The Hidden Truth

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Religion and Spirituality  |  House: Booksie Classic
Reading this will lead to self discovery! It is a reflection I wrote upon reading Eckhart Tolle's "Awaken to Your Life's Potential."

Submitted: February 02, 2017

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Submitted: February 02, 2017



Who am I? Well, let me start of by telling you who I am not. Brandon Xavier Kirkwood is not who I am. Those are simply three words that others have attached meaning to in order to recall a mental image they have of me and the thoughts they towards me. Neither am I my mother’s son, my wife’s husband, a friend, nor enemy. To be quite frank, I am none of the labels or qualities that any human being would use to describe me.

In fact, it is the thoughts, qualities, characteristics, values, and expectations that others have of me which often cause me to forget who I really am. My dark friend, the ego, is the main reason that I find myself in a chronic state of identity crisis. One day I am confident and sure of who I am, then the very next day, I am hustling for my sense of self-worth. My ego says that I am perfect, and that everyone’s opinion or view of me should communicate nothing less than that. My ego says that I always right and that my intentions are always pure and anyone who say’s otherwise is simply wrong. Regardless of how confident my dark friend is in my perfection and infallibility, I am never quite convinced that I am perfect and I feel incredibly flawed. In fact, I find myself so wrapped up in other’s perception of who I am. The incongruence between what my ego says and the many perceptions of others, I often find myself overwhelmed and confused as to who I really am. So, I simply ignore the reality of my inner turmoil, and subconsciously surrender to the emotions and thoughts of the ego. The problem with my ego is that it takes everything personally. When conflict arises, it gets defensive, and sometimes aggressive. It says “How dare you?…How could you?...Why would you?” When a person means well but don’t communicate effectively, my ego is not generous, it does not give the benefit of the doubt. My ego is the master of selective perception and distorted interpretation. It sees everything through the lens of perfection, although it will never admit it. If someone communicates anything remotely different about me than perfection, it is enraged.
However, in this moment, as I write this, my ego is weakened and no longer in control, simply because of “awareness.” See, once I realized that I previously found my identity in my career, in my role as a husband, in my nice car, and my compassionate nature, I realized that without those things, I would be nothing. I would have no identity. This was the moment I began to ponder the idea that perhaps who I am has nothing to do with the “things” that I identify myself with. Perhaps they are merely things, roles, and associations that serve as accessories to my true identity. Now I got it! It is much deeper than those things. When I came out of the womb, with nothings to identify with, all I was in that moment was “ME.” But who is me? And why is it so hard to see it? Because of my dark friend, ego. Fortunately, I learned how to get rid of my dark friend. By first realizing that those labels or things that I once identified myself with were nothing more than that, the power of the ego suddenly collapsed and faded away.
So, If I am not Son, husband, co-worker, missionary, Good Samaritan, then who am I? I am the binary code behind the desktop screen of your computer. I am the inner working parts of the beautiful exterior of your brand new car. In essence, I am consciousness itself, rather than what my consciousness has identified with. The ultimate truth of who I am is not “I am this” or “I am that,” but I am.
In light of this discovery, I amazed to discover that the evil devices of my former friend, the ego, was all a great big scam. All the while, he had no power over me; it was purely illusory. The scene in Mulan where the tiny dragon projected himself as a huge fierce dragon accurately depicts the illusory power of the ego. I now realize that the “fault” that I perceived in other people many times was not even there. It was a total misinterpretation, a projection by my ego to portray others as enemies and to make itself right or superior. Now that I see him for the little, insignificant, puny, oppressor he is, I can now chose not to react to the emotional responses that he tempts me with. Now that I realize that to get defensive, feel offended, or act aggressively is literally a form of domestic terrorism enacted by my very own ego, I am no longer under any compulsion to attack or lash out on others, because I understand that it is not the other person who is causing these threatening feelings, but rather the ego himself. So, if I am not the labels, perceptions, thoughts, or opinions associated myself with my true identity, and I am definitely NOT my ego, then WHO AM I? What is the truth?
Who I or others think I am are merely thoughts. Thoughts can at best point to the truth, but never is the truth itself. There is only one absolute Truth, and all other truths emanate from it. The truth is inseparable from who I am. Why, because I AM the truth. I learned that if I seek for truth in any other place, I will be deceived every time. That is why Jesus said to his disciples, “I am the way and the truth and the life.” Jesus spoke of the uttermost “I AM”, the essence identity of every man and woman. I refer to this concept as the indwelling God. When I am in touch with this awareness within myself, all my actions and relationships will reflect oneness with all life. This is LOVE. I no longer have need for Laws, commandments, rules, and regulations, as they are necessary for those who are cut off from who they are, the Truth within.
To sum it up in one sentence: The very essence of who I am is Truth, formed in the image of the almighty God who was, who is, and is it to come.

© Copyright 2019 Brandon Xavier. All rights reserved.

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