Who's Gonna Save the World?

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
A highly intelligent and reclusive inventor has the world dancing to his tune. Until the military shows up and insists he must save the world. At first he declines, but eventually agrees, as he is the world's only hope. He is forced to grow emotionally, and finally start to treat his friends and neighbors on equal terms. Including his secretary who normally asks him out at least four times a week. How far can he grow? The story is based in the Mid West in a small farming community.

Submitted: December 08, 2011

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Submitted: December 08, 2011

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Ed Leaks -Good morning Inkton South Dakota!  Wait oh no I missed my appointment. This self winding watch cost me a fortune. (Shakes hand up and down)

 

Leo-Well just maybe that clocks’ a running a little fast (every one laughs), and be careful there, you could permanently hurt yourself, if you know what I mean.

 

Tom Henry -Don’t worry young fellow, you have plenty of time to make your ten thirty appointment.

Now don’t you have a food order to place?

 

Ed Leaks -Hey how did you know……? Well never mind. Who’s the head chef around here?

 

Billy Ink-Hey Leo, did you hear that? You’ve been promoted to head chef.

 

Leo-All right, calm down, if every one doesn’t mind I’d like to take this gentleman’s order. Now what flavor pancakes can I make up for you.

 

Ed Leaks -As a matter of fact, that’s exactly what I need. A tall stack of apple pancakes…

 

Leo-With maybe, five strips of bacon, wheat toast, and a large glass of orange juice?

 

Ed Leaks -Now wait one minute, how did you know….

 

Leo-It’s the strangest thing, every morning a few minutes after ten, some one from out of town comes into the diner and orders a tall stack with bacon toast and orange juice. What’s really unusual is this has happened five days a week for almost seventeen years

 

(Laughter)

 

Ed Leaks -So what you’re telling me is that every one in the diner knows exactly why I’m here and why I’m in such a hurry.

 

Tom Henry -Well son, in a small town in the Mid West, we kina think it’s our god given right to know just about everything that goes on in our town. I’ll bet I even know what’s in your shirt pocket on that folded yellow slip of paper.

 

Ed Leaks -That’s impossible, how could you ever know….

 

Tom Henry -How about maybe a speeding violation ticket. Signed by police chief Bob Ink. The fine amount, let’s say about two hundred and forty dollars.

 

Ed Leaks -Okay, okay, I can see what’s going on. My name is Ed, Ed Leaks from Chicago it’s a real pleasure to meet such a fine group of people from the great state of South Dakota.

 

Tom Henry -Nice to meet you Ed. We were all wondering how long it was going to take you to realize that you were hog tied and branded just as soon as you entered Inkton. He’s okay Leo, get to work on his order. Now sit down over here and let me show you some pictures of my grandkids.

 

Billy Ink -Wait, isn’t that (every one runs to the window except Ed Leaks)

 

Leo-It is, the UPS truck is here, I sure hope he’s got em today.

 

Tom Henry -Sounds like he’s loading something real heavy on his hand truck, here he comes, are they, yes they’re here. (Every one cheers)

 

UPS Driver -Only in Inkton do I get such a warm welcome. Here you go Leo, all four hundred copies of the Farmers Almanac, hot off the presses.

 

Tom Henry -Okay, get to yearly rain fall for the Mid-West region. (Every one flips through the pages)

 

Every one-Above Average precipitation (every one cheers and celebrates)

 

Tom Henry -Sorry bout that Ed, well the weather is kind of important round here. Where were we now?

 

Ed Leaks -So you’ve been greeting out of town folks with your fast clock gag every morning for the last seventeen years?

 

Tom Henry -Actually we get three visitors every day, Monday through Friday. Morning, afternoon, and evening. All headed to the third story of the Inkton Arms, just as soon as their food is ready.

 

Ed Leaks -So all of you were pretty much waiting for me to arrive for your morning’s entertainment.

 

Billy Ink-It’s always entertaining, three shows a day rain or shine. It sure beats all those talk shows on TV.

 

Ed Leaks -Well I’m glad I could brighten up your day. I better keep my eye on the clock; lots of folks back home are counting on me bringing back the invention I’m here to buy. Without it we’re facing major layoffs. I just don’t know how I could face them if I missed my appointment.

 

Tom Henry -Don’t worry, only the people we don’t like are late for their appointments. The other day, this gentleman from Saint Louis started demanding that Leo cook his order immediately. He threatened to sue him and his whole family if his order was not started and completed exactly as he demanded. You remember that Mr. Long fellow Leo?

 

Leo-Yea, my productivity did not meet with his approval. I guess all the stress he put on me had the opposite effect than what he was aiming for. Hopefully he’ll remember that next time he starts ordering people around that he needs help from.

 

Ed Leaks -So when in Rome, is what you’re telling me?

 

(All) Exactly

 

Ed Leaks -Now this little boy looks just like his Grandfather.

 

Tom Hennery -Yea, he’s the apple of my eye. Ya know Ed; you seem like a pretty decent fellow, how about if I give you the full rundown of our ground rules, just so everything goes real smooth for you today.

 

Ed Leaks -Wow, you would have my heart felt gratitude, bye the way what’s your name.

 

Tom Henry -Just call me Tom. Now first of all, besides being on time, and having your pancakes, did you remember to bring the check for 1211.00?

 

Ed Leaks -I’m not even going to ask how you knew that.

 

Tom Hennery -You’re catching on. Well it’s real important once you enter the third floor office, that you call each of them by their full names.

 

Ed Leaks -Right. That’s Lucy Curtis and Bitwiddle Sidestep Quadrilateral.

 

Tom Hennery -Perfect, next both of them are going to appear very distracted. They might even occasionally act like you’re not even there. Just speak only when you’re spoken to, and try not to act surprised over anything.

 

Ed Leaks -Okay, basically expect loony bin conditions.

