The Christmas Jukebox

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
A true story,embellished slightly for effect.

Submitted: December 08, 2011

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Submitted: December 08, 2011




We are having a Xmas party for our offices this weekend at our place,it is a pain in the arse as we will have 40 or so people,which is good,but I gotta set it all up.
Now we are fairly organised with the food and grog and entertainment for the kids,but the missus thought it would be a good idea to get a Karaoke Jukebox.
Now to me,those things are a bit "naff",if you know what I mean,pissed people yelling into a mic and killing great songs.
Well,anyway,I had to come home early from the office this arvo,and this great big black box of boganism was sitting there allready.
Seeing as I am sure to be in charge of everything(ie if there is a problem,you know who's fault it is...),I thought it best to make sure the beast worked.
Rightio,plug her in,crank up the normal jukebox....hmmn,not bad,pumps out the volume,all good.
3pm in the arvo and I'm tapping my foot to everything from Soundgarden to Meatloaf,still good.
So I'm feeling pretty good around now,hopping around like a demented grasshopper,so I hit the fridge and crack the first coldie whilst screaming out similar lyrics to Bat out of hell, or something.
I manage to calm myself down after crooning "My Way" by Frankie in an awesome fashion,even if I do say so myself,ended with a crescendo I did!
So I'm thinking,man I can sing this stuff,maybe my talents are wasted.
I grab another refreshment and flick the switch for Karaoke,I'm up for the challenge.
Best I check it all out before the party I thinks,cos you know I'm gonna have to sing.However I reckon I'm up for it,I think I have untapped talents,really maybe I should look into a side job as a vocalist,just as a semi pro or something,no TV or anything.(open for offers though,see my agent)
Anyway,I'm feeling a bit dry,so I grab a couple,gotta lubricate the throat.
Rightio,I'm into it,press the button and start with something easy,I go for those Beach Boys,I try a couple of songs but there seems to be something wrong with their pitch,mine is perfect.
Sometimes you get dodgy electrics with these local karaoke operators,I'll mention it to him when he picks up his crappy machine.
I give the machine a chance and launch into a cracking version of "Bound for Glory",Bon Jovi I think.
I'm ripping it to shreds,the dog disappears upstairs,windows are shaking,yet,sadly,the stupid machine sounds like crap,it's pitch is all wrong again and its timing is way out as well,it sounds like a screaming banshee or something.
I'm cool with it though,I know how it goes for small operators,you play the cards you are dealt,and deal with the fallout later.I'm pretty sure we can make this machine work ok,we just gotta find the right songs that don't stress the acoustics of the machine too much.
So I trawl through the list of Lil this and Master that featuring all sorts of funny names(Master Bates made me laugh,ha ha)
So I decide I should do something more current,specially as the missus is coming home shortly,and I reckon I'm gonna impress big time!(you know what they say about rock stars......getting lucky I hear....)
So I scroll up "Sex on Fire" by some band,I think this one should do the trick.
I have a little practise,but the machine still seems out of tune.I decide to work with it and grab a coldie for my throat.
I figure the volume is probably a bit low for the speakers to really show the range of the song,so I adjust the controls a bit.(just as well I had a few tools to get into the back of the bugger so as I could get volume value!)
I now have a nice fuzzy,warm sound.Unfortunately the dog has pissed off,he doesn't seem to like the song.
The horse 200m away is also looking a bit skittish,but I put that down to the march flies, after the rain.
I go and get the dog from under the house,he must be chasing rats or something,and set up for the finale as the missus arrives home shortly.
The dog is being annoying and is scratching under the bed,silly bugger,no rats there last time I checked.
So,this is the moment,my baby comes through the door,and I launch like a bloody rocket!(I had it muted and paused for effect)
Well,I'd like to give a glory story,but I was sadly let down by my equipment.
The initial impression was perhaps a bit shocked,but not really negative so to speak.
I rallied well with the limitations of the low tech support,as I decided that drowning out the out of tune backup was the best policy.
I could understand the pained look on the face of the beauty,however there is only so much you can do trying to overcome poor gear.
I decided that a little more volume was probably in order so as to ease out the pitch problems with the machine,however it appeared the limit was met with performance,as a nasty cracking noise and a waft of blue smoke greeted my screwdriver.
After I had removed the glass shards from the faulty window,and consoled my better half,I had time to adjust the melted knobs to get the sound I was really after.
Glorious,absolutely Glorious!I was on fire (so was the rug,but I dealt with that with a sadly wasteful slosh of amber)
I was peaking! reaching the big notes with ease(though sadly the machine was still flat in pitch),I overcame with the finale, "Oooooaaaahhhhhh your sex in on Fireeeeeeeeee"(actually that is the only bit I know,but it works really well with a pouty look)
Well bugger me,it was too much for the missus,she was so overcome with desire,she couldn't control herself and took herself off to the bedroom!
Not sure whats going on with that door up there though,must be a draft,as it slammed like a bastard.
So I reckon I'm on a promise,too easy.
I just have to find the horse and the dog and I'm good.
Bit of a problem with the stupid neighbour standing out the front carrying on again,drinks too much I think.
Anyway,there's my day so far.Not finished yet if you know what I mean.....


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