The Sado Masochists

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Gay and Lesbian  |  House: Booksie Classic
The doomed love that two men experience, wanting to be together but knowing they can't.

Submitted: November 16, 2011

A A A | A A A

Submitted: November 16, 2011



2000 Sydney,

When I think of him, all I can think about is being in utter crazy love.

The summer of the early noughties,

I was just turning 18, The 2000 Olympics passed by like a thunderbolt hitting dirt and poof! It was over, Investigations on the twin towers was on-going in New York, Galliano was completely turning Dior on it’s head, Tom Ford was redefining Gucci and Sex and the City was becoming a religion.

I had just finished fashion school and met the most significant man of my life, the one that was my cure and my cause.

“People say you never really get over your first love” and this only rang true too many times with him. I was entering Art school down in Melbourne and finally moving away from Sydney from my pain, the familiarity of home yet I was leaving a person I adored, loved. Every time I thought about M I felt like a rush of butterflies were flooding into my system.

M stayed in Sydney to attend a prestigious acting institute as a theatre designer, I was so proud of him as only a handful of applicants were chosen from the whole of Australia. Secretly, I knew he would get in, I suppose it’s a gut instinct. So here we are both turning 20, the year 2002 both studying further for our so-called fabulous careers but, before I left I had to tell him that I loved him as I could no longer contain my emotions for him. I didn’t mean to fall in love with him but then again do we ever choose who we fall in love with?

It was a hot Sydney night and we were both at Hyde Park, the sweet yet sick smell of humidity thick in the air, disgusting dirty sepia coloured cockroaches hiding in the buffalo grass. I was looking at him as he sat next to me, cross-legged under the stars.

“M, I’ve got something to tell you” my voice quivering

“What is it?” M said,

“Michael, I think I’m falling in love with you” I blurted out,

He looked at me in silence, his blue eyes trying to search for something… maybe trying to understand what those words meant.

He finally spoke after a long pause “yeah, I thought you were going to say something like that”

“Really?” I said shocked

“Yeah, I did, I just felt it ” he whispered,

I was mortified by his response, I wanted to curl up! find a small crevice and die!

“Don’t you hate me, say you hate me!” I said moving away,

“I don’t hate you, come closer to me” he motions to me, patting the patchy grass

“No! Say you hate me” moving away more in embarrassment, I look desperately for my fags in my bag and light one.

“Come closer, stop moving away” M says slowly again

“No, I don’t want to…” I say, my cigarette shaking in between my fingers, M watches me

“Well?” whilst releasing smoke from my mouth, I look at him as he stares into the grass

He looks back at me,

“Xavier, you don’t even know me, so how can you even love me? You don’t even know who I am!” he looks at me, his blue eyes almost seething with confusion and anger.

Not the response one expects after you declare your love, though it was true. I didn’t know him but I still loved him though, every being of him, I loved. I didn’t know why but I had to have him or I should die, I knew he wasn’t gay or wealthy or amazingly beautiful but I was drawn to him like a crazy person. It hurt to breathe without him.

As I said we don’t choose who we love, both M and myself barely noticed each other at fashion school. He was some kid from regional Australia and looked like he was in the wrong course. Moppish brown hair, pimples, slim build and brought a hideous green backpack, he had a tendency to bring his lunch in a Home Yardage plastic bag and seemed some what withdrawn and taken aback by Sydney. Whereas I was the classic North Shore princess, private school education with very a middle class family accompanied by very middle class values. Dressed in YSL and Calvin Klein I thought I was the bees knees at fashion school with an attitude to match. When I look back us that first year and realize what would happen to us, if I could go back in time I would have changed how I treated my M. I was just a naïve 18 yr old lost, confused and in pain.

Fashion school was a strange place, for myself it was an extension of high school; the bitching, the backstabbing, the money game private school kids are bred on. M never played apart of any of these games. I didn’t realize what was going on with him but then again did I even care? M told me years later that he was struggling and those two years were one of the hardest times of his life. He wasn’t from money, his mum was supporting him but still it was really rough for him. I could have helped him but he didn’t really share anything personal with me, our conversations were predominately about me and my life and my problems. I had just come out of school losing two very close friends in years 10 and 11and I was quavering about my own mortality. When I think about those days a wave of guilt washes over me, I don’t think he realizes how much, even now. Through our daily conversations, polarized backgrounds and our mutual feeling of displacement we found common ground and eventually, we became close, friends. I had never met anyone like from him before so eager to know so much about me and one time, when I asked what his dad did for a living he told me that his dad was a farmer, I laughed and thought he was joking but he wasn’t. How utterly naïve and sheltered I was, I thought in my strange little mind everyone had grown up like me. Nice house in the north shore, mum always at home, dad working in his nicely paying white collar job at the law courts of NSW, older sisters married to successful men, a holiday house in Leura and holidays abroad. I in turn was some fictional character for him he told me, I thought people like you only existed on tv, he said apparently I reminded him of a character from ‘looking for alibrandi’. I was so self absorbed in those days and I always felt better about myself by flaunting my wealth in his face and yet it didn’t faze him. M didn’t care how many mercs, houses, designer clothes I owed he didn’t even know who YSL was. I guess that was a quality that I loved in him and learnt from him but I had to ask myself, who was this strange creature with the blue eyes and what was he doing at fashion school?

The first year went by, I was some what disillusioned by the end of it. I had these preconceived expectations that blew up in my face and I had second thoughts about returning but I did. And for some strange reason during the Christmas break I was thinking about M a lot. We all met at the hall at half 9 for a welcoming assembly. I was in the doorway wanting to slice my wrists and someone says behind me


I look around and it’s M, in an old, blue jumper with a single brown button on the collar and his blue lee jeans with his hideous green backpack.

