Who am I? I am Eirian James Ashley, I think about things a lot, these things can be people, events, life or even places I've only imagined, as well as other things I've imagined. I appear to be very intense, I talk and think with an almost overbearing level of depth and duration. I do not believe this makes me superior to others. I do believe am hard to understand.
I am strongly emotional. I take myself seriously and I take others seriously, but I try to make it with humour, which I genuinely enjoy. Well, no, I think that might be wrong... I want to be less serious, more happy, as I dont view my seriousness as being particularly benefical. Why do I think this? Because other people to not be serious in the same context as me. I feel like I'm missing something.
I am 22 years old, make, a virgin, welcoming of others, sympathetic, some what obsessive, hedonistic, reckless, nihilistic, happy, depressive, attention and approval loving.
I feel I am not good enough to impress others, worry that the level to which I understand other isn't good enough, I love people will put myself down and assume that love and friendship is only temporary, that somehow I'll mess it up by not being smart enough, funny enough, sexy enough... good enough.
I am insecure. I worry about what people think about me. I am scared of their rejection, I'm not sure how I here or why they like me. I am left with a feeling that my mind isn't connecting the dots. That the things I see are shallow and superficial, that I am unable to see the depth and truly appreciate the reality of another's mind.
I feel as though both stupid and smart at the same time. I feel as if how I am isn't suitable for this world.
I can't seem to get anywhere on time. I don't respect myself, I don't think I respect others socially but I like to respect their rights to life and joy.
I keep comparing myself to others regardless of their unique circumstances and wish to myself that I had all of their positive traits.
I feel that because I am not a good enough/ am different/ stupid that people will use any chance to mock me and make me feel terrible.
I believe I am an odd and broken jigsaw piece of humanity, that I won't fit in anywhere.
I love people but I don't think they think of me in the same way. I concern myself with thoughts of impressing others and simulataniously worry if they'll think I'm trying too hard.
I am honestly wondering how much of this is really me and how much of it is painful ideas latched onto my idea of myself. Ill-suited and pointless fears chipping away at my self-worth until I crumble and take out my theortical, conceptual pains on those I love and value, driving them away, to never forgive me.
Forever ruined by an idea I have, fears altering my actions, my exaggerated emotions driving me into a fear based state of insanity. I am presently distated to by fear, supposition, paranoia and a desire to be accepted.
So, I am someone who understands people enough to please them, but I believe in myself so little that my insecurity and fear bleeds through into my daily life sometimes and negativly reinforces itself.
The negativity itself isn't "bad", rather it's how it's allowed to linger and effect me and those I personally value. I am not fully in control of it, I am not using it constructively. Negativity should be used as an energy of motvational fuel for the fire to keep burning, not something to drown the driver of the train in.
Negativity should not be allowed to destroy anything in your life if you can control it. It just has to be used responsibly.
As a sombre, controlled, opposing state to happiness, joy, bliss. It is it's own unique plane of grey and thought, of less than romantic versions of things that can drug you back down to reality, keep you on track.
When I was younger, I was unable to appreciate this, I instead became heavily depressed and violent, suicidal thoughts entered my imagination, my mind.
I did not enjoy the company of others, as I didn not understand them innately. I found other people confusing, annoying and hurtful.
Thankfully, intelligence can fill the gap my dead intuition left and eventually start it back up or at least create something resembling it.
I am at a point in my life where can shape a lot of my physical future, that is, in regards to money, jobs, etc.
I can effect this at any time, but really college is probably the best place for right now.
My life isn't bad, I just get so caught up in the moments that I confuse these moments for my life.
I must take control of myself and not left the world and others do it for me or ask them to do it for me. It's not fair on me or them to ask them to take my reigns.
I must live the life as myself, not as I think others want me to live it or as they actually want me to live it. At the same time, I must not disregard people wholesale, but merely take their advice after it is filtered through my own mind instead of just taking it straight in "as gospel" or ignoring it "as if pure lies".
That's the end of my long ramble, thank you if you've actually read it all to the end.
Have a good day.
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