It started about one and half year ago.
I was getting this strange feeling. I wasn't feeling the same way I used to feel before.
I was so close to a break down!!! Always scared of death!!!
Couldn't sleep well cuz I was frightened that death gonna kidnap me while I'm sleeping.
Thinking I am gonna die the next moment. The joy of life lost. Anxious. petrified my Hands always sweating
with no damn reason .
I was wondering if am the only one who feels that way .. or other
people do too .. if other ppl don't care.
Or do I care too much?
Always Depressed! and like those things were't enough ..after a while my hands started to shake like squirrels
It got worse. I was so embarrassed. I couldn't hold the spoon steady. Or the tray.
Even kids noticed that. People started to question me. What's wrong?
I was always tired and exhausted. Feeling like I am 90 years old.
I Lost the desire and energy to get involved in any activity .
I was feeling like my body is not my body anymore.
Mood swings. Most of the time crappy mood. Busting down in tears about anything. Couldn't handle the stress. I was feeling like am the left over. Third wheel. The forgotten bag.
I used to cry, shout, yell at silly things. I was trying to pick fights with anyone, used to hit my lil sister. Yell at my mom. AND SHE WAS NOT HELPING ME AT ALLI thought dude. Even a drunk man is more stable than you.
I knew there was something wrong with me! But actually I didn't had enough money at that time to get myself checked. My dad is filthy rich! But our relationship was like America and China. We don't talk to each other. I haven't eaten with him or my mom for years. I wonder why they call it family.
Let's go back to my main topic. So I didn't had money to see a doctor and that's when everyone around me became a doctor. I am laughing now when I remember this. One of my friends noticed that I go to the bathroom several times per day or more than ten times and after every meal. He also noticed the weight loss. I wasn't fat or even healthy before but I was't too slim. There was little meat over my bones. One of my friends noticed I had become like a skeleton. I was too skinny. So he asked me: "What's wrong?". I told him I don't know. This has been with me for a long time, I don't digest food. Every thing I eat, I extract it. I feel like I need to go to the bathroom every time after every meal. Always sick to my stomach. He told me:"Hey don't worry it's so simple - you have worms inside you." I thought that made sense cuz it's common here. So he told me to go to the pharmacy and ask for some pills or tablets that will cost you nothing. That's better than seeing a doctor. I got the pills without a prescription. I took them. And then I waited for results. The pharmacy guy told me that I will get diarrhea and then everything will be fine. He was too funny. When I asked him if these pills are strong so they are gonna kill all the worms inside of me, he said, if you don't watch out they will kill you too. So I had the diarrhea but I was always having diarrhea. But at that point I was so desperate so I didn't pay too much attention to that point. After two to three days I noticed that nothing had changed. Still having the same symptoms.
And I can't take the heat. Heat intolerance. Even on a cold night I have to at least turn on a fan.
Ppl used to wonder. What's wrong with him? My body was so weak. I couldn't skip a meal cuz I would feel like I am going to pass out. I was having this monster appetice. I could eat up to ten meals per day without gaining a pound. When I wake up in the morning I can't drag myself out of bed if I didn't have anything. At least sugar with water if I had nothing to eat. Sometimes I bring my cookies with me to bed so I can have them when I wake up.
I was so surprised that my friends can skip meals. They can eat one meal or sometimes they have nothing and they still function well. Unlike me. So I asked someone how long he can stay without food. He said he can stay for one day. I asked him if he had dinner yesterday. He said no because he came home late and was too sleepy. So I told him that it's now almost 12 o'clock lunch time and you just woke up so I will assume that you didn't have breakfast. He said yes. So I asked him how do you feel now? He said fine. I asked him don't you feel weak or like you are going to pass out? He said not. I told him that yesterday I had dinner and breakfast in the morning but I still feel weak. I am sure I can't skip meals like you can. If I do my body will start shaken badly and I will feel like am gonna pass out i will feel like there is no energy left inside of me.I will feel like I am 100 years old so even if I have no money I will mix sugar with water. He thought about it for a moment then he told me I may have diabetes. I told him I don't think so cuz I have read about diabetes. and i ran diabetes test and result was clean . So he suggested for me to eat dates before I go to bed and he told me for sure that was gonna make me feel stronger and better. I did what he told me but as usual nothing has changed.
At that point my life was so messed up. My family my friends poeple around me thought I am faking and imagining all these symptoms. They thought I was doing all that to attract attention. Like I care about their attention.
So I promised myself that whatever happens I will walk it alone. I will go through it alone. I will not tell i any one cuz it seems like they don't care. So I will suffer alone. i will suck up my pain and pour it out to some one who give a damn .
And at that point I have reached my limits. Always anxious and scared. and ill. It's already been almost 9 months. I don't remember exactly when I started feeling those symptoms.
So I started to watch medical shows like Doctor OZ and other doctors. That's were I messed up and
that was my biggest mistake. Instead of making me feel better they made me feel worse.