“Hi there! “ I smiled back

I saw him standing next to me, he had grown an inch, he had a tan, his brown hair was slightly longer and he was slightly broader. His blue eyes sparkled as he smiled at me and I thought he is so beautiful, fuck I’m falling in love him. I remember looking at him thinking I never knew he was so beautiful and my heart skipped a beat. Second year began with a bang in my heart, we became quite close through the months. I did everything with him and began opening up to him as he slowly started sharing with me. We got each other instantly and I will always be grateful to him for opening up my eyes to reality and my heart.

After I told him I loved him, we were almost at the end of that year, we had both decided that we needed to further our education, fashion school was a complete waste of time. The costume illustration teacher we had for one of our classes, encouraged M to apply to theatre school so he applied and after months of waiting he got in! I decided to break free from the reigns of design school to apply to art school and like M I got in. I decided that I had to get away from Sydney I was afraid of falling in love with him and with all the hurt I had felt, I wasn’t going to let him hurt me too. I wasn’t ready to go abroad and Melbourne was the next best thing. The last day of fashion school, I made my mind up that after declaring my love for M at Hyde Park and with his response I would break it off completely. He didn’t love me and I was being somewhat delusional and stupid. The last day of fashion school we walked towards town hall, I remember feeling that I would never see him again, and again I would be once again alone and afraid.

“I’ve got to meet my mum, so I’ll see you later” M said as he dropped me off at Town Hall Arcade

“Oh, ok good luck with everything” I said, turning away from him and heading towards Town Hall.

“Xavier, wait” he said

“You have cut everyone out of your life, let me be the one that stays”

Those words pierced me and I felt like I was going to melt into a pool of emotions. My heart had already melted with his words.

I looked into those blue eyes and I said, “ I will, I will call you when I am in Melbourne, Michael” I could of stayed in Sydney and had a nice little vacuous life ignorant to the realities but I wanted to try and make it on my own. I needed it! I needed to experience what M did so I could get closer to him, though physically I would be miles away. A strange mentality, I know, but I knew I needed to leave.

I always wonder what would have happened if I had stayed in Sydney. Woulda? Coulda? Shoulda?

So I left Sydney, I remember promising myself I wouldn’t cry. At central station with two suitcases waiting with dad to board my train.

“Melbourne, 2:30pm departing on platform 2” the speakers at central blared.

“I guess this is me, dad” I said

“Safe journey, call me, Mr kid” he said jokingly. Dad always said I was a child trapped in a man’s body.

He did the manly action and took out his hand to shake mine, I shook his hand and started to cry, hugging him.

“You’ll be fine” dad said, as I started to weep into his chest, I felt like a wanker but suddenly I was scared.

“Be strong” as he wiped my wet cheeks, I pulled away grabbed my bags and said good-bye and headed into the country rail train and I left Sydney, mum, dad and left my heart with Michael.


Walking back from Coles to Moira ave in Carnegie ‘Sophie b Hawkins’ Damn I wish you were my lover’ is on repeat on my Sony Discman, I ended up living with an art teacher in her late twenties in a beautiful 2-bedroom art deco house. Mum and dad had come down a week before with all my things in their car so memories of Sydney was everywhere in my room.

My phone vibrates, a text from M “See you soon, Friday will be here soon”

Michael was coming down in less than a week, my heart was going to explode.

It was mid may and both M and I were flung into the deep end of our courses, we spoke religiously on the phone as I told him where I was going and what I was doing and he updated me with his life. He had just moved out of Glebe and found a share house off Crown street in Surry Hills, sharing with two Swedish back packers. His schedule was much more crazier then mine, starting at 9 and ending at 9 whilst having to endure bus rides to Kensington. I was swaning around Swanston street in Melbourne having almost 4 lattes a day at Vault Café, a café underneath the campus or smoking on the roof of the art building. I was enjoying the freedom of art school though again I had not met a being like M yet which I was desperately searching for, in vain. I’d sit in the lecture halls and scan the room for a boy that might remind me of M. Being art school, unfortunately for me it was flooded with girls. Pity, I’d think to myself and throw myself back into the mundane Bauhaus lecture.

Friday eventually came though it seemed like an eternity.

“in the cab be there in 10” a text from M.

He’s finally here, I mutter to myself. I check the bedroom to make sure it’s perfect then I glance in the mirror to see how I look, “ewh” I look at my reflection it will have to do as I run my hands through my jet black, wavy hair.

The doorbell rings,

“He’s here!” I scream at my housemate, Mary- lee

“Not too excited are you?” she screams back whilst she types away in front of her computer screen , sitting upon a large blue gym ball bouncing away to Natalie Merchant.

I run and open the door, as he is standing there with that bloody green backpack

“Hello you” I grin, motioning him to come in

“Hey” he smiles back,

“Come in, welcome to my house, how was the flight?” I ask him as he dumps his gear in the hall way

“Nice place X, actually I caught the bus down” he smirked, as I look in horror.

“What? The bus, did that take like 4 days?” I joke

“No, more like 11 and I can’t feel my legs” he says as he starts stretching in the living room.

‘Well, you’re here now cowboy” I smile moving closer into him

“I know, finally” he said brushing away my hair from my face.

Back in those early days, I was so completely in love with him. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to recapture that emotion with anyone else. That emotion of pure, breathtaking, invincibility you get because you love someone and hopefully they love you back. With Michael I never knew where I stood, I was never sure if he loved me back and I never knew if he ever thought of me the way I did. In those days I couldn’t care less, I had never loved anyone before and for once I had a reason to live again. The fact he was with me was all that mattered. I thought back then, that this fact was my religion but like all religions it consumed me and ate me up alive and for him I’ll never know how it affected him, as he always said “it’s always been about you”. To this day I never knew what I was for him.

How things and time can change.

