Shopping channels

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
A short story or rather more an unhinged rant against the shopping channels that clog up my satelitte channels. Why on earth anyone would buy anything from one of these is beyond me........

Apologies to anyone who does buy from them.

To be honest I lost 5 IQ points every minute just watching one. Must go now my nurse says its dinnertime.

Submitted: March 27, 2008

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Submitted: March 27, 2008

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Shopping channels
 
 
You ever watch those shopping channels on satellite or cable? There are loads of them, to be honest one is enough…..
 
“Buy some jewelry for a night out, hand made by starving 3rd world people, guaranteed to make you look like a million bucks yours for only £150 plus our usual carriage costs buy two items or more and save on carriage.”
 
Buy now because the offer only lasts until the top of the hour !!!!!
 
Buy this necklace, buy this ring costume jewelry for that essential little something that says “I don’t leave the house but I can manage to ring a toll free number and buy costume jewelry at an exclusive price”
 
Or are you a keep fit addict, or a little out of shape? Then fight the flab (remember that?) with our all in one “Exercise – O- Matic it’s wonderful, it trims the hips waist thighs, behind and bust all in one easy to use module!”
 
“See our super fit sales woman demonstrate in a skin tight leotard while grinning inanely while I try desperately to think of something else to say to shift this piece of crap we have had clogging our warehouse for the past two years”
 
Oh please !
 
“Do you have problems preparing food? Those troublesome vegetables proving difficult to chop? Then we have the perfect solution for your kitchen woes. Yes it’s the Veg-o-matic chops everything from tomato’s to your fingers, free sewing kit and private medical insurance included in the price. Yours for only £9.99 plus carriage, this offer is not available in shops so hurry and order yours……….”
 
Probably not available in the shops for a good reason……
 
“Do you have problems with troublesome facial hair ladies? Well your woes are banished with the moustache-o-matic!!!!! Removes facial hair in an instant ! “
 
(The manufacturers are not liable for any permanent scarring or 3rd degree burns however caused by using this product)
 
“Yes ladies! Your facial hair woes are banished forever for only £149.99 plus carriage. You will look like a supermodel in no time and have men swooning at your feet”
 
(The manufacturers are not endorsing this products ability to attract the opposite or same sex and are therefore not liable when you die penniless and alone)
 
“Do you have problems with housework? Well worry not for we have the solution! Our exclusive product all the way from the war torn former soviet states Yes ! It’s the flame-o-matic house cleaner. This product will remove stains from any household surface carpets walls kitchen floors, bathroom floors curtains showers baths….”
 
“See how easily it cleans those unpleasant stains from this public toilet…….”
 
(Shit ! cut ! for god’s sake cut oh god the humanity oh shit)
 
“We would like to reassure viewers that, that demonstration was carried out under controlled conditions and the product is safe, safe yes that’s what it says here”
 
(smoke drifts slowly across the studio as the salesman frantically wafts his clipboard)
 
“OK that was fun wasn’t it? Now our next product ahem yes. Do you have problems with troublesome neighbours? Yes? Well what you need is the terrorist’s friend yes it’s that old favourite the AK47! Yes settle those old arguments about noise and how long he has had your lawn mower or whether your neighbour is sleeping with your wife or husband.”
 
(Salesman smiles and loads the AK47)
 
“See quick easy magazine loading with one quick action loaded and ready to dispense justice at 600 rounds a minute……..”
 
(Salesman flicks the safety to off and levels the rifle at the camera)
 
“Buy now buy now buy now buy now buy now buy now buy now……… Buy now or fluffy bunny hand puppet display gets it ! Ha hahaha see em burrrrrnnnnnnnnn mwahhahahah”
 
(The owners of “Shop Easy” would like to apologise for the behavior of our presenter we do not condone the use of the AK47 to destroy innocent soft toys meant for chocking er comforting small children)
 
Buy now buy now buy now time limited offer on being shot until the top of the hour oh look a grenade launcher……….. Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee bang wheeeeeeeeeeee bang ohhhhhhh weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee bang bad people go away far far away………”
 
(Your kind viewer shakes his head flicks the remote to the TV listings and goes to prepare dinner with his Veg-o-matic chopper)
 
The end
 
 
 
 
 
 
 


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