In a World Filled With Love

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Gay and Lesbian  |  House: Booksie Classic
Radu has known nothing in the world but love. His boyfriend was always there for him when he need him the most and he was never without a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on. So why is it that he feels so unloved?

Submitted: December 12, 2011

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Submitted: December 12, 2011



"Te iubesc."

He had said this so many times to me. Looking me straight in the eyes, those nearly black eyes staring into my soul. I felt his sincerity in that look. He'd be ready to leave for work, confess this thing called "love" that doesn't even seem like a confession anymore. He'd rub my hair and wink or smile sweetly and caress my cheek. I knew he loved me. Deep down inside I could feel those nostalgic butterflies every time we made eye contact or he touched me in the slightest way. It was as if we were teenage crushes, but we weren't. We were lovers. Together. As one. The butterflies meant that I still loved him just as much when I was unsure, right?

We have so many words for love. Dragoste, iubesc, amor...and I've seen these in action and I know how they feel. Still in my mind there lingers this idea that I'm loveless.

In a world filled with love, all I can do is sit here and think about how unloved I am. Even when the very love I find foreign is staring me in the face.

Maybe I'm just paranoid. I always watched him as he walked to work. He'd always wave and smile at the teenage girls who lived next to us. I shouldn't have felt so jealous. That's silly. I know he liked guys. But for some reason any kindness done to others I felt was betrayal.

And I can't imagine why.

I should feel privileged. A plain guy like me getting with a nice guy like him. And I should be lucky that he's so open with his feelings, even in public. It was only in 1996 that what we're doing was considered legal. And it wasn't until 2006 that we were partially protected from homophobes. But, regardless of those protections, him kissing me and holding my hand in public is likely to cause unwanted attention.

It isn't shame. It's all about safety.

Just because the law says you shouldn't hurt us doesn't mean they won't.

I wish I could've shown him to the world without fear. It's like when you have a nice looking dog and you put them in shows...maybe that isn't a nice way to put it. But it's all I can think of.

He had wavy black hair that was thick and neatly parted to one side allowing strands of hair to occasionally brush my cheek when he leaned over to kiss me. And the kind of face that tells you that he's one of those nice attractive guys who doesn't quite know how hot he is.

I liked that...I liked him. But for some reason I felt something was off.

I sat in front of the window sharpening the blade of my pocket knife. I'm not sure why I carried one. For protection? To feel cool? I didn't know. Maybe I just liked it. Running it across the small sharpening stone, I occasionally looked out the window to see if he had arrived home yet.

I looked down at my blade and turned it in my hand so that the sun shown off of it with a brilliant majesty.

"True beauty," I whispered to myself. The sound of the door opening made me realize that I had missed him pulling into the driveway.

"Radu?" He walked in and placed his bag on the floor, "Are you home?" He almost seemed scared that I had disappeared. How sweet. How cute.

I smirked, "Of course. I'm in here."

It's hard to explain the truly confusing pleasure of my next action. I lunged at my longtime friend and lover, trusting the knife into his delicate flesh and smiled a toothy grin as his blood splattered onto my face.

"R-R-Ra..." He tried to get my name out between stabs, but I'd got him good in the lungs enough to make that nearly impossible.

"Radu," He finally got out in a whisper, "Why?" The why was more of a gasp than the actual word. But I had heard it clearly enough.

"Indeed. Why? That is the question, isn't it?" I think I may have actually scared myself with that tone of voice I used. So serious. So vengeful. But what for?

He just stared at me. Those dark, loving eyes now filled with a look that an animal gets right before you run it over in your car. An unknown entity to the animal.

Just like me. This me. The one he's seeing now. Nicolae doesn't know this me. I'm unfamiliar to him. I'm foreign to him. He doesn't understand. He can't understand.

Even I don't understand.

He began to sob as I lifted my knife up for one final blow, "Radu...I..."

I leaned down and whispered, "Te iubesc," my lips lightly brushing his ear. This was my last goodbye.

To my friend. To my lover.

In a world filled with love, with pure, sweet love...all I could feel was hate.

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