2011 Sydney, Paddington, Glenmore road.

“See you at Darlo bar at 7, cowboy xo” I text M, it’s the day before his birthday. We had arranged weeks ago that I would buy him dinner and drinks. I’ve always thought and I’ve told M many times that we are such sado masochists. We are not healthy for each other and though time and experiences have changed us that sometimes we are in the standing same spot. Sometimes I feel like I bore M with my reminiscences of the past, as he has moved on and I am just that stupid fag who fell in love with him. M and myself ceased talking for a couple of years and it’s only been recently, our attempts of reconciliation and maybe salvage some kind of connection, though for me it’s a journey of happiness and pain whenever I see him. The worst thing is that he’s moved on and I have not, so many years have passed by and like some pathetic wounded bird I can’t seem to get over him. And now I am seeing him for his 29th birthday, helping him with his Masters, with unresolved feelings and now I am completely fucked.

The first time I saw him again at the airport late last year, he had come up from Melbourne for me as I asked him to be my plus one for fashion week. I saw him and he didn’t recognize me as I had cut my hair into a choppy buzz cut and had redyed it from always having it black to my natural ash blonde. M looked slightly older and had broadened out to be a man, white flecks showing in his chestnut brown hair and his blues eyes dimming slightly to a soft shade of grey. That boy I had loved for so many years had grown up to be a man.

“Hello, you” I said in the familiar tone I would always use on him

“Hey! You’ve cut your hair” he responded with a smile

“I know, I’ve going some what ala natural”

“Xavier, there’s nothing natural about you”

“I’m trying though”

“You haven’t changed Mr. Dorian Gray, you still look like you’re 22”

“We’re nearly 30 now Mr. man”

“I know” he smiled

I meet him at Darlo Bar upstairs, he’s not here and it’s a quiet crowd with just the locals “perfect” I think. I get myself a house white and meander towards the back, sit down and light up. My head hurts too much from thinking about everything, I lose myself in the smoke whilst looking at the sky.

“Howdy” he says dressed in his black skinny leg jeans and a blue cowboy shirt.

“You want another drink? He asks

“No I’m right, actually sit down it’s your birthday, what do you want as I stand up, grabbing my Louis Vuitton wallet and start moving towards the bar.

“oh, ok I’ll have a cider as summer is nearly over” he responds planting himself on the chair across me.

I bring back two cock sucking cowboys and a jug of cider on a black tray “happy birthday, cowboy”, I sing

“You’re crazy, are you trying to get me drunk, so you can have your way with me coz I’m sexy” he grins

Yes and no, Mr. birthday boy, you’re not that sexy” I smirk

“I am my mum tells me so”

“Okay, well she is crazy” I smile

he smiles back

Cheers as he slams down the shot with me.

We have a civil chat, talking about work, our families and our masters. I am trying really hard not to bring up my emotional tsunami erupting inside of me. I feel it slamming against my insides and moving my organs around, it lodges at the back of my throat yet, I laugh, smile and joke with him but the alcohol lures it out. More drinks and we are getting tipsier by the minute due to our empty stomachs

“What’s wrong?” he says out of the blue, as I light another fag

“Why do you think there is anything wrong, Michael?

“Don’t give me that bullshit X, I’ve known you for too long. Talk you! Now! He commands

“Michael nothing is wrong, it’s your birthday, it’s nothing,,, please!

“Talk to me, come on Xavier, he pats me on the arm fuck my birthday… it’s obvious you are really down”

I can feel my emotions starting to surface, oh fuck!!!!

“Look I’ll get another round, Cider? then you can tell me” as he stands up

I nod, as he goes to the toilet and comes back with two Magners.

“Well?” he says

“I think you should go back down to Melbourne!” I blurt out

“Okay, where’s this coming from?” he looks puzzled and hurt

“ I wanted to talk about it another day not today but I’m drunk so I don’t care, you’re still seeing Natasha aren’t you?

“Why do you need to know, I’ve told you no” he responds,

The fact he said why do you need to know, only made it more so a lie, I knew it

“Why are you bringing her up now? He asks

“I want to know!” I say

“Well we can't really talk about her and anyway you can't even call her by her real name, she’s not an abject thing!” he shouts in frustration,

“No! I can’t her call by her fucking real name!”

“What aren’t you telling me?”

“Fine, fuck it! I’m still in love with you!”

“I asked you that and you said no you weren’t” he responds

“And you believed me?” I question him

“What am I suppose to believe?” he says

“You said no so I believed you, no?”

“The things I do for you is not out of pure friendship, don’t be so naïve” I tell him

“Why, are you doing this now, why again Xavier!” he pleads

“It’s not a off and on button, do you think I want to be here again? Tell me, I need to know are you back with Natasha?”

“Her name isn’t Natasha, it’s Marion and yes, Xavier we are back together” he said those words so swiftly no hesitation

I was holding back the tears, bang he shot me again, again he hurt me as I had predicted but I still loved him maybe I am the sado masochist, for a moment I felt like Carrie trapped with Mr Big and his Natasha.

“I knew it! I didn’t believe you when you said that it was over”

I’m not a liar Xavier, don’t make me out to be a jerk! You know I couldn’t tell you” he says

“You don’t need to protect me and I didn’t say that you were” I spit out

“No, but you have a way of making me feel like shit”

“Well, I’m sorry”

“Then mean it!”

“I do!”

“Since I am hurting you then I’ll relocate, I’ll relocate back to Melbourne, to give you closure, as I never did! I’m sorry,” he looks down, away from me

" I don’t want an apology, You can’t! You have too much to lose with me and work, Are you really going to go back and leave me like this?”

“I don't care, I don't want to hurt you anymore or see you harm yourself over me period!”

“If you leave me like this I will harm myself again, you can't come into my life like this and then piss off again, not again Michael you’ve done that to me before, I will harm myself to hurt you, I will!

