Life, Death and Squeezing Lemons

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

well, i was bored one day so i wrote the future of one of my friends and yeahh this is it!

Zoë, the useless girl in her fourteenth year of living, finally had something great and wonderful happen in her life. But before I tell you what that thing may be, I will take you back to a few days of her life before when everything was just, well horrible!

While walking down the street one day a mysterious man stopped her.

“Excuse me mam, but I think your lost!” he whispered to her while staring her down from head to toe.

Okay so Zoë wasn’t the prettiest girl ever, and she didn’t have the best clothes either. But how could she working the job that she had? Every day she had to go around the neighbor hood cleaning peoples garages, taking out their garbage, and sweeping their sidewalks! I guess that’s what you get when your fourteen and you go around squeezing every guys lemons that you see! So, she has no real job, no real home, and no family. That all left her when she went to far and got an STD from some random dude. Yes, she has a house, but no one really knows who she is, only because they don’t really cared.

“ Exsqueeeze me?!” Zoë yelled back at the guy.

“I think your lost! The homeless shelter is over there. And by looking at the time, I think they are serving dinner at this moment. You better hurry!”

Hearing this Zoë smiles slightly and slowly takes out her pepper spray from her back pocket so he can not see.

“Why thank you sir, but I have a home, so I will not be needing your services anymore!” Quickly, she pulls the spray the rest of the way out, aims it towards the guy, and sprays!

“AHHHHH!” Zoë screams as her eyes burn in pain. Turns out she had the bottle facing the wrong way. Apparently the guy was a child molester on top of that too. Thankfully, he had no interest in Zoë, just what might be in her pockets. Seeing that she sprayed her own pepper spray in her eyes, he knocks her over,

smashing her head against the sidewalk. He quickly takes off her pants since she had no purse, and runs for his life! “SUCKERR!”

About an hour later Zoë wakes up, still on the sidewalk. There are people walking all around her, and coins all around her. Wow she must have really looked homeless! Hey at least she got some money back! She stands up, and looks around. Man, there were a lot of people! Now to find a store so she could get some pants! Across the street she sees a Dollar Tree. Good enough. There she buys some PJ shorts. Ha, could it get any worse for her? Well, you’ll just have to find out!

The next day she wakes up and goes around her neighbor hood doing her normal jobs. But today they wont be so normal as you will see.

“ Hi. Is there anything you need me to do for you today sir?”

“ No, I am good today. But if you would like, you can come in. I think you have done enough for me these past few years.”

Well that was weird! She never got invited in. They usually just told her told her to do something and threw a few bucks at her when she was done. Well, better not let this offer pass her by!

“ Uh, sure! Thanks! That’s so nice of you!” Wow! What was she getting herself into?!

The man opens the door the rest of the way so that she can come in. When the door is open, she sees what the man is wearing. He had no shirt on, but that was normal, it was what like 90 degrees out? But the thing that hit her was the fact that he only had his boxers on. That just made her feel a LITTLE bit uncomfortable.

“ Uh, actually I have a lot of things to do to day. I don’t think I have time to sit and chat!”

“Oh I am sure you do. But you don’t have to stay long. Only a few minutes!”

“Uh, um, well. Okay.” Zoe walks into the mans house. She doesn’t even know the guy. Doesn’t she usually just sweep his sidewalk everyday? Maybe her life was going to get better! Yeah, she wishes! The man pulls her into the room and drags her to his bedroom! He rips off her clothes until she in nothing but her underwear(which are very old and brown because she has no money to buy new ones!). Excited, she takes the rest what is on her off for him. She hasn’t had this kind of action since she was 13 and fuckin every guy she saw! The guy quickly takes off his boxers and goes to Zoë. When they are both ready, they start making out on the bed. But then Zoë realizes that there is nothing IN her! Why wasn’t there any sensation down there?! She tells the guy to get off so she can have a breather. When he stands up, she realizes why there was no magical sensation. He had no lemons! OR STICK! All “he” had was a fudge eye na! WHOH! Zoë screams in horror! He was no man! He is a woman! What was she doing?! She had to get out! She thought this was the turning point in her life!

After throwing her clothes back on, and actually spraying the SHIM in the face, she runs out the door and back to her house. She sits and cries. She has ruined her life! She did it with a girl! EW! What a freak!

And now my fellow reader, this IS the turning point in this poor girls life. When she thought everything couldn’t get any worse, everything changes. It has its ups and downs, mostly downs, but at least there are ups in her life now!

Devastated, Zoë walks around doing her normal jobs. And like any other day, they are normal. She decides to skips the shims house. When she is done with her last house, she starts to walk to McDonalds so she can get something to eat. Inside, she walks to the front to order the normal, Big Mac, Fries and a drink. When her order is done, she turns around to find a seat. But then BAM! She runs right into a pole when she notices the most beautiful things she’s ever seen. Yoda. He is sitting the back, eating a snack wrap…staring out the window. She never thought this moment would happen! She was actually going to meet Yoda! After picking up the food she dropped when running into the pole she attempts to fix her hair. Even though it wont do anything, it always looks horrible! Ecstatic, she walks in the direction of Yoda. Finally she is at his table. Slowly, she sits down in the seat right across from him, trying to look normal.

