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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
I wrote this a few years ago,it's a comic play about storytelling and what happened to the body of Jesus

Submitted: December 25, 2011

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Submitted: December 25, 2011




Maximus This heat is terrible ( standing at the entrance of a cave )

There isn’t a breath of air, is there ?.

Sarus No there isn’t and look at the job we get lumbered with.Milos and Gaius

get to act as security along the Jordan River.Where they can swim to their

hearts content and watch the pretty maidens washing their clothes and we

get a cave .

Maximus I know we get a cave.There’s no justice d’you know that. pause In fact

Sarus I want you to be the first to know that I’m thinking of giving up the

Army all together.

Sarus Go way.

Maximus It’s not all it’s cracked up to be, is it ?.They promise you one thing and

you end up with another.My brother in - law makes more money than I do

and he just sells rugs.A rug seller can you believe it.Not fancy Persian rugs

no, just ordinary Roman rugs.I really am thinking of giving it all up.I’m

still a young man you know.

Sarus and what would you do ?.

Maximus Travel

Sarus Travel!, but sure we’ve been everywhere.Join the Army and see the world

that’s their motto.That was the whole attraction of the Army for me.Go to

far off exotic places and see different cultures.

Maximus I know it sounds like that but it’s not the reality is it like ?.When we went

on campaigns.I didn’t pay attention to the people or the scenery.I was

always pumped up for the battle.My philosophy was if I ‘m going to die

on foreign soil I want it to be a glorious honourable death but not

anymore,no siree.Now I’m looking out for number one.You fight your

heart out and where does it get you ?.It gets you into a cave.

Sarus In a cave, ( pause ) in this heat.

Maximus In this heat ( a fly lands on him,he waves his hand at it.It flies away but

lands six inches further down his leg ) Go away ! why are they called flies

anyway ? All they do is land on you.They should be called landers not

flies.I’ll kill him when I catch him.

Sarus They seem to be a more aggressive kind of fly.Maybe they think it’s their

cave or something ( waves his hand at another a fly ).

( Rufus, their commanding officer, enters the cave )

Rufus What do you think you’re doing ?.

Sarus Nothing Sir, ( hesitates ) I mean keeping guard.

Rufus You’d better be.I want the two of you at your most alert. If that’s at all

possible.You’re aware of the situation on the outside.

Maximus Yes sir.

Rufus Then I needn’t tell you this is a very serious matter.I don’t want

anything to go wrong.If something goes wrong you’ll never see the

outside of a cave again.Is that clear ?

Maximus Yes sir.

Sarus Yes sir.

Rufus Some of his supporters are outside and they’re a bit restless.Everybody’s

a bit on edge today it must be the heat.

( Rufus exits the cave )

Maximus What an asshole.

Sarus This is a serious matter ( mimics his voice )

Maximus It matters serious to me ( mimics his voice )

Sarus I tell you if we marched all day we wouldn’t meet a bigger asshole than


Maximus Jupiter be damned,I remember when he joined the service he wouldn’t

say boo to a goose.You’d see his body quiver when his name was

called.Now he acts like he’s Achilles or something.

Sarus We’d better be careful though.

Do you think it’s true what they say about him ( nodding his head

towards a shrouded figure lying on the stone ) That he’s the Messiah.

Maximus You know what they say there’s no smoke without fire.

Sarus Maybe there’s something in it though.All those people can’t be wrong.

Maximus Who’s right or who’s wrong I don’t know all I know is that I’d murder

a drink right now.Some Pasca would be great or even some Mulsum.

.Now that would be perfect.

Sarus Yeah sounds good alright.

Maximus Do you think we could sneak some drink in past Rufus.

Sarus Are you mad ? .You heard Rufus if he catches us we’ll

be in big trouble

Maximus I know but this heat is killing me and a few drinks might make the

heat more bearable and the time go by a bit quicker.I could get a

message to Antonius to bring us some drink and some food.We could

make a bit of a night of it.( pause ) all subtle like.

Sarus Do you think Antonius will agree ?

Maximus He’ll agree if he knows what’s good for him.He owes me a favour.

