Casey's last letter

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
A girl was found dead in her room. This is her suicide letter that she wrote before hanging herself.

Submitted: November 12, 2011

A A A | A A A

Submitted: November 12, 2011



I looked in the man's eyes. I wonder what he thinks of me. Sometimes you can see what others are thinking through there eyes. You can see their soul. I can see that he was just a guy doing his job wanting to go home and take a nap. He saw an average girl getting groceries. He didn't see who I really was. No one can ever really see who we really are. That man could be so much more that what he appears to be and I surely am more than what I am appeared to be. On the outside I try to be as happy and average looking as possible. The truth is I cry myself to sleep every night. I look around and wonder why am I suppose to be here? Will anyone even care if I die tomorrow? I only wish I can see who are the people crying and who are the people who just write "rip" on my facebook wall. Act like they will remember you but they won't. How can they truely remember you if they never really knew you?

"What took you so long to get bread?" asked my mom. I didn't think I took long at all but whatever. I never want to get into fights with my mom. I'm suppose to be the calm one in the family that never gets into little fights. I just shrugged and sat at the table. My mind always worked in strange ways like over thinking little things like the way the cashier looked at me. The thing is my thoughts always become suicidal someway, somehow. I have so much pain that I hide and keep inside. It's indescribable what I feel. Sometimes I burst out in laughter for no reason and other times I cry for no reason. One of the main reasons I want to die is because I want to see what will happen after. I want to believe I go somewhere like heaven but the whole idea seems far fetched. I think it was all just made up so people didn't have to accept the fact that after we die that's it we are done. We aren't going to live in another life or anything like that becuase we are just animals on the planet earth. I know my mind is complicated. I am complicated.

I walk into my highschool the next day. Everyone greeting me as I walk down the hall. Oh does this confuse you? Yea it confuses me to. Turns out everyone was greeting the girl behind me. She was what you call "popular". I honestly don't give a crap. Someone taps on my shoulder and I turn around to see my friend. My only friend. Her names Natashia. Natashia is a bubbly, go getter person basically the last person you'd expect me to be friends with. "Oh my god! Casey, we have to go to the basketball game today!" she said sounding a bit too excited but that's just her. "Umm, yea about that I kinda have things to do. Maybe next game." I said lying of course. At home there is abosolutely nothing to do but I'd rather be alone in my room than in a room with a bunch of obnoxious people called my classmates. Natashia tried convincing me by talking and talking but I zoned her out listening to the conversation of the boys next to us. They were talking about going to the game. I interrupted Natashia to tell her I was going to the game.

Why the sudden change of mind? One of the boys next to us that was talking about going to the game was Tyler. Tyler is a tall boy with dirty blond hair, light brown eyes, and a pearly white smile. I can desciribe him so much better but I won't due to the fact that I hate this feeling. I can describe him so well you'd think he was God and Brad Pitt put together but like I said I hate expressing the feeling I have for him. This feeling I have had for him ever since freshman year when he sat next to me and now we are both seniors. I hate the fact that I care so much for him. The fact that he is what makes me want to go school and now he is the reason I'm going to go to the basketball game today. "You sooo like tyler!" Natashia exclaimed as if he weren't just two bleachers below us. "No I don't. Now can we please just watch the game." I said in an annoyed tone. I didn't lie to her becuase I don't like tyler. I love him.

I mean what is term love even mean nowadays? People throw it around like the waythe basketball is thrown around duringthe game. I surely am not one of those people so for me to say that, itmeans alot. I hate way more people than I love. Natashia was never a person I hated or a person I loved. I just thought it was nice to have someone to talk to but she is part of the reason I'm typing this. It was just yesterday she did the unthinkable which was to ask tyler if he liked me. Why is this the unthinkable? The worse he can do is say no right? You would think that but his response was even worse. He was the guy I liked to imagine to be not just like other guys. Turns out he was just like everyone else. I have been in all of his classes for almost four years. I have helped him out in just about every subject, I have gave him over two packs of pencils and/or pens. Do you know what his answer was to her question? "Who?".

What to do when the guy your madly inlove with doesnt even know your name? Well the answer for many courageous people would be to talk to him and get him to know your name. My answer? Lay in my bed and think how terrible my life is and has now become. I am a noone, nothing. Natashia tried to make me feel better but it didn't work I still came home that day with red puffy eyes. Since I wiped my tears before I stepped in the house not one person in my family saw anything wrong. They say when everything else fails you that family will be there. What if there not? My family doesn't get me. They don't get the way I dress, the way I act, the way I bascially live my life. My mom expects to much of me, my dad ecpects to little and my sister is just plain annoying. I wish I can say I enjoy being with them but I don't. Let me tell you that they have failed me more than many times. Now when everything fails you what is there to live for?

I write this letter so maybe my readers will be able to get what goes in my mind. Maybe I just won't be known as the girl who commited suicide. I'll be known as the girl who commited suicide with a much more fancier letter. Usually these letters are short but I wanted to write down my feelings to express the feeling of having nothing to live for. The reason I started off with the cashier guy was because of he looked me in the eyes. Unlike everyone else he seemed to not look right through me and I thank him for that. In my life those moments are rare. I only wish that one day my family will forgive me for being a crappy sibling/child. As for Natashia thanks for being a friend, but know you couldn't have stopped this. This was meant to happen. I want to say all of this could have been avoided but it couldn't have. Everyday I was faced to live a life I didnt want to live. I feel like it's the perfect time. I'm not 7 anymore and afraid of death. Death is my friend. It is going to free me from a world I don't think I was ever meant to be put in. As I'm about to tie this rope around my neck I will tell whoever is reading this what my final wish is. My wish is to be remebered. That's it. Just know that I was here and I was a person. For others, all of this doesn't matter cause I guess I was never really here.

Thank you for reading this. May you have a long happy life but please remember... I was here.~Casey

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