unanswered questions about my world

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Poetry  |  House: Booksie Classic
my life'

Submitted: May 17, 2012

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Submitted: May 17, 2012

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Unanswered Question.

Most teen’s hardest choice is what should I wear or whom should I hang with. My hardest choice is something that I can never take back. My choice is something I might regret in the future, but I might be glad I chose to do it too. The difficult choice I have to make is whether I want to visit my dad or permanently throw him out of my life.  A choice no child should have to make.

Ice covered the trees making them look like a fairytale, but the ground looked like disgusting gray mush (AKA school lunch.) my mom came home, and told me that she and my dad we’re going back to court about custody. I needed to decide if I wanted to visit with my dad or kick him out of my life for good. I wanted to cry, and yell, and punch something, but I held it in and sat there quietly and listened. The first thing that came to mind was E¾ I feared that he would hurt E the same way he had done to me hundreds of times before. It seemed like every time the fear of him coming back left my daily thoughts, he reappeared instantly filling me with hatred and fear.

I thought about the court case daily. The thought was distracting me from school and friends. Half the time I sat there silent not talking to anyone barely paying attention, and the other half I got annoyed at the smallest thing. Every little noise scared me, and made me jump at night. Every car passing by made me cringe hoping I wouldn’t see the unfamiliar face of my dad.

I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want anyone’s pity. One day during tutorial I couldn’t take it anymore, so I told someone. They weren’t my best friend or even a good friend they were just a friend who I tutor in math. I was on the verge of tears, and I told Tony. I didn’t tell lacie, or Bai, or Rachel… no I just told Tony. He listened to what I said and didn’t say much after, but it felt great to let all the emotions of it out to someone anyone. I walked off that day feeling a little happier and a little stronger, and I felt like a little piece of the earth on my heavy shoulders was removed.

It was a Tuesday, and my mom had court with my dad that day. Every so often I would sullenly drag myself into the bathroom, and cry nervous, and scared of the outcome. That was the day I told Lacie everything, and sat at home on the phone with her just crying because I was scared my dad might get partial custody. When my mom came home that night, she told me what happened. They had to go to court yet again, and I would have to go talk to a judge about everything my dad had done to E my mom and I. I felt like I not only had the world on my shoulders, but like I had the whole universe weighing me down. The next day I told Tony everything my mom had told me. I told him how I felt that it’s unfair that I was forced to go through this, and how I felt unloved because no parent should ever put their child through this pain.

I mean I didn’t want to relive everything that had happened with my family; I lived it once didn’t I? Why should I have to go through it yet again? Why would I want to talk about the time I saw my dad get drunk and push my mom down a set of stairs and then see her be loaded into an ambulance and I was only 3 years old, or the time that I had to get up at 10:00 at night to bail my dad out of jail with my mom when I was 6 years old, or the time my dad locked me out of the house when he was drunk and it was the middle of a snow storm, and I only had a night gown on, and I was a little 6 year old girl. What about the time when I came home from first grade to see my dad past out drunk and my little brother who was only about a year or so old stuck in a fold up chair. Imagine being a little girl who has to wonder why their dad runs off half the time to who knows where. What if you had to spend your birthday or Christmas wondering where your dad was? Why should I have to talk about all this? Why should I have to go through the feelings of abandonment and the feeling of being unloved again? Why should I have to think about what I did wrong to make my dad not want me or not want to be around me?

I have to spend the rest of the year reviewing all of this with a lawyer waiting for June 6th to come, so my mom can tell me if I never have to see my dad again, or if I’m going to have to constantly visit him and remember all the horrible things I’ve seen and have been apart of. I want to be with my mom not a place that fills me with anger and depression.

Don’t get me wrong I had good times with my dad like the times when he patiently taught me how to cook and bake. Or when I was little and fell of my bike and got hurt badly, my dad was there to comfort me. When I was little, someone physically bullied me. The person was twice my age, and my dad spent his time and money to make sure that I had a restraining order against him. What happened to that caring dad?

In the end all the bad out weighs the good . I’m only thirteen¾ why should I have to make choices about this? Why can’t I have a normal life like everyone else? They just have to make decesions about hair, makeup, clothes, dating, and friends. Why do I have to be someone who has to make desions like these? Twenty two percent that is the number of kids in our countries who have only one true parent. Why am I a child who has to go through heart braking experiences that I can never forget, and can never truly recover from. How much can one “young” heart take? Everyone is born in the world with a heart ready to love and care so why did he have to “kill” mine.

 

 


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