Sarus We’ll have to be careful though we don’t want Rufus to get a whiff of

what we’re up to.He’s itching for us to mess up.He’d like nothing

better than to make an example of us.

Maximus Don’t worry.( pause ) I’ll send the message.

( Maximus leaves the cave, Sarus casts a look over his shoulder at the

shrouded figure)

( Some time later Sarus ,Maximus ,and Antonius are sitting in the cave

drinking and talking )

Maximus Guarding dead people what’s the point of this.It’s not like he’s going

anywhere.My Jove what will they ask us to do next.

Antonius It could be worse.Have you heard the story of Appius ?.He was an

ordinary soldier just like you or me.He was sent on a secret mission.

by no less than the Emperor himself.He was ordered to transport a plant

from the Cliffs of Sardinia to Rome.Now this was a very special plant

that only grew in the wilds of Sardinia.As legend has it when the leaves

of this plant are ground down and made into a drink it can help you in

the bedroom.

Maximus In the bedroom, Ha !.If I had the Emperor’s wife I wouldn’t need any

help in the bedroom.Have you seen her breasts.?

Antonius Yes they’ree enormous.

Sarus What happens in the story ?

Antonius Well Appius finds the plant and gets it to a boat that is leaving

Cagliari for Cittavecchia but also on this boat is a beautiful young

woman called Prisca.You know how beautiful the women in Sardinia


Maximus Yeah they’re gorgeous.I knew a girl from Sardinia once but I let her

go.I chose the Army over her.It’s a decision I will have to live with for

the rest of my life.

( Maximus sighs and drinks a big mouthful of beer.)

Anyway,Prisca was in Sardinia visiting her family.She was married to

a Merchant from Genova but their marriage wasn’t a happy one.He

was a great deal older than her.She was forced into marrying him by her

family because he was very wealthy .Prisca’s family’s future was

secured by this union but for Prisca life wasn’t good.The marriage was

loveless and she was terribly unhappy.

Sarus I’m a bit skeptical Antonius.How do you know all this ?

Antonius It’s how the story goes.Anyway, Appius and Prisca meet on the boat

and fall in love.

Maximus That’s beautiful you should always follow your heart you know.

Antonius I’m not finished yet.They fell in love on the boat right.Now Appius

was a good soldier but he had a curious nature and this unfortunately

was his downfall.He was very curious about the potency of the plant.So

he decided to make a little drink from it.However he didn’t know that

only a very small amount was needed for the plant to be effective.He

made a drink using all of the plant.It’s enough to say that he and Prisca

both came to a sticky end.

Maximus What ?

Antonius They made mad passionate love but it was their passion that killed them

and they died in each others arms.

Maximus There isn’t a happy ending so.

Antonius Not really.The Merchant lost his wife, the Emperor lost his plant,

and Appius and Prisca lost their lives.

Sarus Why did you tell us that story ?

Antonius I don’t know it’s just a story.

Maximus I prefer the stories with the happy endings.

Sarus Yeah so do I.

Antonius Relax it’s just a story ( pause ).I think it’s kind of romantic the way

They died in each others arms.

Maximus I suppose ( pause )At least he died with the person he loved.There’s a

lot to be said for dying with the person you love.

Antonius Yes there is.Anyway we have to find a way of passing the time.

Maximus This drink is good where did you get it ?.

Antonius At Quercus Aureus, it was on offer.Buy three bottles get two free.

Sarus Was there any problem getting it past Rufus ?.

Antonius No, I didn’t see him anywhere.He must be skiving ( pause )It’s not as

hot as it was.( walks to the entrance of the cave ) and it’s all quiet


Maximus Maybe his supporters have gone away .They have given up the ghost.

( pause ) I have a game we can play are you interested ?.

Sarus What is it ?

Maximus It’s called Famous People.What you do is write the name of a famous

person on a leaf ( he holds up some leaves ) You write the name then

you lick the back of the leaf like so( licks the leaf ) and then you stick it

to the forehead of the person on your right.( pretends to stick it onto the

head of Sarus ) Like so.

