Honesty Within Ourselves
Honesty is one of the most important virtues people evaluate when they are judging other people. However, before asking other people to be honest with us, we need to ask ourselves first if we are even being honest with ourselves. Many people avoid facing their true emotions because they do not want to hurt their pride. They think what they feel is cowardly, but what really is cowardly is not having enough courage to face their own feelings. I believe the biggest part of my identity is that I have enough bravery to face my true emotions. However, before my 8th grade in middle school, I was the person who thought my pride was more important than anything.
Everything started with a small, serious-yet-playful conversation about who was going to be the co-manager of the art club. There were two candidates, the experienced student and the diligent student. The members chose the experienced one, and the diligent one got upset and stopped talking to the experienced one. They started having childish stare-downs during club meetings, and the unresolved conflicts compounded each day. They gossiped about each other to their friends constantly, and one day the diligent one stopped coming to the club meetings. The diligent one blamed her unhappy school life on the experienced one. The diligent one posted on a blog that she nearly cut herself to death because of the experienced one, and club members turned their backs from their new co-manager. Soon the experienced one starting cutting herself too.
This is what was going on in experienced one’s mind: She was sad that the diligent one did not like her, but did not know how to make the diligent one like her again. She decided to hate her back because she wanted to keep her pride. She started cutting herself because it felt like she was going to lose the hate contest if she didn’t.
This is what was going on in diligent one’s mind: She was jealous of the experienced one. She slowly got embarrassed of her behavior, but carried on showing the hatred to the experienced one so that she could keep her pride. She told people that she was cutting herself simply to get attention. She was lonely. She did not apologize because her lies went too far and thought the diligent one would never forgive her.
If the diligent one and experienced one accepted what they were really feeling, setting aside their pride for a short while, things could have gone much differently. The diligent one could have apologized for being rude. The experienced one could have told her that she actually wanted to be her friend. A year long fight would never have happened and the experienced one wouldn’t have had to explain why she had cut marks for every single time she made new friends.
The experience I had in my middle school art club has taught me that pride is actually not that important. All of our feelings get all mumbled and jumbled when pride comes into play. We make up comforting stories to reason our actions, actions not done to fulfill our true wills but to protect our pride. Admit you are scared. Admit you are weak. Admit you are insecure. Admit you’ve made mistakes. Once we start looking at our bare feelings with no masks, we can seek something that we really want, not something other people wants to see in us.
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