 

Tom Hennery -Ya know Ed, you really just might get through this ordeal with a minimum of broken bones. The last leg of your journey today will be the easiest. To leave town you have to first stop by the court house and visit with Judge Ink to pay your speeding fine. How much cash do you have on you?

 

Ed Leaks -About three hundred dollars.

 

Tom Hennery -That won’t be nearly enough. Stop by the cash machine at the Mobile station and get, at least six hundred more. There are just a few extra business expenses that you’ll have to deduct from your taxes on this trip.

 

Ed Leaks -I kina figured that there had to be some sort of catch. After all, I’ll probably make back this additional expenditure within the first two hours of full production after I install the new technology.

 

Tom Hennery -That’s the spirit Ed, see every one I told you he looked like a team player. Now first the parking at the court house will be fifty dollars. Take the space closest to the door. It’s what we call our first class visitors space.

 

Ed Leaks -Closest space, fifty dollars, got it.

 

Tom Hennery -Next, there will be several, local charities lining the walkway to the front door. Girl scouts, Church raffles and the like. If you miss even one of them, unexpectedly the Judge will be called away and you’ll have to spend the night in jail.

 

Ed Leaks -Okay, I’ll make sure they all get a generous donation. Is that all?

 

Tom Hennery -That’s it just pay your fine, and drive out of town.

 

Ed Leaks -Sounds like Inkton has been pretty inventive with their fundraising strategies. No matter, if I had been born here, I probably would have done the same.

 

Tom Hennery -Your food is almost ready, make sure you show your appreciation for your exemplimentay service.

 

Ed Leaks -Of course, lets see, here’s for waitresses, the busboy, the dishwasher, and of course the Head Chef deserves an extra special thank you.

 

Leo-Even if I do, make sure every one gets an extra special thank you. (Ever one cheers)

 

Ed Leaks -Well all I have is three hundred on me. Is that extra special enough?

 

Tom Hennery -Like I said before Ed, I could tell you were a good team player. Now take your food and run as fast as you can up to the third floor. Hurry now!

 

Ed Leaks -Thanks every one, bye.

 

(Every one runs to the windows and starts looking at their watches)

 

Billy Ink -Six seconds, he’s at the front door, not bad.

 

Leo-Wow he’s fast, we might have a new record today.

 

Tom Hennery -There he is on the second floor, go Ed go!

 

(Every one) Go Ed go!

 

BSQ-Well what do we have here?

 

(Every one) Awwww

 

Leo-Two second, just a little faster, and his name would have been put on the wall (points to record holder’s plaque)

 

Billy Ink -Now let’s take a closer look at the Almanac. How do they predict the weather again Tom?

 

Tom Hennery -Sun spot activity, you ask me that question every year. Try to remember next time.

 

Billy Ink -I’ll try Tom, I’ll try.

 

Chief Ink -You better, or I just might have to write my first ticket to a local resident for criminal stupidity.

 

Billy Ink -Come on now Bob…. I mean Police Chief Ink. Tell us how you caught him. We know you got em.

 

Chief Ink -Yea, I got him all right. Bottom of the hill as usual. Forty two miles per hour over the limit.

 

Leo-Did he try to talk his way out of it?

 

Chief Ink -No, just pleaded guilty, very humble. I don’t think we’re gonna have any trouble with this one, right Tom.

 

Tom Hennery -Not a lick, wish more of them would follow his example. Come on now and buy me a cup of coffee. We have three hours to kill until the next show.

 

Chief Ink -Of course, Leo a cup of coffee for my friend Tom, extra arsenic. (Laughter)

 

Tom Hennery -Wait a minute, did I tell him about the shoes? I sure hope I did, otherwise he’s in for a heap of trouble.

 

SCENE 2

 

Ed Leaks -Why yes, Mr…..I mean Bitwiddle Sidestep Quadrilateral. Ed Leaks on time with everything Lucy Curtis asked me to bring.

 

BSQ-Yes the bag, just slowly hand it to me. Everything else give to Lucy Curtis.

 

Ed Leaks -Here you…..

 

BSQ-Thank you! (Grabs the bag and runs into office)

 

Ed Leaks -I sure hope he won’t be staying in there too long. I was hopping to go over the specific details of installing this revolutionary vinyl extrusion process I’m buying today.

 

Lucy Curtis -He’ll be out in about fifteen minutes, but don’t worry, after you read this manual, I’m sure you won’t have any questions. (Hands manual)

 

Ed Leaks -Let’s see. Okay well what about, no that’s covered, well the maintenance schedule, well that’s over here, hmmm. Well I’ll be, that’s the most thoroughly written manual I’ve ever read.

 

Lucy Curtis -Well if you had a complaint, it would be our first one.

 

Ed Leaks =No, no, this will do it, very through; we’ll be up to speed in no time! Now on the phone you mentioned a contract I had to sign.

 

Lucy Curtis -On the bottom, press hard there’s three copies.

 

Ed Leaks -I usually have my lawyer read everything before I sign it, but with your bargain prices, and everything is in real plain English like you said, well here you are.

 

Lucy Curtis -All this paper says is that you agree that you will never disclose where you purchased this patent. The penalties are quite severe.

 

Ed Leaks -Mumms the word. I’ll take it to my grave.

 

Lucy Curtis -If the general public knew what we did, well let’s just say we like things staying just the way they are. Now you didn’t mention his sh….

 

BSQ-Well, Lucy Curtis, is everything in order? (First rubbing his belly, then putting his left foot on the table to make his shoes more noticeable)

 

Lucy Curtis -Yes everything filed and all questions answered (starts nudging towards his shoe to try to make him say something about it)

 

Ed Leaks -There is just one little thing I would like to discuss before I leave (both act relieved that he is going to mention the shoes finally)

 

Ed Leaks -They told me at the diner you have three people a day come up here, five days a week, is that correct? (Lucy acts frustrated he didn’t mention his shoes yet)

 

BSQ-That is correct, my system right over here, and you can see all my approved patents. I never let the total fall below fifty. Sixteen hours a day testing, researching and documenting my mechanical inventions, to make certain the total never falls below fifty. (Buffing his shoes very quickly)

 

(Lucy holds up a chalkboard that says” Say something about his shoes!”

