The big question answered

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Life is governed by big questions..... The universe is hinged on doubt and mystery......

Now at long last is the answer to the biggest question of all. The one that has taxed minds throughout generations.

Never mind the question of life the universe and everything. This is the biggie......

Now a major 147 part series on the Discovery Channel. 3 Am Mondays GMT.

Buy the dvd box set for someone you really dont like much....

Submitted: May 06, 2008

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Submitted: May 06, 2008

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The big question…….
 
 
 
 
Life is governed by unsolvable mysteries such as the Bermuda Triangle, the Big bang or not as the case may be…. The existence of God, the existence of ghosts or what happens when we die……… And so on and so forth.
 
All of these are very worthy causes to be argued about long into the night… Many philosophers have pondered long and hard about such weighty issues. Some were burned as heretics some praised. Some locked up were they spent their time writing on padded walls in crayon…….
 
But every single one missed the biggest question of all. A question that has plagued mankind since the dawn of time…..
 
You know what that question is?
 
Can you guess?
 
The clock is ticking tick tock tick tock tick tock……
 
Times up !!!!!!
 
The question is (drum roll please)……..  What happens to my socks?
 
There you are…… Don’t you wonder the same on wash day?
 
For example:- You take your socks off at the end of the day and push 1 sock inside the other and chuck em in the laundry basket….. OK?
 
1 day = 2 socks…… You repeat this action either until you run out of socks or you decide its about time you did some laundry…….
 
Say a week, so 7 days=14 socks (assuming you have 2 feet, if not half this number)
 
So you gather up your laundry and walk to the washing machine……. OK this is the tricky bit coming up.
 
You shove everything else in the washer, jeans shirts undies etc….. You then separate the socks….. Throwing them into the washer in pairs but loose…… OK ?
 
You close the washer etc and go away to do something else like worry about were your socks are…..
 
After an hour or 2 the washer finishes so you get round to emptying it…. Pulling out the clothes into another basket ready to dry…..
 
Assuming you hang your washing out to dry somewhere inside you wander off to the clothes dryer. Hanging the clothes out to dry……
 
Ready for this?
 
Remember 7 days worth of washing = 14 socks? 7 times 2 = 14……..
 
No it doesn’t 7 times 2 = whatever number the socks want it to be any number as long as it is odd EG 3 5 7 9 11 13 and as long as they don’t match up…..
 
So where are the socks?
 
You go back to check the floor, washer etc and guess what? No socks lying around anywhere. You check your jeans etc hanging on the dryer……. No socks caught up anywhere…..
 
So where are they?
 
Theories
 
 
Chaos theory:- It really is horribly complicated and makes my brain hurt…… Basically within a set action EG: - stirring a cup of coffee round and round the molecules will behave in a definable but chaotic manner within a set motion……
 
Like a washer going round on spin………
 
The clothes spin round and round and round. Reaching terminal velocity in fact so fast the cotton in the socks becomes unstable and disintegrates leaving nothing but the threads so small they cannot be seen with the naked eye.
 
So the socks still exist but not in the same state they started in…..
 
Or perhaps taking chaos theory as the origin of the universe and therefore including black holes…….. The socks reach critical mass and density and collapse in on themselves. Thus creating a wormhole to an alternate reality populated by socks….. Where they go on to live happy lives forever and ever.
 
This theory is far too sensible and therefore complete nonsense…..
 
The imp theory:-  Now this one makes sense. As your washer is usually shoved in a corner somewhere with loads of pipes wires etc there is lots of room behind it under it, under the floor etc for these little blighters to hide in.
 
When was the last time you moved your washing machine?
 
The imps’ lives are geared towards socks…… Their entire economy is based on the value of socks. EG a plain white sock is worth far less than an expensive patterned one that you only wore once and were a present from a now deceased relative….
 
The exchange rate is: - 155 white socks to 1 expensive one.
 
The gross domestic product of one small imp colony is the equivalent to the GDP of the United Kingdom so you can start to appreciate the scale of the problem.
 
So given that the lives of many millions of imps are dependant on socks they keep detailed and quite obsessive charts and almanacs on everyone’s wash days so they can deploy their foragers in the most efficient manner.
 
So when you press that magic button on the washer all hell breaks loose in imp land sending them hurrying to your machine. Just before they reach the pipe they have a little airlock with scuba gear hanging neatly on pegs. They don their little scuba outfits and swim up the pipe propelled by the intake of water to your machine……
 
There they spend a happy hour or so being spun round and round like a fairground ride on caffeine and amphetamines…….. All the time grabbing any socks that spin by.
 
When the water empties out they are flushed back into imp land to receive the praise of everyone for being so brave and not being too sick in the process.
 
The socks are then sorted weighed and exchanged for useful household items like a cure for nausea and motion sickness.
 
Now here’s the really devious and downright smart arse part. Since you now have a pile of odd socks you decide to go out and buy a few new pairs since you never seem to have enough socks…….
 
Who do you think owns the sock factories?
 
That’s right Imps !
 
They have a nice brain washed human to provide a public face to the world. So brainwashed or senile that he or she is not bothered by being given orders by Imps. They produce the socks in our world so we buy them thus feeding their economy with both hard cash and socks.
 
The Imps are now so horribly wealthy they can afford to influence world politics and disrupt major financial centers such as Wall Street……  The depression of the 1930’s wasn’t caused by a stock market crash at all.
 
The Imps wanted to see what would happen if the price of socks went through the roof… Needless to say they were a little upset as the 2nd world war did disrupt their operations for awhile. Likewise every major depression or world bank collapse is directly caused by the Imps becoming bored and thinking “Ok I’m bored what happens if I do this whoops!”
 
 They are clever little imps……. I have spent hours sat in front of the washer watching for them. This achieved nothing but making me feel sick and a visit from the social worker.
 
They have never been seen but they exist….. Kind of like an honest accountant or a kind estate agent….
 
So there you go the answer to one of life’s eternal mysteries……..
 
Or is it?
 
You could of course be sensible and assume you dropped a sock under the bed, the cats stole it or the kids are hiding them. Or the little green men from mars are sending you microwave messages telling you to eat dirty socks but you would be dead wrong……
 
The imps steal the socks……. One day I vow I am going to catch one of the blighters and make it give me back all the lost socks………
 
OK must go my nurse says its time for my medication and that washing basket is full again…….
 
Happy imp hunting brave washer……
 
Boneman 06/05/08
 
The secure unit cell 5 mental asylums
 
©Boneman productions 2008


© Copyright 2017 boneman. All rights reserved.

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