Sarus Then what do we do ?

Maximus It’s quite simple all you have to do is find out the name of the person on

your leaf but you can only ask questions where the answer is yes or

no.Like am I a man ?, or am I a woman ?, understand ?.

Sarus Yes

Antonius I’m in.

( They all write names down and stick them onto one another’s

foreheads ) .

Maximus One more thing before we start.If the answer to your question is yes then

you can ask another question.If the answer is no you lose your turn and

then it’s somebody else’s turn.Ready ?

Sarus Yes

Antonius Yes, I’ll go first. Am I a man ?

Sarus Yes

Antonius Am I alive ?

Maximus Yes you’re alive.

Antonius Am I an honourable person ?

Maximus No way.

Sarus Definitely not.Okay my turn.Am I a man ?

Antonius Yes

Sarus Am I Roman ?

Maximus No ,my go.Am I a man ?

Antonius Yes

Maximus Am I a Roman ?

Sarus Yes you are

Maximus Am I a Roman soldier ?

Sarus Yes, but that’s debatable.

Maximus Am I Caesar ?

Antonius No you’re not Caesar.Okay me again, I’m Roman but I’m not an

honourable person.Am I Titus he’s a sleazy bastard ?

Maximus No you’re not Titus but he is a sleazy bastard.

Sarus I’m a man but I’m not Roman.

Antonius Correct.

Sarus Am I alive ?

Antonius No you’re not.In fact I can categorically say that you’re dead.

Maximus I’m a Roman soldier though some people think that’s

questionable and I’m not Caesar.I get it am I Antonius ?

Sarus Yes.

Maximus He’s not famous.

Antonius Some people think I am.Okay I think I’ve a good idea who mine is.

Am I hated by the people I work with.?

Sarus Yes.

Antonius Am I a big sack of camel shit ?

Maximus By Jove you are

Antonius Am I our good friend Rufus ?

Sarus Yes yes very good.Now I’m a dead man but I’m not Roman

Have you got any clues ?

Antonius Think closer to home.

Maximus Sometimes the thing you search for is right in front of you.

Sarus I get it I’m Jesus of Nazarith.

Maximus Right you are.

Antonius You’re Jesus of Nazarith.

Sarus I don’t like playing this game with him just lying there.

It doesn’t seem right.

Antonius Perhaps you’re right.Whatever the truth about him he has created a lot

of excitement.

Sarus Maybe we have done a terrible thing.

Maximus Maybe we have maybe we haven’t, Jove only knows.

Antonius It’s in the hands of the Gods now.Who are we to interfere.

Maximus I’m really getting to like this Pasca. ( Takes another big drink ).

Saras Yes it’s got quite a kick.

Antonius It’s not half bad I don’t know about you but it’s gone straight to my

head.I feel magical. ( Stands up unsteadily )

Now and without further ado I’m going to teach you a song about the

prettiest Roman girl that ever bathed in the Tiber.

( Antonius clears his throat and starts singing )

She looks like the moon

She looks like the stars

She’ll keep you out of the Aventine bars

There’s only one of her in this world

She’s my sweet Palatine girl.

When she smiles at you she’ll

make you feel the best in the world.

She’s my sweet Palatine girl.

Everybody knows her beauty

Her fame knows no bounds

She’s the woman every man wants

to marry they come from all around

( Maximus and Saras stand up.The three soldiers form a little huddle

leaning on each others shoulders and all sing together.)

She looks like the moon

She looks like the stars

She’ll keep you out of the Aventine bars.

When she smiles at you she’ll make you feel

the best in the world

Shee ee ee’s my sweet Palatine girl.

( They continue singing as night falls )

( The next morning Rufus enters the cave to find that Jesus has disappeared )

Rufus Where is he ? Wake up where is he ?

Maximus Who ?

Rufus What do you mean who.Who do you think ?

Maximus He’s gone ?

Antonius He’s been stolen?.

Sarus He has risen ?.

Rufus You’d better find the body or you’re dead men.Do you hear me ?

( Shouts ) Dead men.

The End

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