Terrified of Happiness.

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
I needed to write my thoughts. Here they are.

Submitted: August 14, 2012

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Submitted: August 14, 2012

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It's here again. Well, it's a sort of omnipresent thing that frequently makes itself known. It's a sick sweet addiction. When it comes I'm thrown on my knees begging for it to leave me alone, but a part of me clutches on to it, and delights in its company. The sick twisted incomprehensible side of me, that craves the sight of my own blood and the sting of an open wound. The normal part, or whatever is perceived as my normal self screams and thrashes and pounds to get out of the self destructive bubble, wanting the self inflicted pain to stop. Wanting to heal, emotionally, mentally, physically but the part of me that craves the hurt overshadows it. It welcomes those voices that haunt me at night, the ones that whisper to me, telling me I was the biggest mistake on the planet, suggesting the forms of punishment I inflict upon myself because of my mistakes. There is something so indescribably sweet about the arms of self hatred. The thought of being completely happy terrifies me. The thought of not being tortured by my own blissful sorrow makes me want to vomit. The double life I'm leading is a painful security blanket, and it's one I can't fathom throwing away. Without my depression, where am I. Or, more importantly who am I. So much of my identity lies within my insecurities, leaving them behind would leave me with a person I was unfamiliar with. I would be trapped inside a strangers body. And would that result in my depression increasing? I've created a vicious cycle of growing and healing and then immediate relapse because of the fear of becoming someone I don't know. Basically, I'm scared to feel anything other than sadness, because I'm terrified of my own happiness.  


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