“OH MY GOD! YODA!” well the normal thing didn’t work out so well!

Immediately, Yoda’s head spins around and they lock eyes. Its love at first sight. The tiny creature stands up, and walks over to Zoë. She stands on her feet, and looks up. They just stay that way…staring. Its like they didn’t care that the place was filled with other people. After being that way for at least an hour Yoda steps down off Zoë then jumps on her. Literally jumps on her. So there they are, making out, in the middle of McDonalds. Soon enough, they arnt just making out, they are doin it! IN MCDONALDS! in front of everyone!

A small child, about 6 or 7, off to the side watching takes out his phone and starts to tape what is happening. Soon enough the video of Zoë and Yoda in McDonalds spreads across the nation. The video gets them millions of dollars. They end up going to Antartica to shoot a second video with the penguins. There, they do shoot a sex video, but not only that, they deiced to live there so that they can do it and not get hott! After awhile though, the cold it too much for little Yoda to take! He ends up dying because of hypothermia!

Overly saddened by Yoda’s death, Zoë attempts to kill her self. During this attempt though, she finds someone else. While at the edge of a glacier where she was about to throw herself off of she finds a penguin.

“Oh Zoë, what are you doing?! don’t do this. We love you!” The penguin told her as she was about to dive off. Zoë turns to see him, and she is shocked my his beauty. She ends up falling off the top of the glacier. But when she hit’s the bottom it isn’t what she expected. She lands on something soft and fluffy! A polar bear. And she woke it up. Great. She screams and tries to run, but he bear just pulls her in. Then starts talking to her.

“Don’t go baby! I need you! I am all alone. Come cuddle with me.”

Grateful, Zoë curls up next to him. They lie there, and make out. She is relieved from her Yoda’s death, and her near death experience. Every way they bear Tony touched her, she loved it. It made her forget everything that was happening. They end up getting married in an igloo. Their penguin priest has them say their vowels and it is done! They are happy and together forever.

While doing it in the darkest area of their new igloo one night( they completely killed the other one…somehow ;D) they hear something outside. Zoë gets up angry that someone disturbed them. She walks out the door and finds Yoda. OMG YODA! What??!! wasn’t he supposed to be dead?! Yes, he did die, but Yoda is cool and is able to come back to life. He was given a second chance! Amazed Zoë screams and freaks out! This is a miracle! Only Yoda did not come back for Zoë, he came back to kill her! He had been spying on her and her new husband for months now. He is infuriated that she would cheat on him! even though he did die! While they are doing it in the snow secretly so that Tony the polar bear cannot hear them, Yoda pulls out his chainsaw. Only it doesn’t look like a chainsaw, it is disguised as a giant condom! Zoë laughs and tells him to put it away, that they don’t need it! Yoda pretends to put it away. As he is sitting it down, she turns it on! He saws off Zoë’s limbs. Blood and guts go flying everywhere. MWHAHAHAHAHA! Yoda is victorious! Know that he must get rid of the pieces, he remembers her husband Tony in the igloo. Polar bears eat meat right? Ha, Yoda is smart! He throws Zoë’s limbs into the back of the igloo where Tony is. After a few minutes, he can he the crunch and slurp of the bear eating her arms and lets. Lastly, Yoda throws in her head into the igloo. Roars of pain and agony could be heard from Alntartica to Hawaii! Tony comes storming out of the igloo on all fours and sees Yoda covered in blood. Specifically Zoë’s blood. Using his super cool polar bear strength, he tears Yoda apart. He throws his tiny creature parts onto the frozen ice. Now his job is done.

Ahh yes, death….is good. Especially when you’ve had a life like Zoë’s. But she did go to heaven. Her life was short and while in heaven, some more things just decided to make her life that much worse!

“Yoda, I am sorry. I never meant to hurt you.” Zoë tries to apologize to Yoda for making his life miserable, and getting him killed! Yoda just walks away, flipping her off with the tiny fingers he has!

Later, Yoda sees the light! And the light speaks to him!

“YODA! What have you done?”

“ I have made my life better by leaving that bitch!”

“Yoda, this was your chance to start over, to start a new life in this world!”


“Your life was meant to be lived with Zoë, you would have been very happy!”

“FUCK YOU LIGHT FUCK YOU! Why didn’t you tell me this BEFORE I pushed her off the cloud?!”





Suddenly Yoda grabs this chainsaw! She starts it and goes towards the light! He runs off the edge and falls to the underworld! Apparently, its not good to go towards the light…learn from Yoda’s mistakes.

Zoë then peeks out from on top of a cloud holding a flash light and a megaphone.

“HAHA! Loser! I AM the light!”

Submitted: January 28, 2010

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comment it please! i worked veryyy hard on this...not really but thats okay! =D

Fri, January 29th, 2010 12:54am


okay this was a good one! :)

Fri, January 29th, 2010 1:17am


Haha thanks! Oh and if you like it....please tell others to read it! :D

Fri, January 29th, 2010 10:52pm

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