 

Ed Leaks -And how do you find the time to keep your shoes so clean and polished?

 

BSQ-(Both Lucy and BSQ act very relieved) Well your shoes you can never really get them too shiny, now can you.

 

Ed Leaks -But yours, come on now, you must tell me your secret. After all look at my shoes, I’d do just about anything to get them even half as shiny as yours.

 

BSQ-Well it does take a lot of hard work, and I have modified some polishing equipment, would you like me to show you? (Lucy waves her hands as to say no, but Ed doesn’t see)

 

Ed Leaks -Oh yea, would I ever. (Lucy acts Frustrated)

 

BSQ-Take a look at this (Pulls out large buffing machine) had a special 220 line put in just so I wouldn’t throw a breaker every time.

 

Ed Leaks -How about the polish, I’ll bet you got something real special to get that high of a gloss.

 

BSQ-That’s right Ed, raw materials from every continent except Antarctica. I could sell the formula, but most people don’t want to spend $82.16 every time they polish their shoes.

 

Ed Leaks -The philistines (both laugh)

 

Ed Leaks -Well let’s see it in action. (Pointing his one foot forward) (Lucy waves hands but he still doesn’t notice)

 

Lucy Curtis -Ah, well, don’t we have those three patent applications you wanted to complete this morning?

 

BSQ-Lucy Curtis, please don’t interrupt me while I’m doing, ah, … research. As soon as we’re done this experiment we’ll get those applications right out. (Private fist pump with Ed)

 

Besides no one ever wanted me to shine their shoes before. I only started polishing them so I had something to talk about that was on a simplified scientific enough level for the customers to understand. I really thought every one would take an interest, but my buddy Ed here is the very first one. So let me be. (Ed and BSQ in dark, spot light on Lucy)

 

Lucy Curtis -Ever since kindergarten, every time, I wanted to play scientist, he was always ready with the perfect excuse. Well maybe when I begin my next project we’ll work together, if we start collaboration now, the data will be misplaced. Don’t worry, I’ll let you know when we can work on a project in the near future. Newsflash, that day never came. He has been in the middle of a project for the last twenty three years. I was hopping when he got his GED in fifth grade, and moved out of his house and into this office, we would finally spend some time together. When I showed up with fresh baked cookies to celebrate, he kept me waiting for five hours. My parents had to pick me up after I fell asleep with my head collapsed into the full plate. The next morning I found two chocolate chips in my right ear. Of course I was forbidden ever to set foot in his office ever again. After college I heard he had just fired his seventh secretary. With no one up for the challenge, I filled out my application. He would never get the best of me ever again. It took a few years, but I earned his trust with my work ethic. I’m still looking for some kind of opportunity, but if I even mention the subject of romance, he will deduct my pay for the wasted time. He has to give in eventually, doesn’t he?

 

BSQ-See you latter Ed, your shoes look great!

 

Lucy Curtis -So when is your new assistant starting?

 

BSQ-Lucy Curtis, Ed was just, well he was just showing an interest in what I’m doing that’s all. Most of the people who visit us just want to leave just as soon as they can. Start making two or three more million dollars each year more than they were making before. Ed on the other hand believes in family values. Look here he even gave me a picture of his family. Look doesn’t he have the greatest dog? Maybe I should start thinking about being a good family man like Ed. I just can’t get over how happy he looks with his dog

 

Lucy Curtis –So you’re saying, you would get married, and have children, only so you could have a dog?

 

BSQ- No, that’s not it at all. It’s just that, a dog, to be really happy, well he needs some one to look after him, and play with him, until I could get home from work. If I just left him tied up somewhere, well that would be cruel.

 

Lucy Curtis –And marring some one just to be a dog sitter, well do consider that to be cruel?

 

BSQ-Well I never said that would be the only reason for me to be married. My future bride would just have to under stand that was the most important reason. I’m sure my friend Ed spends lots of time with his wife and kids, to make sure every one is happy. After all if the two married people started fighting all the time just think of how that would upset the dog.

 

Lucy Curtis –Well I wish you all the luck finding a woman to fit the bill. Should I make a payroll deduction for the wasted time we spent talking about marriage?

 

BSQ-No, not this once. This time has been very stress relieving for me. Just imagine me as a dog owner. I’m sure I would be a helpful and loving husband, yes every one would be very happy. (Walks out, into his office)

 

Lucy Curtis –Well maybe he’s making some progress, just a little bit.

 

SCENE 3

 

Loud car sound and every one sitting falls off their chairs, then runs to the window.

 

Leo- Tarnation! Who could that be? A whole convoy headed this way.

 

Billy Ink- There’s two of em. Don’t worry, here comes Uncle Bob, in hot pursuit.

 

Tom Henry- That’ll slow them down, wait I think they’re speeding up.

 

Loud sound of cars driving past diner.

 

Every one- They drove right past the diner!

 

Billy Ink - The world is going to end! (Then faints)

 

Sound of police car driving by followed by sounds of screeching tires.

 

Tom Henry- Calm down every on, our Police Chief has them now for sure.

 

Chief Ink - (Loudly off stage) Don’t worry every one, I got em, I got em

 

Tom Henry- Now they’ll gonna get it. We might see four tickets for over one thousand each written this morning.

 

Mable- I’d give em five years each for the way they drove into our town. Some one could have been hurt. Another thing…. Wait Bob’s getting back into his car.

 

Billy Ink- (crawling) Nooooo, come back, come back.

 

Leo- Well I’ll be, never thought I’d see the day that man would back down. What are we gonna do now Tom?

 

Tom Henry- Follow me boys! (get up and walks off stage, followed by every one else, then says from off stage), You’ve got a lot of nerve driving into our town like that!

 

Gen. Harrison- (Backs every one into the diner, pointing each one to a seat, when he comes to Tom he at first doesn’t sit down, then the General blows hard, then Tom sits down.)

