Blessing in Disguise

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Memoir  |  House: Booksie Classic
My story of my abortion and where it has brought me.

Submitted: April 12, 2011

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Submitted: April 12, 2011

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Blessing in Disguise
Written by: Bessie Lee (Buege) James
Date: April 6, 2011
Editied: September 15, 2014
July 24, 2004 will be a date that I will remember the rest of my life. This day I woke up feeling like a gutted fish with the thought in mind, what have I done? On this day, I , Bessie, did something I never thought I would do. I had an abortion.
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Let me start from the beginning and bring you to this point. My mom left when I was 4 years old. I felt abandoned. To this day, I still don't know why she left. When I was in grade school, my fifth grade teacher was a bold witness with his faith in God. Every day he read his Bible during planning period and spoke of God during class. He even went as far to tell us that Halloween is a demonic holiday and that he does not hand out candy; instead, handing out encouraging Bible scriptures. This sparked something in me to find out who God and Jesus were.
In the eighth grade, I became involved with FCA - Fellowship of Christian Athletes - and my interest and hunger grew fonder. In high school, I found Jesus! After numerous FCA meetings, Bible studies, and going to church in the summer of 2000, I gave my heart to Jesus. From then on, I had a desire to know Jesus more. My standards were set high and I no longer felt abandoned. I knew that God would never leave me nor forsake me. That is, until my grandfather died.
When Papa (as I called him) passed away, I felt as if my whole world came to a screeching halt. He was my hero and my rock. My thoughts were clouded, thinking what am I to do now? Instead of turning to God for strength and peace, I turned my back on Him. Cursing Him and asking why did He have to take Papa away from me. I had turned my back on God.
From that moment on, I kept having sex with my boyfriend (my first "love") at the time. The relationship was pretty volatile. One day he was wonderful and the next day someone totally different. There were several instances through the relationship where it got physical. I was too afraid to leave him because I loved him and thought that he would change. The verbal and physical abuse continued. He didn't change and began dating other people. I couldn't bear to date anyone, hoping that one day we would or could be together. On July 16, 2004, I found out that I was pregnant.
I was devastated! I thought that I would have been happy to find out that I was going to have a baby. I wasn't though. I felt sad, nervous, overwhelmed, and scared. I didn't know what to do! All that ran through my mind is I cannot keep this baby. The next day, I told my un-born child's father that I was going to have an abortion. I found someone to fund me having this procedure done. I called the clinic and made the appointment. The baby's father did not want me to have this done, but at this point, I didn't care what anyone thought…not even God.
It was 7am on that chilly summer morning. I was scared and taken back by the number of protesters in front of the clinic. I was then approached by a man who got in my face saying, "You are going straight to Hell for what you are about to do! God will never forgive you for taking an innocent life."
I replied, "My Bible says that God is a forgiving God. And what I am about to do is not between me and you but between me and the good Lord above!" That man just added more fuel to my fire to get the procedure done and over with.
As I sat there in the office waiting for what was going to happen next, I talked with one woman that was on her fourth abortion. All I was thinking was, lady keep your legs closed or get on some kind of birth control. But who was I to even think that knowing I was getting ready to do the same thing. As I looked across the office, I saw a young girl. She could not have been no more than 16 with her mom there. The look on her mom's face expressed great pain and sorrow. I overheard her ask the young girl, "Are you sure?" And without missing a beat her daughter said, "Mom, I made an adult decision to make a baby and making the decision to end this now. I can't have a baby now!"
I continued to think, what am I doing here, and then re-thought, I have to do this. I can’t bring a baby into this environment. Everything leading up to the procedure is a blur. The only thing that sticks out in my mind leading up to the procedure was the ultrasound. I asked the nurse to see it. She had asked if I was sure that I wanted her to show me and I had told her yes. It still didn't faze me and I remember telling my unborn child that I was sorry.
After that, everything was cloudy. I don’t remember anything before waking up in the most uncomfortable chair. I was sitting straight up in a recliner chair in the most extreme pain a person could ever imagine. I felt like someone had reached inside my stomach and stripped out every organ in the lower half of me. I felt like a gutless fish. At that point, I wanted to fall back to sleep with more anesthesia and never wake up. I wanted to die and remembered thinking, what did I do? I want my baby back! But it was too late.
The next 3 1/2 years of my life was a living Hell. I didn't care about myself or anything about me. In that time period, I had sex with anyone that had an interest in me. I was going out every weekend drinking and wearing "showy" clothes, and just plain did not care. My grandmother had no idea why I was acting this way. I had kept this secret from my family and friends. I reached a point where I couldn't kept this a secret anymore. It was eating me alive that I had not talked about what happened. After about a year and a half, I finally told my grandmother and dad what I did. I felt more ashamed to tell them I had an abortion than I was to tell them that I was pregnant.
Even though I felt a big weight lifted off my chest after telling my grandma and dad my secret, things just still didn't feel right. Anytime I heard anyone talk about abortions, I didn't want to hear anything about it and I cringed every time that word was said. Little did I know then, it was God telling me that I can't hide from Him.
In 2008, before turning 24, God came to me in my heart when I was drunk at home and alone. I cried out to Him wanting to know why my life wasn't going right and how I could fix it. God told me that I was to forgive those that wronged me and that I was to ask forgiveness from those that I did wrong. I knew what I had to do. I asked God to forgive me for having the abortion and asked if He could bless me later down the road with another baby. I was ready to find my husband that God had set out for me. Little did I know, I would meet him through an ex-boyfriend.
Kennny and I have been together since May 8. 2009 and were married on December 26, 2010. I am so thankful that God sent this man to me. He is a wonderful husband and father of our two children, Olivia who is 4 and Elyssa who is a year and a half.
Through everything I have been through, God never left me. Instead, He dropped a life line telling me to grab and hold on. On October 17, 2010, I rededicated myself and my life to God and have not looked back. I am more on fire for Jesus than I ever have been. God has truly blessed my life with the good, bad and ugly. And I know more of His blessings are yet to come. God blessed me to write this part of my story so that it may bless someone else.


© Copyright 2019 Bessie James. All rights reserved.

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