“ Xavier, what can I do? He pleaded

“I don't know?” I say

“Can’t you just love me and be with other people? but come home to me, I whimper avoiding his blue eyes

“But I do love you, can't you see? You always want that from me and again it begins” he says

“What begins? You can’t do that for me?” I reply

"I need to go then, I can't be here anymore!"

" Leave me like you did before, you're good at doing that" I spit out

"Don’t be a bastard!! You broke us off not me" he yells

“We were never together and whatever we were, I had to break it off because you didn’t have the guts to! You knew I was dying for your affections but all I wanted was you because for fucksake ! Michael, I love you , now then and still, Michael you know this!"

“I don't deserve it, why do you love me? i'm nothing!"

"I love you because it's you! and i need you to fuck me! I’ve never asked that of you!”

"Is that what I am to you, another of your boys?"

"No, you're more why can’t you see that!" I tell him, moving my hand over his on the table

"I’ll fuck you if that's what you need but then we change, i'll leave and give you up and everything" he says moving away

"Is that it? you can't give me that?"

"What do i get from this?”

"me, closure, if it's that bad for you think of it as a mercy fuck!"

"i slept with a shitload of girls is that what you want to be, one of then, i'll close my eyes and think of someone else and just fuck you, You want me to plough you and make you feel like a dirty cheap whore? is that what you need for closure?

"yes" i say

"you really fucking shock me, you know... I can’t believe we are here again and I just can’t deal with you or me anymore, I need to know is there an alternative?

"no, you won't give me that and i have to bargain with you, fine i respect your decision, i'll never bring it up again!" I am over his decision

"if you need it, i'll give it to you!" if that's how i can help you! But we will change I will leave you I will fuck you to get me out of your system but then I’m leaving"

“Why are you such a bastard with me? I’ve never asked you to sleep with me if I wanted a fuck out of you I would have thrown myself on you already”

“I know”, he said “but I don’t love…(he hesitated) but I don’t love you in that way”

“EXACTLY!!!!! I want you to love me like you do Marion, and you never could “ I scream

“But I love you differently, I love you differently, I love her differently,” he butts in

“Don’t compare us!” I spit

“What can I say? To you Xavier either way I’m screwed, you’re making me choose her or you. I don’t see it that way”

“Say nothing, you’ve said it all now Michael” I look away and light another cigarette as silent tears run down my face

I couldn’t bear to look at him, not now “I need to know one thing Michael, Is she prettier than me? I ask him, ashamed

“What? you can’t compare you’re a man, why do you ask me this?”

“I know I don’t want to be a woman but I want to know who is more attractive” I press him

“I’ve told you!”

“tell me again, I want to hear it from you”

“you are! You know you are!”

I know can I be more pathetic but I needed to know from him that I was attractive in his eyes, just in his eyes over her.

“You know I need to be a priority , your priority I need that over her in some fucked up way. I need that over her for me!” I tell him, mortified I am such a low creature.

“You are my fucking priority why can’t you see that!”

“Not over her!” I spit out

“Xavier, you are honestly, you are! One day you won’t be to another Natasha or Marion but you are over her, hands down!”

“God, I’m horrible, I’m going straight to hell aren’t I?”

He stays silent

“Is it still true?” I ask him

“What is?” He responds

“You know when I asked you once when I was really drunk, god, I’m a cunt! But when I asked you hypothetically if we were both drowning, Marion or me who would you save me first, god I hate myself right now but is it?”

“Yes, it’s you!”

“I hate me, I hate you and this situation right now and I sigh…..At the end of the fucking day, Just be my boy that’s all I want from you!” defeated and emotionally exhausted

“I am” M said as stared at me with those beautiful blue eyes as I looked away. What was I doing with him again, why did I have to open this Pandora’s box again, am I that much of a sado masochist? Why can’t I let him go when he is destroying me? He doesn’t want or love me but why am I going back for more? I was hurting him as much as I was hurting me. Why the fuck am I here again? Why can’t I just get over him, I can get over everything and everyone.

What the fuck did I do to him in our former lives that I am completely wounded by him? Or do I want it more so, So I can feel alive.


2004 RMIT, Bowen lane, lecture hall 3

Wednesday, sitting in the afternoon tute with a large red 70’s suitcase, mum’s old case.

Heading off to Sydney in three hours time to see M.

“I swear, X” Gareth said, “You live in Sydney and commute to Melbourne, what you’ve been doing this for months”

Well, Gareth you know when you gotta see a boy, you just gotta see him plus its his birthday and I am going to surprise him, he doesn’t know I’m coming”

“Aye I do, aren’t you are nice little mrs” he laughs, winking at me

“I know, shoot me now!” I say rolling my eyes

Gareth was my touch stone at uni, the only other poof in my class in which I could unload my pains and woes. A tall, blonde, artistic looking guy slightly older and travelled, he had his fair share of pain and in his late twenties decided to pursue his passion in painting and take a break from boys, I was always grateful I met Gareth, he was the older gay brother I never had.

“Pissing off again?” Celine whispers behind us,

“late as usual” I respond

“got so stoned and pissed last night after this gallery opening in fitzroy”

“not on smith street?” I ask

“yes, Xavier the scary street but it’s not that bad, honestly” Celine says looking at me with pity

“smith street isn’t scary” Gareth looks puzzled

“In my defense have you guys been to that safeway at night”

“oh,” they both say

“but that’s like one tiny part of it though” Gareth adds

“we have a princess amongst our midst though” Celine laughs

“that’s right, laugh at me for being so damn sheltered! Yes I am pathetic blame my liberal voting conservative parents for making me a north shore princess”

“if you three have finished, can we proceed?” Professor Altman aka nosferatu looks at us sternly , a shaved head skinny little man with glasses that always hunched over when he walked, voices out from across the dark room.