 

Billy Ink - You’re gonna get it now! (Runs at the General with an oversized plastic child’s bat, but is stopped in his tracks with an intense stare from the General, then he faints again.)

 

Gen. Harrison- Clears his throat, straightens his jacket, and then leaves with a triumphant stride.

 

Mable- (running to Billy), Are you okay, why if he hurt you.

 

Billy Ink - I’m okay, he just got in a lucky punch.

 

Leo- Should I go get my shotgun Tom?

 

Tom Henry- No, we’re not gonna take the law into our own hands. Let’s sit this one out for a spell. Then maybe once they get what they came for they’ll leave.

 

Mable- They’re heading for The Inkton Arms.

 

(Sound of three people climbing the steps in perfect unison)

 

Leo- They’re headed up to the third floor with out an appointment. (every one runs to the window) Oh yea, now we got em for sure. Bitwiddle Sidestep Quadrilateral doesn’t back down to nobody!

 

Scene 4

 

(Knocking)

 

Captain Fuller- Is any one, oh there you are.

 

Lucy Curtis- AAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (Faints sprawled on floor)

 

General Harrison-What did you say to the poor girl?

 

Captain Fuller- Nothing, I mean I just said,” there you are”, that’s all.

 

General Harrison- Well some one get her a glass of water. (Kneels down) Do you think I should start with mouth to mouth? (gets close to her mouth)

 

Lucy Curtis- (As she wakes up, she makes sure she avoids the General) Ooooh, what happened, that’s right they didn’t have an appointment, without an appointment, you must leave, right now, this is just not allowed.

General Harrison- Help her up, for heavens sake.

 

Captain Fuller- There you go, take this and sip slowly (lifts her up and hands her water).

 

General- Well I apologize for not having an appointment, it is however of the upmost importance that I see Mr. Quadrilateral as soon as possible.

 

Lucy- ( she holds her ears and acts as if he said a vile word then hands him a peace of paper )

 

General - Let’s see, office rules, I’m sure we can dispense with a small breach in protocol, after all I’m here on a matter of National Security.

 

Lucy- (Shakes her head no, and points toward the paper)

 

General – Well now what do we have here, Captain Fuller (loud with authority)

 

Cpt. Fuller – Yes Sir!

 

General – I seem to have left my reading glasses back at the base. If you would dispense with these, formalities.

 

Cpt. Fuller – Of course, let’s see, rule number one. All appointments must be scheduled with Lucy Curtis. In the event of tardiness, your appointment will be cancelled and you will be permanently forbidden future consideration. Not under any circumstances will appointments be scheduled after your arrival.

 

General – Well like we explained before, well you just have to make an exception.

 

Lucy - (shakes head quicker than before and points back to paper)

 

Cpt. Fuller – Okay, rule number two, should any one arrive at the office without an appointment, and Lucy Curtis is required to faint for dramatic effect.

 

General – (low growl directed at Lucy Curtis)

 

Cpt. Fuller – Finally, the last one, rule number three, should any uninvited guest not leave the office ten seconds after reading the office rules, they will never be granted an appointment even if it was a matter of National Security.

 

Lucy Curtis – (pulls out a stop watch and clicks it on) GO!

 

General – If you think you can intimidate a four star General this way; I’ll have a whole division of tanks here ……

 

Lucy Curtis – STOP! Leave the office and never return.

 

General – If you think, even for one minute young lady, that your office rules will in any way sway me from my duty; let me explain one little thing about rules. I make them! It would only take me one ten minute phone call to have you either deported or sent to Federal prison for life as a traitor. Furtermore ……. (Starts to breathe heavy)

 

Cpt. Fuller – Ah, General, remember your blood pressure. Just a suggestion, wouldn’t it be, a little more productive, to just open the door on the other side of the room?  (points to door) It’s the only place he could be hiding.

 

General – Ah yes, that’s the spirit. We’ll get all your personal details on the way out young lady. I promise you have not heard the last of this matter. (straightens his coat and clears his throat)

 

Lucy Curtis – Mmmmm (gets back to work completely ignoring the threat.

 

Cpt. Fuller – Private Barnes, make sure Miss Curtis does not leave the building.

 

Private Barnes – Yes Sir!

 

General – (Enters office with Cpt. Fuller, then holds out his hand) Good morning Mr. Quadrilateral (wincing sound from Lucy in other office) (General looks towards the sound then back to his greeting) Ah, well, I have come here today in a matter of National Security.

 

BSQ – I know if I can increase the rpm’s on this commercial dryer, the efficiency would go through the roof. (Completely ignoring his visitors)

 

General – Look here sir, you will give me your full attention, and you will give it to me this very moment!

 

BSQ – THAT’S IT !!!!!  ( Pushes both military visitors out of the way and gets a small gear out of his filing cabinet ) It was so obvious, I can reduce the friction on the driveshaft to increase the speed. I did it again Lucy Curtis!

 

Lucy Curtis – Good job boss! ( Gets up and rings a loud bell )

 

General – ( Takes off hat and scratches head, then returns hat ) Now I am going to state my case calmly and quietly…..

 

Lucy Curtis – ( Walks in from other office ) Here’s your mail at exactly 11:45, and will you take me out for a romantic dinner this Friday night?

 

BSQ – Lucy Curtis, how many times do I have to remind you that pure science is my only passion. Deduct twelve dollars and forty two cents from your paycheck for this inefficient waist of time.

 

Lucy Curtis – I can’t help it. You’re sitting in here with your freshly pressed suit and shinny shoes, with new ideas just jumping out of your head all the time. It makes me…. Have a volatile increase in moisture level percentages. With everything you know, don’t you know what to do with a secretary with a volatile increase in moisture level percentages? Doesn’t anyone know what to do with a secretary with a volatile increase in moisture level percentages?