Yeah right, that was my biggest mistake, they just kept planting doubtS in my head! Just make me suspect things I don't have cause my whole system was so fucked up I couldn't tell what was screwing my body up. It was like a battle field inside me, but what was invading me? I kept watching medical shows, maybe they have the answers, maybe, I will finally get to know my enemy… But they JUST drove me insane, as I said, this disease chose to go tough on my whole body; it was like we playing hide and seek, so I had plenty of symptoms, first since my intestines weren't working probably, my stool was bloody I had to go to restroom several times, I saw in medical shows that could be a sign of colon cancer. It scared the black outta of me, my life just kept flashing before my eyes, I’m too young for that. Then the next day they made me think that I had Tuberculosis cause as I said I was shaking like squirrel and sweating like Horse... I couldn't breathe, probably I was full of fear and questions you may say you could just go to see a Doctor. Believe me folks, things aren’t easy, it's messed up where I live, after a long journey of fear, I got the money to see a doctor, I was as happy as a a kid who just got its Christmas present. I ran with haste, ideas were rushing through my mind, I wasn't scared about what the doctor was gonna find, I said even if it was HIV let it be, at least I’m finally gonna know what was wrong with me. I saw the doc, he ran a general test and the results came back so fine, I just couldn't believe it. I said, “doc it’s gotta be something wrong, come on, no matter what degree you got what medical school you went to, I ain't taking your word over my body, I’m the one who is in pain.” he said “okay fine, I’m gonna ask you a couple of questions and you have to answer and describe your symptoms correctly. What about your body temperature?” I said “hot like an Italian restaurant stove” he said “aha, what about your stomach?” I said “I pay the toilet a visit every hour, I think I’ve spent more time in there than I do in my own room” he said “mh-hm, What about the rest of your body?” I said “I’m so tired, like a hundred year old dude, can't walk a mile without feeling like car running out of fuel” he said nothing. He stretched his hand to grab weird pink applecation form that was lying next to him and ordered me to do a thyroid test. I said “what does thyroid has to do with this?” He stared at me as he were saying “zip it and do as I say” I went to the lab, they drew a sample and asked me to come back after a couple of hours. I came back and got my results, I was shocked when I saw it, you don't need to be a doctor to know your thyroid was doing all those dirty tricks. I walked into the doctor’s office and handed him the blood test results. He put on his glasses, took a look at the results, then looked back at me saying “wow you thyroid is not just hyper active, it's beyond hyper active, you’re sick with a hyper thyroid.” I know what's a thyroid but I didn't know that it has all that affect over our bodies, it screws us not just physically but mentally too. It's essential for every cell in our body and it’s involved in every metabolism. I was glad that I finally figured out what was wrong with me. I was ready for treatment, for my journey to recovery. I thought it will be easy like a flue or maybe if it's worst it will be like a chronic case of chicken pocks, after a week on medicine everything’s gonna be fine. i did't know it gonna last with me forever..The doctor wrote the prescription, it was a weird name, a med called Carbimazole. I couldn't find it anywhere near my home, they say it is a imported meds. I had to look hard till I found it. He told me to come after one month for another blood test to see if med start taking actions and my thyroid strat to normlize , I started reading about it and that's what shocked me, it's a kind of disease that’ll change your life forever. I started taking my meds regularly, after a long month, I went back to see the same doc, and without a blood test he decided to reduce my dose to two pills per day instead of three, and that was the decision that literally fucked up my life. After I started feeling fine, I collapsed again, all the symptoms I had were nothing compared to these. I experienced something new, my cardiac system! A heart palpitation, my heart was racing like a panic trapped rat. I couldn't stand the heat or heat intolerance, over anxious and scared, a shortness of breathing, my eyes bugged out like an Alien’s. I thought I was in a transition stage
I was wondering, if larvae have to go through all this pain to become a beautiful butterfly, cause, as they said: no pain; no gain, so, I’m going through all this pain to become what? My head was full of questions and doubts! I was confused,if this a test or punishment from God? What if what my hands committed have come back to bite me on the ass? At some points I was so weak and devastated, I was so close to a break down, I was asking myself, should I wack myself? Then, I stopped for moment saying, “naaaaah get back to your damn senses” .... I admit I’m not a fighter, so don't compare me to other . and poeple around me start to lecture me about the power of mind and how we can overcome our pain ... I was like now you admit I wasn't faking my pain and you start running your mouth, giving me tips on how I can take control over my body. shut the hell up.. you do't know what's like to wake up feeling fucked up ..Put yourself in my shoes then start taking that crap. That psycho stuff don't work on me cause once I’m messed up, I’m messed up. My body in pain and you’re trying to tell me to meditate? and for now after one year and half taking several type of meds even though my liver turned out to be a drug store, I’m still walking this path of recovery. Some days I wake up desperate, some days I wake up filled with joy, at moments I’m fine and then the next I’m not. Sometime frightened, sometimes brightened, but still I’m not going to give up. I’ve come too far to turn back now ..
and I came with one conclusion from my experience with this illness, that curse you world I don't give a damn about your suffering cause where were you when I’m in damned suffering, I didn't point a finger and blamed you until you started blaming me.
this my story may some of you like it may some of you do't but am not writing to impress am writing to express.....
WRAP IT UP..................
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