“Sorry” the three of us chime back as he restarts the slide show about post modernism in the 20th century in his monotone voice, his tutorials was always painful and dull, much like watching paint dry.

Celine, how can I describe her. All I can say is that she reminded me of a lot of a combination of daria and jane, from the mtv cartoon Smart, pessimistic, black rimmed glasses, with auburn opheliaesque hair complete op shopper, a curtain lace skirt she had whipped up was a favorite of mine she had grown up in Canberra and had been expelled from the grammar school and moved off into being that arty too cool for school chic.

After the tute, the three of us cross the road for a latte at the vault

“god that was painful” I say plonking down in a cubicle with my suitcase

“I kind of liked it” Celine responds

“You would” gareth and I sing out

“Thanks guys” Celine pokes her tongue out

“So what’s in Sydney? Apart from going there every second week” Celine asks me as the waitress brings over the coffees

“Michael’s surprise birthday and Michael” Gareth laughs

“That’s it really, plus my new housemate is abit strange she is starting to freak me out”

This is the new place in north melboune right?

What’s she doing?

She locks her door, fine whatever! But she has this strange routine that freaks me out, its like clock work , she comes home, goes into her room for like an hour, comes out makes tea which stinks the whole house out! Then watches tely for about an hour then off to bed at 8:30, on the weekend its worse, she sits in front of the tely for both Saturday and Sunday, I’ve asked if she wants to go out for a drink but always responds a no

I try to talk to her but its yes or no answers which piss me off more, so I’ve given up completely”

“I’ve lived with people like that” Gareth empathizes “they’re strange creatures of habit”

“you should live with us” Celine says

‘Well kiddies gotta go, now, off to work I go?” gareth says as he stands up putting on his jacket

“well, don’t work too hard Gazza”

“it’s a bloody gay café in Prahan, its more fun than work you get them all the queens, muscle marys the whole kit and kaboddle you see them at the cafe then at the market afterwards but I love it” he laughs

“bye babes” Celine tells him

“have fun in sydders!” he says patting me on the shoulder and heads out

“well, what are you going to do?

“I’ve spoken to his housemate, Leda who’s a chef so we are going to cook him a meal and drink”

“sounds fun, I know, hopefully he wont be too late”

“well baby, I’ve got to head off too, making dinner for the housies” Celine says as she wraps her pink and blue silk scarf around her neck.

“too cute”

“I know I have a wife and two husbands she grimaces

“have fun” planting a kiss on xavier’s cheek and meanders off

“bye, gorge” see you when I get back

Flight to Sydney on DJ1 Z45, at 7 :30 pm, I’ll be there soon with him sharing the same air, space ,bed and body.

2007 Clarins, Myer Melbourne,

My phone goes off as I gather my bag and water bottle from the beauty room to head off to lunch

“Hi it’s me,”

“Hello” silence……my heart is beating 120 miles per minute

“I just wanted to say that I’m leaving now, I’m at the airport” Michael slowly says

Silence, my heart is ripped out off my body and bleeding on the ground next to me, he is finally leaving me, you fucking bastard I want to scream at him

“Hello, are you there?’ He says

“Yeah, I’m here, ,,,,I see” I respond, “well look after yourself “, I add coldly

“Thanks, well see you then” he responds

Bye I say and hang up the phone, my world which was him is finally over, and he has broken me once again. I need a fucking drink! I think to myself.

Going home from Melbourne central to South Yarra, the train ride seems like an eternity and I feel like I am in a trance. I don’t know whether I am existing in reality or its some surreal nightmare, I slowly get off the train and head up the stairs and finally I can feel the tears well inside of me, they are blurring my vision and I can feel the hot tears fall down my flushed face. I quickly start rushing to get out of the station, I can’t breathe, I am alone and he is gone and finally it’s over, we Xavier and Michael do not exist, we have now yielded to the past and I can no longer go on.

2011 Sydney, Darlinghurst, Womerah Avenue.

Another lazy Sunday, Michael is in the studio finishing off an essay, shirtless exposing his hairy chest and his trackie dacks, it makes him look like a man child, I look at him from the living room as he types away, he is immersed in his world. Angus and Julia Stone is playing in the background,

“Gonna take you on a big jet plane”

He makes me smile. I flick through my British vogue and start reading an article on Fashion schools and I start to think about us and what we were like in Fashion school

“Hey you, are you going to have a break?” I ask him

“Yep I need a tea, me thinketh, you milady?

“Builders tea please” I sing back.

Michael heads into the kitchen and starts making our tea. The familiar sounds of making tea start echoing throughout the house: the opening of the drawers/clinking of the spoons/ whistling of the kettle, and the pouring of the milk, oh god, how domestic we are I think to myself. Michael brings over our mugs, my rose and his carlton mug. He sits down and he places my legs over his lap.

“How you doing?” he says in a cheesy way

“oh god” I roll my eyes, he always loved making me laugh and I close my vogue.

“You were so strange at fashion school,” I said to M

“Yeah I was a strange kid, wasn’t I?”

“I guess you weren’t strange, you were normal we were the freaks that you never would have encountered”

“You, all as I said to you before reminded me of ‘looking for alibrandi’ you weren’t real people and then I said to myself “fuck you people are real”

“Were we that alien to you? Honestly, not everyone from the country is poor”

“No, not everyone is poor in the country but you guys were so flippant to wealth, money and status but that’s all you knew, you didn’t know any other, I don’t think you’ll ever know how that, well the lack of it can affect someone?”

“I do, I have roughed it Michael, “

“yes you have” he butted in “ but you’ve always had that financial blanket there, that platinum amex is there you know that and so is that trust its there, it might not be visibly infront of you , but it is there!”