 

Private Barnes – Well mam I get off at ……

 

Lucy Curtis – I meant him, you idiot. It was a rhetorical question ( shakes private Barnes while saying ).

 

BSQ – Well, thank you for delivering the mail promptly, and increase your paycheck deduction to twenty dollars and two cents.

 

General – First of all the EPA needs to do through testing of your water supply. We may be looking at the worst contamination in the industrial age. Secondly, I think we might have to mobilize an entire division of mental health professionals to aid in the recovery effort.

 

BSQ – Just look at my shoes. I’m ashamed to admit it’s been almost a full two hours since their last high speed buffing. ( Starts buffing )

 

Lucy Curtis – Boy, your boss could use some people skills. (from outside office)

 

Private Barnes – The stories I could tell you, that is if they weren’t classified.

 

Lucy Curtis – Besides not having an appointment, there’s one thing that will make my boss ignore every word sent his way.

 

Private Barnes – And that would be?

 

Lucy Curtis – He absolutely insists on being addressed by his full name, otherwise, actually it’s almost like he turns his ears off.

 

Private Barnes – ( Quickly runs into the other office, and whispers into the Generals ear )

 

General – Well Bitwiddle Sidestep Quadrilateral, ( BSQ looks at him ) let’s try to put aside our ego’s for just one minute, and consider the greater good. Can we call a truce ( Holds out hand again ). After all, I’m sure if I attempt to manipulate you into helping us, you could probably easily counteract any such plan without much effort. So, could you see your way fit to bending your rules, just this once, please (says in a shaky voice)

BDQ – Now where did I put my shoe polish……

 

General – THAT’S IT, THAT’S IT !! Okay you want to play hardball, trust me when I say, you’re looking at the world champion. There’s a good reason that I was sent on this mission. Even though you’ve tried your best to stay hidden in this small hick town, we have a file on you four inches thick. That’s right you’ve been watched for a long time. Whatever the reason is for you seclusion, I really don’t care. I’m here to enlist your full cooperation in a very time sensitive project, by whatever means I deem necessary. Do you know what that means? Let’s go down the long list of all the persuationary tactics at my disposal. First….( Voice starts to sound high and pitchy from loosing his voice ) ( Turns to Cpt. Fuller and in a high voice )  Take over. ( Quickly walks toward exit door )

 

Lucy Curtis – Have a nice day General Harrison

 

General – ( Clears throat very loudly then leaves )

 

Cpt. Fuller – What you just did to a man who has dedicated his whole life to the service of the community, is the obvious work of an immature delusional self centered child. It does not make me angry though. As a matter of fact I never get angry, I do however get even with people who piss me off. Sometimes a little more than even for people who almost get me angry, and right now you are in that category. So let’s go over the list of difficulties you and the resident of Inkton will have to endure solely because of your actions here today. First all electrical service will be terminated as of 12:00 midnight. Inkton will be placed under Marshall law. Any attempt to leave the city limits will be limited to emergencies only. All deliveries will be turned away, and all modes of outside communication will be confiscated. The best I saved for last. In the morning there will be an invasion by sixty or so IRS agents. They will audit the entire town’s population, for let’s say the last six years. Trust me, they will find multiple breaches in the tax code. The delinquent taxes will be due immediately, or face stiff fines, imprisonment, or both. There is however one way to stop this onslaught against your peaceful existence. Give me and my team ten minutes of your time to discuss a matter that could save millions of lives. In other words I’m making you an offer you can’t refuse. ( Looks at his watch ) You have ten seconds to accept, your silence will mean that you will not comply, GO! ( After 10 sec. gets up and leaves followed by his assistant)

 

BSQ –  Lucy Curtis we can go over those patent applications now.

 

Lucy Curtis – ( In a very shaky voice ) Okay boss.

 

Scene 5

 

Leo – ( calling out the window ) What’s the matter Beatle Bailey? Couldn’t even handle one hick inventor?

 

Billy Ink – Let me at him. Come on Tom, help me find my bat.

 

Tom Henry – Now boys, lets not kick a dog while he’s down. Yes sir Bitwiddle Sidestep Quadrilateral is still the undefeated……. Wait here comes the other two and …..

 

Leo – I’ll say, well they don’t look so defeated, not at all.

 

Mable – They’re coming this way, Billy get your bat.

 

Billy Ink – I can’t fi-  here it is. Come on lil darling, we got some batting practice.

 

Cpt. Fuller – ( kicks open door loudly ) Well well well, what do we have here (stares at Billy and his bat )

 

Billy Ink – ( drops bat and kicks it away ) Like I said Mable, I can’t seem to find my bat.

 

Cpt. Fuller – Good people of Inkton, this is your lucky day. I was on my way back to the base with every intention of reducing your little town to a pile of rubble. You see that’s what happens to people who rub me the wrong way, and that’s exactly the way I was just rubbed up there ( points toward third story ). This day however I’m gonna give you a chance to convince your pig headed inventor friend to be a little bit more cooperative. Can I count on your support?

 

Billy Ink – (walks up to Cpt. Fuller, first slowly then with more confidence, stares him in the eye ), SCREW YOU!

 

Mable – ( first hugs Billy, then says ) Yea, screw you! (then starts kissing Billy)

 

Every one – Screw you, screw you, screw you, screw you! (chanting)

 

Cpt. Fuller – Just remember, I gave you a chance to end this peaceably (leaves)

 

Private Barnes – Ah sir, it’s…….(notices BSQ standing by the door)

 

Cpt. Fuller – I have nothing to say to him, or any one else in this town.(leaves with loud sound of a car peeling out)

 

Leo – Why, Bitwiddle Sidestep Quadrilateral, it’s a real honor to have you in my diner, you’re not upset over the way I’ve been cooking your food, just give the word and I’ll change it any way…..

 

BSQ – No Leo, the food has been first rate, every day on schedule, I appreciate your consistent effort. The reason I came down from my office for the first time in seventeen years was a voice from my past. Is Billy Ink around here anywhere?

