Inside every person, exists some base instincts. Recently, I found those instincts inside of myself and they are not something I like or want.
I greatly enjoyed the company of a female friend, I found myself unable to stop talking around her, drunk with joy as it were. I find myself very happy just talking to her. After some spurring on by friends, I attempted asking her if a relationship beyond friendship would interest her at all and it did not.
As noted by a mutual friend, both of us agreeing on this being fine was a very non-standard outcome to this. I thought nothing of this, but I shortly found in myself a great insecurity, a great desire to prove myself "good enough" to be liked in the same way I perceived her to like others
My talking increased, my stress increased, my emotions became unhinged and I jumped at every oppourtunity to "be a friend" and spend time with this person. Interpretation of actions, behaviour, body language and even non-actions would occupy my thoughts, I would react to slights that didn't happen or take a joke as an insult and other such "wonderful" things.
I assume I must've somehow convinced myself that I could prove myself to be just "awesome" and be appreciated as such, but in my efforts to do so, I instead became wanting, intrusive, controlling, paranoid, emotionally unstable and... well, I became a bit of a nightmare.
The female became unobtainable so I became even more driven and wanted to "win", to quote a good friend of mine.
That is the ugly side of our instincts, the ugly side of what might be termed "love".
But knowing what it is, what's going on inside of my head... I finally feel like I can let it go. It feels as if I can finally move on.
I had a dream the other night and in it, I let go of the person (figuratively) and we went on and lived our lives. It felt like I had accepted reality more than I'd had a dream.
I don't feel nearly as vulnerable, angry or horrible... I don't feel ugly anymore.
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Essay / Religion and Spirituality
Essay / Young Adult
Essay / Non-Fiction
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