“I know that, you know that but I don’t go back to it all the time”

“You will never know, you say you understand babes, you do and I thank you but you’ll never really experience that hardship, like you never did at fashion school about moving out and fending for yourself”

“Yes but it was different’

“Baby its always different but you’ll never unless you experience it, you know that”

“Look if you had told me, I could of helped you”
“why, would I tell you, I mean back then, you still have no understanding of money, tax, or the poor.

“Baby, that’s harsh!’

“is it, you totally ignore the bums on the street that ask you for money, as if they aren’t human enough to talk to”

“Its not that!!!”

“What is it then” he laughs

“It could be for drugs in which I am fueling and plus we live in a 1st world country we have many services for those people”
“Oh those people is it, baby, it’s not that easy, its just not I wish it was but it’s not!” he says as he rubs my leg.

“Babes, I’m hungry, lets do lunch”, Michael stares at me for a moment and laughs and for a minute second we’re happy and all off our problems have evaporated into thin non-existent air.

2011 Sydney, Darlinghurst, Womerah Avenue.

“What the fuck is wrong, what have I done now?” he screams

“You’ve done nothing wrong, I’m the selfish shit” I shout back as I tense up on the sofa

“Yes I have, you’ve been an emotional shit, it’s the third time this week for fucksake!”

“I can’t do this anymore Michael, I just can’t” I cry

“Then what do you want to do, fucking tell me, Jesus Xavier”

“We need to part ways” I say looking away from him

“Maybe we do” he responds back, I knew this was coming” he says

“I was going to break with you in December, but maybe I can’t do this anymore, I’m going mad”

“Lets do it in December, I’ll leave I’ve always been bad for you, every one tells you, fine we’re over” he spits

“Why wait?” I retort angered by his response

“Then when?”

“Don’t come back to me after Melbourne”

“What,?” He screams in anger “You’re not going to give me a week? To look for a place, you fucking selfish cunt”


“You cold hearted bitch” he fumes, his face and neck start to blaze neon red

“I cannot believe you, you tell me you love me and now I have no where to live, I cannot believe you! I cannot oh, god, Xavier go to bed! He shouts

“Michael don’t do this, it’s the best for both of us” I plead

“Are you going to throw my stuff away? I can’t pack everything in a fucking night” he shouts

I remain silent

“Fine, fuck you, I’m not coming back” he starts to grab his stuff and starts packing, roughly stuffing his clothes into a backpack

“Michael, don’t, come here,” I say frightened by his anger and ashamed of my words, ashamed of my actions

“No, I’ve got to fucking pack my shit”

“Please Michael, come and sit down and talk to me” I plead

“For fucksake Xavier,” he looks at me, his blue eyes electric, filled with anger he throws down his jeans and comes over, crashing onto the sofa

“What is going with you at the moment, what the fuck are you doing?”

“Michael, I’ve got no idea, look we always seem to fight before you go and see her”

and you are right, you are bad for me everyone tells me but at times you are my cause but at the same time my cure”

“You are so bi polar I cannot keep up but as I never gave you closure, and since you have brought this up, I’ll leave” he says bitterly

“Are you ready to let me go? Honestly are you ready to let me go?” I start to cry

“No but I never have,”

“Then what are you doing with her?” I scream

“That’s the thing Xavier, what does it matter with her, ‘she’ has got nothing to do with it, it’s about you and me and that’s what you can’t see, its about us” he screams back

“There is no us, as you like to tell me all the time” I spit

“well this is an issue between you and I so that makes it an ‘us’ regardless, I really am at my wits end, fuck I am, Xavier” Michael says defeated

“Do you love me?” I whine

“Yes I love you, why do you question it so much?”

“Because the fact that she is still there”

“But there always will be a her, regardless” he reassures me

“And yes you’re right, it’s hurtful and then you become a fucking cunt” I butt in

“Where is this coming from?” Michael pleads again, his blue eyes searching for something

Silence, “Yes its hurtful but I need to remind you, at times you are so oblivious of where you and I stand, I fucking love you god knows why? And then you question me over and over again, what are you trying to do? You undermine everything, you are fucking destroying us!” He screams in frustration

“Maybe, I can’t salvage us anymore, maybe your love just isn’t good enough” I respond

“no, maybe not, I agree Xavier, you don’t deserve that but who do you love or even like, you loathe everyone and your little false in genuine act is getting really old and sad, you are letting go of someone who loves you the most!” his words start to hurt me

“Why is that so important, how genuine or ingenuine I am? As long as I am polite? And enquire?”

“It’s your tone, its so fucking fake” he explains

“Regardless,” I butt in
“no you just don’t fucking get it,!” he is seething“You use your words like a weapon, and yes you apologize and say sorry but it is so in genuine, you use your words so beautiful you have lost the meaning of them, its frightening how you have lost all meaning and I know you can’t stand my family!”

“Regardless I always ask about them, I’ve even asked you many times to bring your god damn sister over numerous times, for you?” I retort

“Yes, and I love you for that, as you do that for me to show me that you love me but you also let me know about it, but in all honestly whether they die or live you don’t fucking care!”

“That’s fucking harsh !”

“I do it for you, I didn’t know I had to fucking like them, I don’t expect you to like my family, I can’t stand them myself!” frustrated by him

“And that’s the difference, I actually like them” he adds

“Fine I’m a in genuine bitch, ok!, lets be honest they are not my kind of people but I try for you and that’s not good enough, I suppose she genuinely likes them” I become vicious

“She does actually she’s nice, and that’s why I like her, no that’s why I love her” he shouts at me, those words piece me like an ice pick

“She’s poor, fat and nice isn’t she, your little back up dancer. I’m shocked you’d go for such white trash, then again that is your background” I retaliate, hoping he will hurt as much as me, I know with these words, it will break him, our bond, our love.