 

Billy Ink – (first hides in a corner, then slowly walks towards BSQ) Yea I’m here, just tell me what I did wrong, and I’ll lock myself up in jail for twenty years.

 

BSQ – No Billy, that’s not it at all. I just remember back in fifth grade, well you were always playing the fool, the class clown seven days a week. Today however I could have sworn I heard you give old iron bridges a piece of your mind. Was that really you?

 

Billy Ink – Ya mean I’m not in trouble?

 

BSQ – On the contrary, I think you’re a hero. Now what was it again you told him?

 

Billy Ink – (quietly) screw you.

 

BSQ – Come on now, say it with some Inkton pride!

 

Billy Ink – SCREW YOU! (every one cheers)

 

BSQ – Well the reason I came down from my office for the first time in seventeen years, was to shake the hand of my friend. (shakes his hand) OW! I think you broke my hand.

 

Billy Ink – I’m so sorry…wait a minute, you’re just kidding me, right.

 

BSQ – That’s right Billy, but you’re too smart for me. (the two briefly hug and high five each other) Now I might just call on you to help me out every now and then, I mean on my most difficult projects.

 

Billy Ink – Any time, rain or shine, I’ll be there.

 

Mable – (light kiss on BSQ’s cheek) Thank you, tha…..(starts crying)

 

BSQ – Well I have to get back to work now, but you never know, I just might come down again, I mean at least before the next seventeen years. (every one laughs and says goodbyes) Yes today has been a good day.

 

Lucy Curtis – Yes a very good day, I’ll be up in a minute. Be careful on the steps.

 

Tom Henry – Bitwiddle Sidestep Quadrilateral, could you give me a minute

 

BSQ – Why sure Tom Henry, what’s on your mind?

 

Tom Henry – Please sit down.

 

BSQ – Sure (uneasy)

 

Tom Henry – You know me and your dad were best friends.

 

BSQ – I hope this isn’t going to turn into a sermon (stands up quickly)

 

Tom Henry – Now just sit down for a little while. I know you have your own ideas on how you want to live your life, but you have to understand, well it’s just impossible to know everything. Now please just sit down. There’s something I swore to your dad that I would tell you, well on the day you stop acting like such a horses' ass, and I’m thinking that today is that day. So now will you give me just a little bit of your time?

 

BSQ – Only because you were my dad’s best friend, okay let’s have it. (sits down again)

 

Tom Henry – You never knew your Grandfather George.

 

BSQ – Just by a few photos around the house.

 

Tom Henry – Well if you ever want to meet him, just look in the mirror. There’s a reason your dad never talked about him. Just full of ideas on how to start, what did he call it, the new renaissance, yea that was it. He started taking more and more trips to New York, and Los Angeles, and all over, it just put the whole town in a spin keeping up with what he was doing next. Well that’s not what your dad asked me to tell you, that’s just a history lesson. What Joe told me on his death bed was, that if you are ever lucky enough to find a good woman, and blessed with children, Joe said to always put them first. What ever you want to do for a profession is fine, as long as you put family first.

 

BSQ – (slowly stands up, and puts his hand on Tom’s shoulder) Thanks Tom (goes out door)

 

Mable – (after a few seconds of silence) Lucy, is that man really gonna turn our whole town into a pile of rubble?

 

Lucy Curtis – Is that what he said? No Mable we’re not going to have bombs exploding on route ten any time soon. He did make a few other threats, which I think we have to take real seriously.

 

Every one – What, what did he say?

 

Lucy Curtis – Well first of all, we have to make sure every one has enough gasoline for their generators. As of midnight tonight, they’ll be no electricity.

 

Billy Ink – That dog, he’s lucky I couldn’t find my bat.

 

Mable – Now hush up Billy, what else Lucy?

 

Lucy Curtis – There’ll be no delivery trucks allowed into town for awhile. So spred the word to stock up on all essential supplies, enough for let’s say a week.

 

Every one – A week!

 

Lucy Curtis – That’s just to be sure. I’ll be working on a plan to rid us of these invaders permanently, but it could take some time.

 

Leo – Is that all?

 

Lucy Curtis – No, in the morning a whole army of IRS inspectors will be auditing every one’s taxes for the last six years.

 

Every one – Oh no, this is a disaster (big negative reaction)

 

Lucy Curtis – The good Captain has promised us that they will find some reason for additional tax revenue, which will be due immediately, or face heavy fines and jail time.

 

Mable – What are you waiting for Billy, go find that bat.

 

Lucy Curtis – Hold on there Billy, your bat can’t help with this problem, but don’t worry I do have a plan.

 

Every one – What?

 

Lucy Curtis – I’m going to call this plan, operation sleep over. We all have friends or relatives with large barns, just full of hay to sleep on out in the woods. I think it’s time we went and visited them for a spell. Once every one is relocated, we’ll kind of deconstruct the access roads so the auditors can’t join the sleep over. I know the Army will rebuild the roads in a few days, hopefully my main plan will have done the trick before they can even start.

 

Tom Henry – Now what is this main plan that now you’ve hinted twice about?

 

Lucy Curtis – It doesn’t take a four star General to figure out that we can’t win this battle, put off the inevitable is the best we can hope for. So let’s fast forward a couple of days. Every one will be in jail and Bitwiddle Sidestep Quadrilateral will never budge an inch. It won’t end there, what else will they do. Our history lessons teach us what happens when the military has total control of just about any situation; bottom line is that some one will get hurt. Now I know Susan Smith hasn’t talked to….

 

All – (muttering of, you can’t be serious, that will never work, they haven’t spoken in seventeen years).

 

Lucy Curtis – I just don’t see any other option. Start spreading the rest of our plan so you can buy me some time

 

Leo – Does that mean the town will be empty?

 

Lucy Curtis – No, but only people who are on Social Security, and haven’t filed taxes in the last six years will stay, every one else moves out. Leo bye the way could you do the town a big favor?

 

Leo – Anything, what do you need.

