The Puzzle

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

This is not a cry for help or a plea for attention. This is my public address to the monster.

She spends her days taking care of everyone else in the room being sure to avoid the monster she sees staring at her in the mirror. She wants nothing more than to go unnoticed as she solves other’s puzzles while leaving the pieces of her own on the table. She puts together thousands of pieces for everyone else throughout the week, yet she continues to break her pieces into smaller and smaller pieces until they are almost completely unrecognizable, unfixable. There are people who try to connect her pieces; they figure out a few, but they always leave before they finish it. She knows that she can’t blame them, especially because she never blanently asked them to help her with the puzzle. She still wishes they would put a few more pieces together before they go. 

She hides behind helping others as it is the most selfless-selfishness there is. She tells others the words she longs to hear and longs to believe that the testimonies people repeat about her will one day come true. She wants nothing more than to be able to help herself, yet every time she tells someone the best option for them that she can think of, that monster in the mirror comes behind her again and reminds her of the failure she truly is. She hides behind others because it is easier than admitting that she is desperate for the help that she knows she needs and that she is living in a lie of her own failures. She preaches about self-love and kindness to oneself, but she sits in her bed every morning and every night and tells herself that she does not deserve to wake up. How is it fair that she has taken a million breaths that she does not want, while there are people who want nothing more than to stay alive who do not get their wish? 

She does not want to die; she really doesn’t. All she wants is for the monster to go away. He went away for what felt like an eternity and she was finally able to look at her own reflection. Somehow, he came back. He took the puzzle that had taken her years to put together, and threw it to the ground, leaving it in shambles. He reminded her of all of her fears of failure and proved to her that she was already there. She was never going to reach the future that she had always been living to achieve. She already received all of the love that she was ever going to get from a man and she was reminded that he was the only thing that would ever love her. Her heart was too big and too easily broken, it was his responsibility to not let her be broken again. He had to remind her that was unworthy of love and unworthy of the breaths that she was stealing. If she wanted to continue, the only love and breaths that she could have had to come from the monster. He had to grant them to her and she had to prove that she was worthy of the breaths.

Deep down she knew her worthiness. There had to be a few pieces of the puzzle that didn’t break apart because as much as she wants the monster to be gone, she knows that she has to get rid of him the right way. She has to be brave and fight the monster with every ounce of strength that she has left. The issue is that the strength comes and goes in waves that are much smaller than the waves that engulf her with pain. She feels temporary strength when she is able to navigate herself through someone else’s problem and come to a solution that they are satisfied with. The strength is almost instantly taken away from her when she realizes the fraud she is continuously committing. She is attempting to give someone else clarity while she is hiding behind the blurriness of her own altercations. She took on the role of a person who is supposed to be strong and put together and now she is stuck trying to play the part when has absolutely no lines to follow. Every single time she has to debrief about she lines she ran through the previous week, she is reminded of how fraudulent she truly has become. 

She continuously contemplates being brutally honest with others around her, including everyone who her fraud effects, yet every time that she has the opportunity, the monster appears to remind her of everything she would be giving up. She realizes that she could use her debriefing to pose the questions that she wants to ask. If she is going to be fraudulent, she might as well use it to her advantage. The monster comes back to remind her that everyone would see right through her. They would know that she was talking about herself and they would realize how much of a fraud that she was while catching her right in the act. She fucking hates the reminders. 

The monster comes to remind her of her pain throughout the day as he presses on her scar to remind her where the sixteen stitches were two years ago. He reminds her that every single person who has wanted to touch her since has seen the scar and asked about it. He reminds her of the pain every time she thinks about putting the blade to her body over and over again. His reminders can prevent the worse from happening, which is exactly why she has learned to trust him. She has to trust him because there is absolutely no one else that she can trust. No one will be brutally honest with her. No one will remind her of the horror that is caused in the world. No one will remind her of her fraud. 

She doesn’t want to die. She doesn’t want the pain. She’s full of “I don’t wants”, yet she has no fucking clue how to tell people exactly what she wants. She spends her sleepless nights trying to figure out how the fuck that she can express to anyone how deeply unhappy she feels without receiving imminent pity and worry. She wants wants someone to listen and not tell her that everything is going to be okay or try to tell her how she can fix it. She wants someone to admit to her all of the things that the monster keeps telling her. She does not want the worry. She She cares about herself. She is full of hope. The hope is in the broken puzzle. The hope is all of the pieces scattered on the table. She knows the puzzle can be solved. It has been solved once before and she will put all the pieces back together again. She just needs the time to do it.


Submitted: September 17, 2019

© Copyright 2022 bhgilner. All rights reserved.

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