I Shit You Not

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Just a little bathroom humor.

Submitted: August 08, 2013

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Submitted: August 08, 2013



I shit you not...

The pressure was building.I felt it a little after I woke up this morning.Was last night's seafood linguine looking to jump ship?I thought I could hold it but there was no telling for how long.I looked at the clock and it was 8:12am, right in the middle of my 8-10 food delivery time window.I waited three days for this delivery and I wasn’t going to miss it.

At first it was easy.A clinch here, a fart there and it went away.But after my first cup of coffee, there was no fighting nature; it was time to move my bowels.As I approached the bathroom I thought, “This is like playing Russian Roulette, what if I get mid-shit and the doorbell rings?What if it’s the Hershey Squirts and it takes wipe after wipe or worse the Doody Diarrhea Cramps where you sit and sit and wait for that explosion to release the pain?What would I do if the bell rang then?”I was fairly confident that it was going to be a solid one but you never know your time commitment until you take on the task.With those risks in mind, I dropped trough and went to work.

I patiently sat for a few but nothing was happening.I figured if the bell rang at this point, I could easily abort.But no bell, so I moved on.I sat for another moment and then gave a push.Still nothing.So I pushed and pushed until finally things started to move.As it crowned it’s head and started it’s downhill slide, I could tell it was solid and it was wide.My bung hole felt like it was being torn apart as it slowly crawled along.Thirty seconds into this thing, the tears were swelling and the pain was excruciating.“Dear lord,” I thought, “When will this shit be over?” Then, Ding Dong.

Oh, crap!My delivery was here and I was mid-shit with no end in sight.I pushed more and more and risked blowing out an o-ring to speed up the process but it didn't help.This monster had a mind of it’s own and it was going to take its time.Ding dong, ding dong, the doorbell rang.I began to sweat as tears rolled down my face.Will I miss my long awaited food delivery or worse, will I do irreversible damage to my sphincter? 

With each ring of the doorbell, my heart skipped a beat.My worst fear was happening, the food was here and I’m stuck on the bowl.Ding Dong, Ding Dong, Ding Dong, Ding Dong then finally silence.  Fuck, I missed my delivery!   Now, there was only one thing left to do, get through this shitty experience without causing injury. 

I gave it one last push of a lifetime and it picked up momentum.  It slid and slid and I thought, "Thank the Lord almighty there’s an end in sight.”And then, I felt it.Something I have never felt before in my entire life.  Something smacked me in the back of the balls!Was it the dreaded alligator living in the sewer system that comes up through the drain and bites your ass?I had no idea what it was but if there was any left, it would have scared the shit out of me!

I sprung off the bowl and turned to look.And there it was, the most magnificent thing I had ever seen.This big, brown, beautiful, long, solid, mammoth of a crap was peaking its head way above the water line all the way to the rim of the bowl.I had never seen anything like!It was like Mount Everest peaking its crown above the clouds.It was like Shaquille O’Neil playing ball with midgets (no racist pun intended). It was a turd that would go down in history as the biggest and greatest of all time!In all its glory, it was the perfect shit!

As I shuffled with pants at ankle to get my cell phone to take a picture, the most horrific event in bathroom history happened, it broke in two and slowly slid down the side of the porcelain bowl to it’s watery grave at the bottom of my toilet.It was like watching the titanic sink to the bottom of the ocean.Both meeting the same fate as the greatest that should have been but never was.

I tell you this story because no pictures were taken and no stool samples exist.Naysayers will claim it never happened but I tell you my friend, it certainly did.And if there is just one positive thing to take away from this historic, yet tragic event…it was just one wipe and done!





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