 

Lucy Curtis – What do you have the most of, I mean for a substantial dinner meal?

 

Leo – I guess, sausage and peppers, yea made it fresh this morning.

 

Lucy Curtis – Heat up as much as you can. With all this moving around no one will have time to cook dinner. We’ll all work better on a full stomach.

 

Leo – I’m on the job. (every one runs off stage except Leo who starts working with wreck less abandon).

 

Business man – Oh no I missed my appointment!

 

Leo – Listen buddy, I’m gonna give you this straight and fast so pay attention. We set the clock ahead just to mess with you, I already know what your order is and I’ve started it. Just as soon as your food is ready run up to the third floor, call them by their full names, and don’t forget to say something nice about their shoes. Oh, give me your speeding ticket. (Leo takes it, and rips it up) This is your lucky day. Do you have any questions?

 

Business man – Ahh, no, that all makes perfect since to me. (very shaky voice)

 

Scene 6

 

Lucy Curtis – It sure is a long walk from the road, Mrs. Smith, ah Susan are you home?

 

Bullet – Wooo, wooo, woooo

 

Lucy Curtis – Oh no, I was hopping you were tied up. Good boy be nice (runs off stage with Bullet chasing)

 

Susan Smith – Now, who is that there Bullet, are you after that Badger again. Oh my, be good right now, that’s Lucy Curtis, she is our friend!

 

Bullet –(Walks back on stage followed slowly by Lucy Curtis)

 

Lucy Curtis – Well boy is he ever a good guard dog, just look at him now, playful as a pup. He sure had me fooled. I was wondering if you had a few minutes….

 

Susan Smith – Now Lucy, my neighbor, Wilbur White is out tearing up our access road to town. He was told not to blab to me why you were coming, but, well, we have been scratching out a living milking cows for over fifty years, and secrets are not kept between us. Don’t you hold this against him now.

 

Lucy Curtis – I understand, half my family makes their living the same way. Neighbors have to rely on each other, through thick and thin.

 

Susan Smith – I’m glad you understand.

 

Lucy Curtis – Well, now that you know, can….

 

Susan Smith –  Lucy, before all that, why if we can’t share a cup of coffee first, and catch up on all the family gossip, well I’ll just have to sick Bullet on you again.

 

Lucy Curtis – Why yes, of course, oh my where are my manners, that would be lovely.

 

Susan Smith – As a matter of fact, I was doing my weekly churning this morning. Would you join me with some toast and fresh butter?

 

Lucy Curtis – Susan I do believe you can stop twisting my arm. Now what can I do to help?

 

Susan Smith – Why yes, if you could cut the bread, that would be a big help, my hands aren’t as steady as they used to be, and I have gotten used to five fingers on each hand.

 

Lucy Curtis – (looking at Bullet) Will your head of security be joining us?

 

Susan Smith – Oh yes, I almost forgot, make his slice double thick. That’s how you like it, right boy (pets bullet then he barks).

 

Lucy Curtis – I remember when I was young; every meal was like this, made by hand. Both my parents were raised on a farm, oh but you already knew that.

 

Susan Smith – Yea, when your dad first took on the mail delivery route, well a lot of folks thought you might not be raised, well old fashioned.

 

Lucy Curtis – Well we didn’t have a few hundred cows to milk twice a day, like most folks around here. There were always a few chickens and pigs to tend, and of course the garden in the back yard.

 

Susan Smith – How are your dad dealing with his mandatory retirement?

 

Lucy Curtis – That’s one good thing about being a farmer. The Federal Government isn’t gonna show up one morning and say you’re too old to grow crops or raise livestock.

 

Susan Smith – Well Lucy, I’m looking at the bottom of my cup, and my last bite of toast. Hopefully I’ll have the energy to hear what you have to say now. Give it to me straight, what has my stubborn pig headed son done?

 

Lucy Curtis – Well, he’s got some people real angry with him. Important people, people who know how to get their way. We’re dealing with high ranking Army personnel. They drove into town like they were invading us to begin with. Well your son took a real disliking to them from the start. Next they insisted we stop every thing and start working on some secret project. I honestly don’t know how he can, well, turn his ears off to what he doesn’t want to hear, but that’s what he did. He made them real mad, before they left some threats were made, threats that will affect every one.

 

Susan Smith – My Joe had the same ear dysfunction talent. All the Smith men have it. Once their mind is made up, well you would have more luck with a mule in a bad mood.

 

Lucy Curtis – The problem is that he has the whole town painted into a corner. I’m just afraid some one will get hurt.

 

Susan Smith – Well Lucy, I just don’t see what I can do to help. I mean he left home at ten years old, with the help of some shyster lawyers. Moved into the top floor of the Inkton Arms, with every intention of never coming down. Even when his father died, his secretary said it was because I asked him to come; using his “old” name was his excuse. I’m sorry, even before Joe died, we said that we would wait until he started showing signs of, at least trying to get along with his fellow human beings before we would attempt any sort of reconciliation, and from what you just told me, that day has not yet come.

 

Lucy Curtis – Susan, I can only imagine the pain you’ve been through. I’m not going to tell you that I know for sure the date will be when you will begin a normal relationship with your son.

 

Susan Smith – That’s good, because I was more than a little worried that you were here to paint a crooked picture.

 

Lucy Curtis – Tell you what, I just want to tell you of a few breakthroughs that might give you some hope that that day is closer than you think.

 

Susan Smith – I hope you’re talking about an honest to goodness parting of the Red Sea miracle.

 

Lucy Curtis – Susan, just yesterday he came down from his office, and no there wasn’t a fire like you might think.

 

Susan Smith – Well, definite progress, but that just isn’t even close….

 

Lucy Curtis – He came down to shake Billy Ink’s hand.

 

Susan Smith – What on earth could Billy have done to get my Jeffery down those steps?

 

Lucy Curtis – I wish you were there. You would have been so proud. This pompous Army captain started threading the whole town. He went too far when he actually tried to manipulate us into helping him. Well Billy stood toe to toe with this jerk, and, well, told him, that no one in Inkton will be helping him anytime soon.

