Reflection

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
Different point of views but with the regret.
"We should have saved her."

Submitted: May 21, 2015

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Submitted: May 21, 2015

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Maybe these weren't the words she wanted to hear. I bet she grows tired of the rock hard shadow that she presented. She was lonely but didn't say it. I bet she wanted to cry all the time... I could tell that she was frusterated. But I did nothing to stop her.

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"Cameron?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Stop it." She smiled and looked away, her hair covering her face.

"What am I doing?" 

"Your annalyzing me." 

"Is that a bad thing?" 

"I like lies better."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I liked elemantary school. I had the chance to experience real friendships. The type where you take turns practically living at each others house, depending on the week. I barely saw my mom from kindergarten to first grade. In second grade our "crew" went separated ways. But I met my new best friend. I was getting shy yet she made me feel like I was part of things. In third grade we all stopped talking but that year was the year I was introduced to the real world. 

From preschool to the end of second grade, my best friends (and friends in general) consisted of white girls. I'm Hispanic but they didn't see me that way. I acted, dressed, and talked like them. I never associated myself with people of my race. 

I met Sofia and Saundra. Both were puertorican at heart. I also met Nicki and Robert. They didn't like the things I liked. They thought I was offtrack and so changed me to the traintracks. I stopped playing on the playground and instead layed out on the picnic tables (when it was nice) and cooled off. We played cheerleader and made up dance routines. My parties weren't disney channel anymore, they were glow and the dark with manhunt at midnight. You could feel the music among the concrete highway. I left Justice and walked into Hollister. I still had sleepovers, since my new friends were all neighbors. But they were truth or dare, scary movies, and prank phone calls. But middle school was finally 3 months away and I moved. 

The first year of middle school, no one knew me. I relied on people I barely talked to in elemantary school, but they soon found there way in and I was still locked out. After two weeks I finally met friends but I was back to the usual preschool through second grade routine, yet I felt full and complete. It all kinda clashed in October. 

It all seems like a kaleidascope. 

I bumped into Ben in the hallway, he asked for my number, he was part of the popular crew and hung out with the "bad boys", I met the cool black and puertorican girls, I was known, I went to the Halloween parade and met Tyler, we saw each other at parties every single day there wasn't school and made the resst of the days up at school. We got close, too close, Ben asked me out, Tyler found out, me and Ben broke up, we talked, held hands. Tyler knew where to tickle me. We'd laugh, hug, we'd sit on the couch with his arms around me, we'd stand with his arms around my waist, we'd play girlfriend and boyfriend scenerios, we slow danced, we'd play jokes on each other, his dad loved me, his mom questioned me, we'd go to each others house, my mom liked him, we fell in love.

New years and we finally admitted our mutual "feelings". One party later and he met my friend, I saw the way he looked at her, I should've known. A week later he asked me out. My family knew, he was my first official boyfriend. I was so happy, his ex-girlfriend? Not so much. Her and her crew bullied me. They warned me to keep my mouth shut and told me that they'd stop if I ended things. But I was happy. My friend he'd met? Yeah, he liked her. Things went downhill and I gave in.

I didn't want to feel it. So accupied myself with fake relationships with his friends. I wanted to hurt him but ended up hurting the reflection that would stare back at me. By the end of the year I couldn't escape from the dark clouds. I gained weight, but summer came and I went self concious. I repeatedly tried to clutch the toilet but with the echoes of my mom's own alcohol pouring in, I just couldn't do it. So I started eliminating food. Seventh grade came and soccer tryouts were in a week. I stopped eating all together. No one really noticed until I passed out on the field. My friends started taking my makeup until I left my tray clean.

I met two new friends. They were the bad outcasts, yet I managed to be transparent. We'd stay after and sneak into the high school. We'd laugh but we'd mostly share blank eyes. I felt lonely but convinced myself that I was full. I started skipping class with them. Teachers would say I was just confused. 

I started filling zip lock bags with happy little painkillers. The number started increasing but my body never gave out. I relied on blades.

The year finally ended and I was left with detrimental memories. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"What happened to you? You used to laugh and just be so, alive. Now you run away from me and when I get you, you never look me in the eyes. You walk around with your head held up high with a model-like glare. You don't talk to any of us until we talk to you. We catch you acting like you used to, but once your within 7 feet of us, you act distant. Did I do something? Did we do something?" 

"Tyler... Things change, I simply just changed along with them." She was staring at her feet.

"I know you Juliette. And this isn't you."

"You know me? Really? How? Since we haven't talked since... umm, I don't know, like three years ago." 

"That's not fair."

"Since you know me sooo well then tell me, who am I?" 

"A girl that never ran away from things. I girl that didn't get lost." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By eighth grade I finally realized that I didn't have "real" friends. 

Sara? Yeah I could tell her things, since she wasn't in my grade and didn't get involved with any of my friends, but things I felt? I tried it once, it got awkward. Valerie? She knew my friends and helped me out, but she was a good girl. Jessica? We were close but I couldn't trust her. Miranda and Oriana? They zoned out and Oriana had ADHD and was high most of the time. Trinity? She could not be trusted. Ariana? I just met her. Haley? She changed moods. Sage? I felt like she didn't like me. 

I started having more guy friends than anything else. 

September came. My birthday. Got marked then locked in. I couldn't go out and missed out on dances and the formal. Quinceanera? Canceled. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You have a beautiful smile." 

"You're high." 

"Smoke or not I can see clearly." 

"That's debatable." 

"Why do you barely smile." 

"I do." 

"No, I mean actually smile. Not the fake one." 

"Zack?" 

"Yes?"

"Why do you care?"

"Why does everyone care?" 

".. Because they have nothing better to do?" 

"You know who and what I mean." 

"I've never really thought about it."

"Because we are all in love with you."

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My mom told me we were moving. My suitcase was at the door. They'd ask me why I wanted to leave so bad. I'd guess, because I wanted to start over. Have a clean plate with new faces and a new reflection. She finally said that we had to wait until I graduate. But my legs were left shaking. I wanted to walk away. That was my method. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We were all there. We told her too sneak out. We thought she was having a good time. But Daddy's Little Girl came on. She liked J.Cole but flipped out as he said the words. 

She ran out and we all ran after. It was hard because it was midnight and a graveyard party was always loud and crowded. But we found the bracelate I gave her, the necklace Tyler gave her, and the ring from Zack. It led to the bridge. 

She was smoking. But she never smoked, she only got wasted. The red cup was next to her and there was a zip lock bag with something red next to it. She was crying. 

"Juliette? What.. what are you doing." 

She got up and stood on the ledge with her back to us. She turned around and laughed.

"Let's have fun. Ease up this is a party." She giggled but she choked and her throat got caught. She looked down.

We walked closer.

"You know? I'm a simple girl. I'd prefer Wendy's over a fancy restaurant any day, or a game of soccer in the rain instead of going to the mall. I never wanted a lot. Just friends, real friends and not have this damn feeling." 

"But you said you were fine. I asked you if you were fine." Tyler ran to her.

"Stop. I.. I would tell myself I would be fine, that I'd get over things. But I can't keep living in this depressive shit called a world. I can't keep filling the hourglass." 

"You are so fucking selfish! You... You.. I love you goddamit!" Tyler lost it. 

"I never asked you to! I never asked you to care or be here either!" 

"Juliette?" Zack said longingly. 

"Leave. Please." 

And we left. We never asked her why she was smoking. Or stopped her from getting wasted. We never asked her about the zip locked bag or the red stain on the ledge. We never stopped her from getting in her car.

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Juliette Evette Pavane died at 1:07 in the morning of January 11th 2021. 

 


 


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