??? I'm so sorry

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic

Honesty of the moment that can make a difference.....

It’s all drifting away, nothing feels right anymore.
People say they want to help but they version of helping makes it all worse, I want to be alone to cry my sorrows away without everyone starring at me laughing, saying I deserved it, saying it’s all my fault and that I deserve to die.
“It’s ok, it’s gonna be alright, all you gotta do is smile!” such comforting words......but not to me cause all words spoken to me end up in a dark hole, that nobody ever goes, the place where I am falling, down, down......to a hard crash at the bottom, in the silence, the dark, cold, lonely place that I will forever lie on my own.
Tears can’t stop falling, even when I smile for a split second I cry even harder, people have it much worse and I know it, but I don’t know what to say or think let alone do anything.
I try to be strong for their sake but everything backfires and they end up blaming me for their pain, saying I caused it in the first place and that I should leave and never come back..................
I often think of leaving.....leaving everyone behind, they wouldn’t notice anyways and that’s not exaggerating.
I can’t help but cry, it sounds stupid but right now my keyboard is getting wet from the crystal tear falling from my sorrow and pain filled eyes, I want it to stop but pain no matter where I am it always seems to crawl back and hit me with double strength.
My room feels like my bubble, it’s the only place I can truly be me. People on the outside of the bubble look in and see the perfect life, a happy girl who’s won Academy Awards for Acting and is now staring as a lead in 2 Disney Musicals, has a loving family friends but when you take the time to step into my bubble and look out on the world, all you will see is hate, pain, sorrow, wet pillows that have been cried upon multiple times every night.
They become speechless, but it’s only 1 person every few years that actually take the time to have a good look, other people who claim to be friends that want to help stick their head inside the bubble and say they feel sorry for me but then make it worse by going off an joining the groups of sceamers that make life horrible to live.
I use to think that no matter what I will always have y friends, but I’ve realised they probably were better off before they met me, their lives would be so much better if I was taken out of the picture. I put my thoughts to words in front of them, they rub my shoulder and say “No that’s but true” then walk off and stat laughing with someone else, looking happier than they were when around me.
I feel like I bring down the mood, like I really do cause the pain of others, it doesn’t make a difference if I don’t start it; they always seem to find a way to say I make it worse..............
I’m probably just babbling on with nonsense but that’s just how I feel right at this moment in time, the same as years before when I had depression but never got treated for it, then something great happened, I got involved in a special person’s life more, but I feel like I’m bringing her life down.
She’s the most beautiful person I have ever met, she’s always bubbly and can make anybody and everybody smile without really trying, she made me feel like someone out there actually cared, she made me happy and I try so hard for her sake, because I want to be there for her, I don’t know anymore..................I can’t explain it with words, or with my paintings let alone my music..........
I’m so sorry.......I’m so sorry.................


Submitted: March 31, 2011

© Copyright 2021 BreBre95. All rights reserved.

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Comments

Haley9713

I love the story it made me cry inside.

Fri, April 1st, 2011 11:12am

Author
Reply

Awww well thankyou for reading :) x

Fri, April 1st, 2011 8:28am

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