“You’re a vindictive, cold hearted bitch and I feel sorry for you, honestly I do”

“Go back to your fucking girlfriend, a dancer didn’t you say? A bullshit one at that no doubt, I suppose being so flexible she’ll have problems closing her legs, but then again you go for that don’t you Michael? I smirk

“Fuck you, Xavier!” he spits, grabbing his jacket and slams the front door; I can feel his anger as he storms by me.

The slam of the front door echoes throughout my whole body, I can feel the love of us disintegrating another fight, words exchanged and truths lined with venom. I promised myself that I wouldn’t involve any emotions, I love him but it must be contained like everything in my life. So here I am nearly 30, career focused and living with my so called ex, and I am fine but I wonder it seems to make sense but this, what I have with Michael, why does it hurt so fucking much!


2004, St Kilda, Ackland Street

“Celine, it’s me are you free to catch up?”

“Hello sweets, just about to start my shift at Big Mouth ends at 5 meet you there then we can have dinner there for free”

“Sounds good”

“How was Sydney?”

“Bad, bad, bad long story anyways all is good so I’ll see you at half 4”

“are you ok?”

“I’ll live anyways I’ll talk you then”

“Righty o, see you then”

Getting off at Balaclava station and walking down the ramp to catch the tram to St Kilda, The air is crisp and the scent of salt lingers in the air. Mandalay’s “This life is playing – take this life, in your hands” on repeat on my Ipod, and I think of him and I think of us and what just happened, how its so complicated hows it so unfair. The tram slowly trudges to a stop as I get on, ah Melbourne, old ladies are sitting wandering aimlessly out the window as we pass St Kilda town hall, I think to myself . I am so far away from the scenario, our scenario and now we are over. We are officially over and the pain of not being together accompanied by the pain of being together feels like acid coursing through my veins, it hurts to breathe, it hurts to move, death would be a savior. In my void of pain and loss suddenly the tram finally terminates on Ackland Street, we all slowly parade off and it still hurts.

St Kilda is crowded with people everywhere, the wannabe Bondi of Melbourne, I slowly pass the shops to get to Big Mouth, passing the glorious smell of fish and chips and coffee melting everywhere. All I can think is him and every step is a step away from him and away from us

“hey babes,” Celine sings at me as she wipes down the table next to me,

“Hey you” as I put down my latte, slightly lost in my own world.

“Sorry, can’t talk , the new manager is around she’s cool but abit nazi like, I finish in 5 so I’ll come to you”

“Cool bananas” I respond, trying to get my mind of him, watching the sea of people talking and drinking, ironically Alanis Moriestte’s jagged little pill is playing, and I can start feeling the tears well up inside of me tears of anger/rage and pain. Is he that blind to me or is it me ? looking down into my pool of liquid caramel in my glass smoking away, I want to just dive in and be smothered by this liqiuid and just stop it all. After reading novels about heroines from the 20th century dying from the pains of love, it all made all too much sense, I could just die from the pain.

Crown street, Surry Hills Sydney 2004

“Xavier!!!”, Leda shouts at me in her German accent as she opens the door

“allo libeling” as I give her a hug

“what is going on? She says in shock, you did not call me to say you vere coming up?

“I’ve come up to surpise Michael for his birthday, I was hoping you guys were at home or I would have been screwed waiting for hours on the street, he’s gone to school no doubt”

yes he is gone, as usual at half past 7

"velcome home’ Leda says

"So all is well?", I ask as we both climb up the stairs and head into the kitchen

Leda, Michael’s German housemate had come to Sydney with her boyfriend and had broken up with him, instead of lamenting the loss of her boy she decided to stay and move on with her life in Sydney. A petite blonde creature with Scandinavian features slaving away in a restaurant in the GPO building at Martin Place, the extremes we go to for a damn visa!

“Ya vorking as usual, I am so glad you have come back, I think this idea is perfect, I was thinking we should do something but I had no idea what to do, he is always so busy."

“And how is Franny?”

" She went to Queensland vith some friends I think she will be back by tonight, so the whole family will be back together” she laughs

“Well, I thought we could make him a meal and also bake him a cake, what do you think?”

“Ya perfect, I have this new dish I want to make with okra” she says

“What’s okra?” I ask

“It is this vegetable that I normally don’t cook with but we have a new dish at work with okra and it is delicious so I vill make it and make a traditional german dessert, it is so yummy” Leda explains

“Sounds good,” I respond in excitement

“Do you remember my friend Janette? You met her at Hugos”

“I think so I’m not sure, I think , is she the brunette, works as the sous chef”

“Ya Ya’ Leda nods “she is the Italian girl, well, she has been asking about Michael and I think she likes Michael, do you think we should invite over?”

Oh god, I think to myself,

“of course, you should” I reply, my heart sinks

“I will call her now, ooh is exciting, ya?” she shouts as she goes into her room.

Crown street, Surry Hills Sydney 2003

I wake up in M’s bed, he is having a shower, I can smell him on the sheets and it makes me smile, I’ve always been so in love with the way he smells. M’s room is littered with paper, clothes, magazines, art materials and theatre model boxes. In the darkness I move towards his stereo and insert my Mazzy Star c.d skipping to track 3 “fade into you”. I heard this song for the first time with celine at a café on Gertrude street in Fitzroy, I fell in love with it instantly and thought of M, it was our song, it described us only too well.

“I want to hold the hand inside you

I want to take the breath that’s true

I look to you and I see nothing

I look to you to see the truth

You live your life

You go in the shadows

You’ll come apart and you’ll go black

Some kind of night into your darkness

Colours your eyes with what’s not there

Fade into you

Strange you never knew

Fade into you

I think its strange you never knew”

M walks in wet and with a towel wrapped around his waist

“hey, good tune” he smiles as he sits down on the bed

“hey”, I smile back

“brekkie” he suggests

“Straw café? (mint café on crown street) ”

“good thinking 99 ” he smiles

2004, Big Mouth, Ackland Street, St Kilda,

“You look horrible,” are you going to tell me what happened? Celine beggs

Eat, honestly, I’ll tell you afterwards, it’s the same drama blah blah blah, it’s silly honestly”

“Oh god, Xavier, you’re so secretive, we all know you are in some pseudo relationship with him , I mean are you even boyfriends? It’s all fucked up if you ask me” she says as she devours more of her pasta. “its not like you are ugly or still in the closet, your fab and gay and we love you, so get a guy that understands this” spitting tiny bits of salmon.

