A new school. My cousin goes there; she has a well set school life so I see. I flounder among the fakeness, the cleanness my soul screaming. One day someone bags my cousin, I frankly tell them to fuck themselves.
The hounding begins. I am walking up towards to toilets. When ya gotta go you gotta go. When all of a sudden the bitches come up. They ask me
“Where’s Meg? Busy fingering herself?” They laugh.
“No bitches she on her period” another one says. More laughter
“Oh then she’s fucking some whore in the bathrooms. Maddison wanna film it for us?”
I yell at them by now to “Leave me the fuck alone”
As my luck would have it half my class is walking out the bathroom in a pack and they stop and stare at the new quiet girl screaming her lungs out at a bunch of younger kids.
“She’s insane we didn’t do anything” they say and since I’m new, I must be a liar.
Things go on like this for a few weeks until I am at my locker.
The bitches come up bagging me and Meg again along with Billy. Meg’s friend. Anyway after a while I slam my locker and walk off. I go to give them the birdy “Gives you hell” ringing in my ears from my iPod. I remember been told the school has cameras so I only half stick the finger up. As luck as it Jamie has followed me bobbing her head over my shoulder spitting in my ear. My birdy attempt hits the side of her jaw by complete accident.
Her plate is knocked loose from the force of my hard angry birdy and her furious head bobbing going towards each other. The silence starts. Then the screaming as I walk away.
“Cunt I am going to sue you” Jamie cries. I am beyond furious.
“Go away before I hit you for real” I reply coldly. She takes a step back as a teacher comes up to me. We are all taken to the principal’s office. Barely there a month and I am in trouble? Fuck My Life! Thank god he believes me. Partly because I admit I threatened her and swore at her too.
After that punching Jamie I started been told by countless people that Meg and her friends all said I walked up to them and screamed until they told me where Jamie was and then I went and punched her
I had people come up and abuse me during lunch until I hid under buildings to escape the torment
When I saw a shrink she said I had anxiety. After months of intense work she said she couldn't help me and recommended me to another shrink
He was a quack and bullied me and used abusive words towards me
By then I had lost all trust in shrinks so I sat at home crying every night
I went into stepping stones, again I was the new kid. The only one who hadn’t slit their wrist. Afterwards Stepping stones said they couldn’t help me because I didn’t trust them and kicked me out. While I was in there I heard a girl scream for her life and I still have nightmares
One day I got referred to CAMHS, after I was told horror stories about them. I went in thinking they were going to move me to Queensland and make me leave my parents. I got a caseworker called Nick who after about four weeks of treatment sent a referral to ARC; I was rejected the first time so I underwent team theory. Basically in a room talking and three others on the other side of glass write notes and judge me without knowing my history
They said I was faking, Nick disagreed. By then I am still undiagnosed. So I went to ARC next term and on the first day went for 5 minutes. Because I had an appointment with the head of CAMHS. he diagnosed me as social agoraphobic and put me straight onto medication
He gave me the wrong one which set me back three weeks in effects. So I was restarted on a stronger dose. I started been depressed again at ARC despite the Amazing people there. Upped my dose again
I started cutting and spent two weeks hiding it until I came clean to Hannah. Then she said she had to tell my parents.
Now mum forever stares at my wrist and has hidden my pocket knives
Now ARC is over and I am still depressed and still afraid of school
I owe so much to Nick, he actually believed in me long enough to find some help. While my road is still long and I am a self-absorbed bitch I have met some amazing people who I hope to stay in contact with. The experience of ARC has been so amazing for me and has defiantly changed my life. I am humbled by the strong people there who I found strength in, even just hearing their experiences have made me see differently. I still cry at my nightmares, I find my tears now for leaving ARC but I am changed. I hope I can only go forwards.
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