristretto St. Rosencake. 

As Calvin proceeded into the three-walled room, he could see Ristretto taking a selfie. It was Sunday so Calvin wasn’t offended. Calvin asked bluntly “Are you behind this situation Ristretto?” Ristretto calmly replied “You bet.” Calvin asked “Why?” In conjunction with an intimidating stare to get the truth out of Ristretto. Ristretto went on to explain that the path that Calvin had taken was almost exactly the one Ristretto had taken when they had when Ristretto’s Bugatti had broken down. There were slight differences like Ristretto was not on good terms with the THUNDER GODS so no THUNDER related activities took place. Another difference was that when Ristretto did find the voice within the bunker it was Gary Blatzer taking a selfie. Also on the way to meeting Gary Blatzer, there was a lot more cats and pizza throwing than Calvin had encountered. Calvin realized why he hadn’t seen Ristretto since that fateful day, Gary Blatzer’s influence was stronger than Calvin’s. 

Once Ristretto was don with his story, Calvin looked at him and said “You’re going to die here.” Ristretto responded by taking off his scarf and reaching toward the sky. A lightning forged spear came through the roof of the bunker. A strange sound was coming through the hole in the ceiling. Calvin looked up to see that the THUNDER GODS and the lightning gods  had started to argue over weather (pun) Calvin or Ristretto would win the upcoming duel. 

In the sky a LightUNDER storm started to form in reaction to the Gods’ debate. Calvin and Ristretto both saw this and found it annoying because they were waiting to duel and duel hard. As Calvin and Ristretto regained their focus and prepared themselves as the de facto mascots of lightning and THUNDER, Calvin could tell that Ristretto was not done with his surprises. 

Ristretto romped his incorrectly worn beret and out from the three walls that Calvin hadn’t destroyed, opened vents that were connected to the roof. From the vents poured out a circus’ worth of cats. Calvin fucking hated cats. Ristretto proved himself a two-trick pony and a dead man in the same moment. Calvin positioned himself to defend from the feline onslaught.

Calvin knew he would destroy the cat army, almost selfishly so, but his main goal of destroying Ristretto would be on temporary hold. Calvin gracefully swung his THUNDER axe through the cat horde. Calvin knew he was the shit and systematically cleaved through the feline reinforcements Ristretto had called in. Calvin could hear Ristretto and the lightning gods talk smack about him whilst destroying the violent pack of cats. Calvin dispatched the last of the felines as if they were just and annoying shopping car wheel. 

Calvin stood and regained his composure. Ristretto assumed a fighting stance knowing that killing Calvin was his only chance of survival. The THUNDER and lightning Gods watched creepily with anticipation. Calvin and Ristretto engaged one another with such speed and force that one would need a slo-mo camera to see every move. 

Ristretto’s spear gave him a superior reach advantage over Calvin. Ristretto kept Calvin at a distance avoiding any close combat. Calvin thought Ristretto was fighting as if he had something to lose or like he was delaying Calvin purposefully. Ristretto fought like a man whom had just recently had a child. Calvin noticed that during the fight, Ristretto kept looking behind himself at something. Calvin was sure Ristretto was out of tricks so he continued to try and get within Ristretto’s spear reach. Ristretto checked behind himself one last time. After Ristretto looked behind, he turned back to Calvin and dropped his spear. Calvin took that opportunity to chop Ristretto in half. 

Calvin stood over the body of his friend. The storm in the sky had ceased and THUNDER would reign supreme. Calvin stepped over the body of Ristretto to see what was distracting him from their battle. Calvin saw a small computer screen built into the floor. The screen was black aside from a few words in white. The words read: Gary Blatzer’s Reanimation Complete. Calvin’s first thought was “shit!” His second and more ironic thought was “Here we go again, again.”


Submitted: August 17, 2016

© Copyright 2021 Beanwhistle. All rights reserved.

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