Open letter (I did not die)

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic

An open letter to an abuser...........

Despite an abusers best efforts I am still alive. An angel has saved me.... There is a long painful journey ahead for me I know on the road to being healed.

I can walk it and face whatever monsters are lurking in the darkness......

I will live and I will survive the darkness.....

An angel holds the light.

This is dedicated to my angel.....

Open letter (I did not die)
You created me one day pulled me out of a hat just like a magic trick. An endless ribbon of pain low self esteem neurosis paranoia and fear just kept pulling me out of the sleeve…..
I crawled into a bottle for many years, the hangovers never to be endured just chased into oblivion by an empty bottle. Drugs never ceased the voices……. It just took more and more just to feel nothing at all. Tomorrow almost never came. A syringe in my leg crippled me almost beyond salvation.
 A cold hand dragging me into the nothingness…. Somewhere somehow a gentle hand carried me back into the light. Took the syringe away from this child’s fingers and wrapped a gentle hand round mine.
An overdose maybe an accident probably deliberate, I had given in. My white flag raised. The last stand found wanting, collapsed like a pack of cards. Lions led by sheep into the valley of death. Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I must fear evil for I am mortal and mortals can only die………
I did not die that day…… I did not die that March day; a drunk driver could not kill me. For some reason I survived…… Battered bruised and disfigured I survived…. Gentle hands repaired me, dressed my wounds, and fixed my smashed face to make me smile again. I carry the memory of the pain but I did not die.
You hear me abuser? I DID NOT DIE
The drugs again, redemption in a pill box, the Morphine saves me feeling anything at all. The darkness encroaching inch by addicted inch…. Running hot and running wild. A trail of destruction, of lives relationships lovers mangled emotions absent. Guitars smashed rooms destroyed running hot running wild into the wall. A wanna be rebel long hair unkempt black leather jacket the whole James Dean……….
Except I did not die………
You continued to abuse me…….. See if you could kill me. Was that your game? You look like shit in black……. Would you pretend to be mournful at the funeral? Did you rehearse in front of a mirror? Well sorry to disappoint you. Sorry your hours of practice were wasted.
I did not die.
The drugs the alcohol the wrecked cars the near misses laughed off in alcohol bravado. The city centre bomb courtesy of the IRA which redesigned the city for them one day, I walked away you hear me? I WALKED AWAY.
The overdose a final mistake……… If I had died you would have won. You would have escaped without accusation….. Your mortal days unsoiled by the truth I now speak. I am alive despite not because of you. I am alive to be your judge jury and if necessary your executioner. Black suits me if you’re interested………
You convinced me I was fat, starved me to the point of death…… You said it was my fault. They came one day to college and locked me away…… An asylum for the insane, a danger to myself and others you said. You had the knowledge to say just the right words to get me sectioned didn’t you?
You delighted in watching them sedate me…… In watching them shove tubes into my stomach to feed me……. My mouth sealed so I could not vomit the poison you pumped me with……… I could not vomit the cancer out….. The cancer you planted inside me…. A cancer black and twisted all the hate I hold for you…….
You delighted to see my room mate hanging from the light when they brought me back one day……. A blanket round his neck…… A pool of shit and piss on the linoleum floor beneath him, his neck twisted beyond redemption. Did you wish you could push me that far gone? J’accuse! His eyes staring blankly into yours………..His eyes staring into mine…. His eyes staring into the nurses who cut him down…. J’accuse.
I did not die in there, they would not let me die…….. They said I had a life to live that God had a purpose for me as he has for all of us. I did not die. They let me out again into your custody…….
Again the abuse, the beatings the names the touching……. The final exquisite sin, almost the last thing you could steal from me……. You beat me almost to death. So crippled so mangled I could not stand. All this piss vomit cum and shit you beat out of me….. The mind you crushed…. The needles you gave to me….. The bottles you opened for me…… The bottles you smashed on me….. The cigarettes you lit for me….. The cigarettes you stubbed out on me…………. All the wounds all the tears, all that pushing to the brink you did. I did not step over the brink…….
I did not die……
Now I am far away from you…..  You still hurt me; you still abuse me you still fuck with me. But now I can stand. Now I stand defiant….. Now the truth is told
Now I sit here listening to Nighwish  on my CD player….. My home paid for by honest work and getting by, I am standing on my feet. All the daemons you gave to me will fall. The light is coming, a cross and an angel. An angel supports me. God provides for my soul……. An angel provides for my heart and mind.
A divine light shines the darkness I must face tempered by the light. I can face the darkness inside me……. The beast in me is caged by the light. My destruction is hiding in the shadows as he is scared of the light.
I am the daemon, I am someone else loved and desired. I am walking to the light of redemption. I am duality…….. I can live with my daemon as an angel will defeat him. An angel stared him down one day…….I can survive the darkness. I can survive you…….
The truth and the light will defeat the dark and the hate….. Love and hope will endure….
I did not die……. I am dislocated  I am hurting but I am standing in Ground  Zero brushing the debris from my clothes……….
You lost abuser…….. All it took to defeat you was love and an angel…..
The darkness is coming……… The monster is coming…… the daemon is coming……
Boneman 03/05/2008
©Boneman productions 2008