 

Susan Smith – We’re talking about the same Billy Inc, Valerie’s’ boy. The same one that hasn’t been taken seriously his whole life.

 

Lucy Curtis – The whole town was just as shocked as you are right now.

 

Susan Smith – Well, I guess in a way that makes since.

 

Lucy Curtis – What do you mean?

 

Susan Smith – You know how they both were in grade school. Opposite ends of the spectrum, but neither of them really fit in.

 

Lucy Curtis – I remember, they got a little bit more of their share of bulling.

 

Susan Smith – Billy took it all in stride. In his own way, he found a way to fit in. Really only one thing upset him.

 

Lucy Curtis – I remember, boy if any one started picking on your son, well they got a good close-up view of Billy’s left fist soon afterwards. It was almost like he could tell that Jeff ah Bitw…

 

Susan Smith – Lucy, in this house his you will call him by his given name.

 

Lucy Curtis – Of course, well Billy could tell Jeff couldn’t defend himself. I really don’t think Billy understood that Jeff was so advanced achedemically. He just knew they were both on the bottom wrung of the ladder, so they should stick together.

 

Susan Smith – Remember when Tim Hooper was in traction for three months. The story was that a car accident put him there. Well the name of the car started with a B.

 

Lucy Curtis – I always wondered why every one stopped bullying Jeff right around the time Tom was hospitalized.

 

Susan Smith – Every one was sworn to secrecy. Bob Ink did make a point of warning the other boys to leave Jeff alone. Every one else was kept in the dark.

 

Lucy Curtis – Well that does explain their special connection, and yesterday’s breakthrough.

 

Susan Smith – Did he look, well happy?

 

Lucy Curtis – He did have a few rough moments, after his talk with Tom Henry.

 

Susan Smith – Tom was never one to mince words. What did he say that got our Thomas Alva Edison so upset?

 

Lucy Curtis – Well let’s put it this way, after their talk, I could swear he was real close to coming back, and I mean all the way back. He just needs that little spark to push him over the edge.

 

Susan Smith – I kina get the feeling you’re getting to the real meat and potatoes of why you’re here, finally.

 

Lucy Curtis – That’s right Susan, I need you to go to him. All you have to do is ask him what he discussed with Tom. I just know that will do it. It has to be done now, while he’s vonerable.

 

Susan Smith – Boy Lucy, I’m glad you’re on our side. What do you think Bullet, do you want to go to town (Wooof).  Okay, I’ll do it under one condition.

 

Lucy Curtis – You really have me over a barrel here. I guess I have to give you what ever you want.

 

Susan Smith – All I want is the answer to one question.

 

Lucy Curtis – Okay, ask away.

 

Susan Smith – It seems like only yesterday when you had the entire male population of our local High School, going in and out of the hospital, recovering from wounds having to do with fighting over you.

 

Lucy Curtis – Oh my Susan, if we’re going to have to talk about why teen age boys, well I might need another cup of coffee with something stronger than sugar in it.

 

Susan Smith – No that’s not it. It just always made me curious that with all those fellas chasing you, why would you put up with my Jeffery?

 

Lucy Curtis – It’s no secret that your son is not an easy man to work for. Try as I may, he has discouraged any attempts for anything beyond a professional relationship. The way I see it though, is, well the stronger the vault, the more valuable the treasure inside. With the few small insights he has shared with me over the years, well it keeps me searching for the key to his door.

 

Susan Smith – So, what you’re telling me, is that he is your Mt. Everest

Lucy Curtis – There is one other reason, I’m just crazy about Dairy Farmers.

 

Susan Smith – It’s been a real long time since he had his hands on an udder.

 

Lucy Curtis – I know, it’s how he goes about his day, so regimented. He takes great pride in keeping all his responsibilities. It, well, kina makes me feel safe, I mean real deep down safe.

 

Susan Smith – Yes Lucy, I know exactly what you mean. When Joe was done with the second milking, even just sitting in his favorite chair, it made me so proud (starts to cry)

 

Lucy Curtis – There there now, Joe was the best. I never heard one single bad word said against him.

 

Susan Smith – My, look at me, acting like a school girl. Now let’s see here, you gave me your answer, so let’s start heading toward town. I might need a little help saddling up some horses for the ride; and we have to make one stop on the way.

 

Lucy Curtis – Of course, where will we be stopping?

 

Susan Smith – Lookout Falls, I think I need to soak my feet for a spell. After all, if I’m going to have any chance at all to change the mind of my mule headed son, I’ll need all the energy I can muster.

 

Lucy Curtis – Yea, we have plenty of time. The Army won’t be rebuilding the roads any time soon.

 

Susan Smith – Let me get that apple pie I cooked yesterday. I think Bullet didn’t eat it all.

 

Lucy Curtis – Why Bullet, you bad boy. I can see that you are very spoiled, yes very spoiled indeed.

 

 

Scene 7

 

Private Barnes – Ah, excuse me mam, can I see some ID?

 

Susan Smith – (pretending not to hear well) What’s that, you want some tea. I’m here looking for George. He cut down the cherry tree. Have you scene him?

 

Private Barnes – No, I mean do you have your identification, with your picture on it.

 

Susan Smith – Picture, yea I have one (pulls out dollar bill), have you seen him?

 

Private Barnes – Never mind. (Walks off stage)

 

Susan Smith – They sure don’t make soldiers like they used to, eh Bullet (barks)

 

Retired man #1 – Susan Smith, how are you, come to town for a haircut?

 

Susan Smith – No, I came to town to talk some since into that jackass son of mine, why do you think I need one?

 

Retired man #2 – Well get up there then. Time’s awaistin

 

Susan Smith – Be a dear and look after Bullet for me. Here’s his leash, and he’s been fed, so no treats. Be good now, I’ll be back in a few minutes. (Barks).

 

Reti


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