“ I know,” I reply I can feel the repressed tears well up inside of me

“Anyways what’s news with you? How’s the house?” I quickly change the subject, my voice quavering for a second

“Really good, I love it so much there, but it’s bloody cold at night, then again we are in Melbourne and its winter, last night all of us started painting the cupboards in the kitchen plus being drunk did not help but hey we’re art students in our twenties!

“true dat, girlfriend! But aren’t you renting?”

“we’ll fix it up when we go though the house itself is in a bit of a state though”

“God I wish I had that kind of relationship with my housemate, but I’ve decided to move out, I need a change plus I’m not feeling North Melbourne, I’m seeing a place in St. Kilda tomorrow” I feel like I am about to burst into tears yet contain myself

“well your always welcome to be my housie’ she smirks finishing off her meal

“thanks Celine”

“Another coffee? I’ll make it for you, I’m a fab barista

“Yes please” I chirp

“A Soy Latte isn’t it?”

“Yep” I smile as she leaves to make coffee, taking her plate with her

I suddenly burst into tears and I can’t stop myself

“Oh God, are you ok?” Celine sits back down

“I’m such a dickhead, I’m crying in public” I blubber

2011 Sydney, Darlinghurst Victoria street. Monkey Mya

“Hi” I say M sits down

“Hi” he replies back as he sits down

“So how was Melbourne” I ask coldly

“good, actually"

“you look relaxed then again you always do look so chipper when you come back

he smirks

the waitress comes over “What can I get you gents ?”

“can I get the Margaret river rose please” I respond

M quickly glances through the menu and orders a Cab sav from mudgee

Be right back the waitress smiles back

“and how are you?”

"I’m fine" I smile back


‘well, you look nice” he speaks

“thanks”, I avoid his eyes

Both of us stay silent, M seems calm and composed and it is driving me mental!

“and your mum, is she ok?” I ask again, if he is going to play this game then so will I, bastard!

she’s fine, thanks for asking

“and yours”

“well, alive” I smile

Here you go guys the waitress, as she brings over our glasses

“thank you” we both acknowledge

The silence is irritating me, we both take a sip from our glasses and then I light another cigarette.

‘just to let you know, I’m a few up on you, I’ve had a couple of drinks after work’

“I gathered, I’m glad you did’ I smile

“so …..” he says

“what are you doing M?” I ask

“what do you mean?”

“it’s like we’re strangers, can we cut the bullshit formalities?”

“you started it”

“what do you want to do? Do you want to move out?”

“I don’t know X, look we said some things we can’t take back, we were mean, truthful and vicious’

“and they can’t be taken back but I think they were needed to be said”

“look its hard, but it’s always been hard”

he takes a sip of his wine whilst I inhale again

“I don’t want you to go, I didn’t mean it, I was angry and being vindictive, more so than usual

he smiles “it was pretty nasty stuff, I can’t be in a situation where I am homeless, I am 30, I am a 30 yr old man”

“I know, I am mortified I made that threat honestly, I am” I look at him at his beautiful blue eyes

‘I know baby, look, I said things, nasty things too

M, you know I love you and that makes me crazy, a good crazy but it can go nasty

“god, do I know it” he laughs

“is everything in Melbourne alright, honestly, I really mean it?

Its ok, mum is doing her own thing and well kyles and sheena they are doing well and luke well, he’s luke you know that his relationship with mum is pretty bad

"I’m sorry"

I know

"What about your girlfriend, honestly no judgement, no bitchness, is she well?" i ask

M always looks uncomfortabl e when I enquire, he looks pained

“well, it wasn’t easy, it never is, she’s in one place in her life and so am I plus we are living in different places, it’s hard"

"but then never stopped us" I butt in

"but she’s not you and the relationship is different"

"I know"

"But it was nice to see her, no?"

"It was, it was her birthday so I took her to a spa"

“You’re a good boyfriend, well done” I smile

“But things aren’t great,” he blurts out

"I’m sorry but I know it isn’t about me but have I caused a rift ?"

"You know you have, you affect me, it affects me and of course it will affect her"

"Look M, you have accused me of competing and trying to take you away from her, and I have, lets be honest but you would stop me if you didn’t?"

Silence, the words were only true, He looks at me, and I look back and we both smirk, polishing off our wines. Fuck me gently with a chainsaw, Heather, I think to myself.


I went up in summer, skipping my classes to surprise M for his birthday, all was set and he finally came home after hours of slaving away with Leda and unfortunately Janette. It felt like my surprise for M was being taking or being consumed by her. Then again it was always coming, the end of us was coming to a close I couldn’t offer what M wanted then again I didn’t know what he wanted from me and I was pressing him for something that couldn’t give me, it wasn’t his lack of want it was something that just wasn’t there. He wasn’t in love me, he loved me and it was always there that fact. M came home and to his surprise he was somewhat overjoyed with his surprise and myself being there. Janette, Francesca, Leda and myself, though it was meant to be our night, I had to share him but then again we all loved him in our own individual way. Francesca his other German housemate from Bavaria had also a crush on M and was never pleased whenever I came around, though by the end we actually became close friends. The night proceeded with loads of alcohol, conversation and food. By the end of the night Leda and Francesca had gone to bed, and myself , M and Janette wer

© Copyright 2018 Bernard Butler. All rights reserved.

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