Submitted: May 03, 2008

© Copyright 2020 boneman. All rights reserved.

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Add Your Comments:


Lacey Cummings

What a fucking coward that guy Peter is! He's not even a registered user so there's no way to tell him what a sniveling little prick he is.

You on the other hand are brave, courageous, talented, brilliant, loving, inspriring, funny, supportive, good-natured, wise. I loved the poem. It was another one that brought tears to my eyes and I think you are awesome to share yourself with us.

You are twice - No ten times the man that jerk is. Ugh! He made me so mad! He's probably some 15 year old little boy hiding in his closet thinking up ways to insult people.

I always love your work, Boneman. You did a fabulous job, as you always do. Hecklers be damned.

Sun, May 4th, 2008 12:38pm


Thank you lacey....

I find that cowards and bullys have found a new way to prosper on the internet..... Problem bullys have with me is that I dont scare easy and I wont walk away or back down.

"Peter" is a sad pathetic excuse for a human being cowering in his mothers basement scared to go outside where the big kids take his lunch money.....

I have left his comment for now just to show how pathetic he is.

Bullys eventually run into someone who wont back down.....

I am honoured and touched that you think so highly of me Lacey.

I wish you peace and love


Sun, May 4th, 2008 6:08am

Lacey Cummings

Oh, sorry for the potty mouth on your page - He just infuriated me. You're 100 times the person he is!

Sun, May 4th, 2008 12:44pm


Thank you Lacey....... Dont worry about the potty mouth !

I am really touched that you rate me so highly...



Sun, May 4th, 2008 6:10am


boney, this made me cry as i read it. i was blown away by it and the tribute to your angel who will always be around.
as for 'peter' he is beneath contempt, a spineless tosser who does not have the decency to reveal himself. nothing of what he said bears any resemblence to what we think of you. you are amazing as is everything you write. please dont ever let the likes of him stop you from writing. probably the best he can do is sign his 'X' come dole day.
your friend forever
snow xxx

Sun, May 4th, 2008 6:49pm


Thank you Snow...... I treasure my angel above all things. My angel is my light and hope......

I will not let one moron stop me from expressing myself in whatever way I feel.

Your friend forever

Boneman x x x

Sun, May 4th, 2008 3:25pm


OMGoddness! That's the most hateful thing I've ever seen. I agree with Lacey 100%. I'm glad she said it.

The poem was wonderfully sad. I'm just sorry somebody like that tried to over shadow it.

Rose @~

Mon, May 5th, 2008 12:20am


Thank you @~

I do not feel the poem is sad, more defiant.......

I will stand through light and love..



Sun, May 4th, 2008 6:41pm


This was an amazing job you did on this poem. My eyes kept welling up with the emotion. Then I read that jerks remarks. I was reminded why I love LC - she calls it like she sees it. I couldn't agree more with her assessment of your poem and Peter. I hope he did not hurt your feelings, because he is not worth it! You did a great job just like the other poems of your that I have read.

Mon, May 5th, 2008 12:34am


Thank you Buttercup...

LC is a wonderful and warm person. She tells it like it is always.

Peter hurt my feelings for about 2 seconds before I dismissed it.

1 idiot cannot put a dent in the wonderful support I have both in real life and on this site.

I thank you for your kind words.



Sun, May 4th, 2008 6:40pm


Boneman, this is a stunning read! Every single word worked beside the next, each brought tears to my eyes.

Peter - what an absolute ass! Sorry Boneman, I can't help myself, you don't deserve that from anyone. You're an awesome writer! ~ Gypsy

Mon, May 5th, 2008 1:26pm


Thank you Gypsy for your kind comments.....

Again I do not feel this is sad, more a cry of defiance to the world....

I want to live.



Mon, May 5th, 2008 6:28am


Woah, that was wonderful! Go to hell, "Peter!" Keep writing!

Tue, May 20th, 2008 7:35pm


Thank you for your kind comments.

I agree as well



Tue, May 20th, 2008 1:05pm

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