Accept Who I Am?

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: True Confessions  |  House: Booksie Classic
Coming out is, in itself hard. But coming out to your parents may be the toughest obstacle anyone would have to endure...

Submitted: June 22, 2011

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Submitted: June 22, 2011

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Accept Who I Am?
10/08/10
 
At once, with a cold hard feeling in the pit of my stomach, I knew that it was time. I couldn't deny it any longer, couldn't hide behind the mask covering my face...you needed to know.
If only I could tell you how scared I was. How I wish I could describe to you how my heart raced, how it fluttered, how my stomach churned like an ongoing storm, how my skin flushed with nervousness...anxious I was. I wanted you to know, to see what I see, feel me for me...but how the greatest of all fears kept eating away at my insides...I will never be able to describe to you the feeling.
It went through my head for weeks. How I would do it, what I would say. I answered questions you asked in my head. I had it all worked out, so planned was it that I even thought that this would be good. So good I fantasized about the life we could all share; me not telling lies, you understanding, so supporting...you there to give me away, to have that final dance, to have and share that final laugh...
I smiled at that. Memories I wish I could have years from now. No tears, no fears, it's all okay...but that's only in my dreams...
In reality I'm pacing in my room, breathing deeply. In and out. In and out. It's time. So perfect. You're alone. One on one convo. I can do this. My heart beats fast; could this be a heart attack? My mind so light...yet is racing. Something takes over; I try to find an excuse. Stay, sit, don't bother...but my body moves down the stairs, scared i was i could fall with my legs shaking so much. I couldn't stop. First to the bathroom.
Breathe in, breathe out. Look me in the eyes. A flash of fear, vulnerability...my face pale. I can't think straight; what was I doing? Is now good? Maybe not...maybe tomorrow...maybe later...stare hard into my eyes. see that cold place, encircled by the iris! See my shallow breaths, my scared complexion. Now, or never. Get it done and over with. Tomorrow will be better.
Eyes closed as I give myself a burst of energy. Adrenaline rush. Eyes open, set in, ready. Let's go. And without my control, my body leaves. As if I'm walking on air, I moved through the kitchen, my hands clenching, my body shivering. Am I breathing? My heart obscured any sound...what if I'm not?!
But I kept moving, on through the dining room, into the living room. I turned, my body seemingly more weighed down than it should be. And there you sat, waiting. i swallowed. The lump in my throat couldn't have been any bigger. I clenched my hands, sat down, looked down, leaned forward, looked up, eyes twitch, look you in the eye...and still you wait.
It's like you know it’s coming. But you really don't. You can sense it. But I know you really can't I cough, a nervous gesture that I couldn't stop, and started. Words escape me before I could comprehend. Did I just start? Is it too late to back out? Too late to run, to get away from your gaze, hide myself within the shadows...?
But you're waiting for me to continue. I can't turn back, can't run...I'm trapped. So I leaped forward, bowing my head and clasping my hands. Just say it. Be done with it.
In a choked sob I say it. Twice, unable to tell if i said it the first time. Did I come clean? Am I set free? I look up into your face. All you do is stare. Did you understand?
you don't say anything, and that makes me frightened. Yet I can't concentrate on that concept because I just did it. I said it. You know. After all these months...the years. You know. No more secrecy. I've been longing for this day to be over with, to be finished. One more step, and it will all be behind me.
Then you speak. At this time I realize that tears are falling from my eyes. I can't talk, too overcome with emotion, sorrow grief...and was that guilt? Was I.
An explanation comes forth from my own lips through sobs and tears. I need you to understand. I see you hard and resolute. Not a shred of tear cried, which makes me cry harder.
But you just stare at me. The firm line that makes your mouth pursed shockingly...yet not so. and it's like you stare at me with hatred bubbling inside, a black spot of warmth for your child eating at me alive.
I worked hard to stop my tears, which made me feel foolish. How I cry, but you shed not even one little tear?
An affirmation was made. I gain no support, no warmth of love, no consolation...not even a hug. Battle one...yet lost all the same. Heart dead I nod to myself, pick myself up. No longer was my body shaking, now it feels only lifeless. The pounding remained...but it steadily dropped to nothing. My stomach churned, but the storm was passing.
With one surge of effort, I turn to you. "I just thought you should know..." And without waiting for anything else, I dragged my body out of the living room, through the dining room. Into the kitchen, and to my stairs. Silent tears fell and I just felt like crashing, but i continued moving. Up the stairs to my bed, my head in the pillow, body in the fetal position.
The scene replays in my mind. Rewind. Fast forward. Pause. Go. Stop. Your face. Your words. The distaste for what I am. You're absence of support. Your denial. How there was no love, no comfort, no sign of sympathy for your only daughter.
I just couldn't help but cry.
And as the day progressed, I attempted to put it to the back of my mind. They just need time, I told myself. Time can only tell. So ignore it. Wait. See. Feel.
And i felt it. The tension between you and I. The hushed silence. The whispers. The 'I don't want to deal with it right now' kind of feelings. But I ignored it. Falling asleep with only one thought in mind;
My mother knows...
 
Sleep was uneventful. I was scared. Plain and simple. Was that you hiding in the corner of my room? Was that you making those clicking noises? The noises that vaguely sounded like belts ready to whip, hands ready to beat, eyes ready to bore deep into my heart and soul...
But again, to the back of my mind it went. Ignore it. Think nothing. Eyes closed...go to sleep. All will be better in the morning. Just dream of my fantasy world. Have my heart be lifted. My thoughts more less to think...sleep.
 
It was a lie. It wasn't better...even more so was it worse. i couldn't think straight, couldn’t see. My insides were in shambles, heart heavy with regret. I moved through the motions, there physically but mentally somewhere far away.
I walked through the halls almost zombie style, ignoring the stared, the smiles from classmates I've known forever. Do they know? Do they understand why I appear so vacant?
Tears come unwillingly to my eyes. I couldn't suppress the feelings, the thoughts running through my head. Did you hate me? Do you still call me your daughter? Am I still the apple of your eye? Did you tell him? So many questions. So many answers that I couldn't hear, and unbidden the tears came.
They fell while everyone around me laughed, played, joked, talked. They fell as I put my head in my hands and silently screamed in rage. How could you not love me? After all these years? These things I've done to help you, the things you've done for me alone...
No one noticed. If they did, they pretended not to see. Better to ignore the things that were right in front of you, rather than confront it head on...and I cry harder. Part of life, something I just quite don't understand.
And on with the rest of the day. Constantly I thought about you. Your reaction. Your denial. Your vendictness. The absolute fury...but I managed. And as I arrived home, late form work, I pause at your door, just right before I went upstairs. What do i say to you guys? How do I act?
A step up, a pause. Nothing. Another step. Then another. I ascended the stairs slowly, waiting. Waiting for what? For your voice to filter out? Your heart to tell me you love me? You accept me? Really, I'm just trying to hear something I hear every night...a good night. A wish for great dreams...some kind of salutation...
Nothing. I was met with only silence. Crickets chirped as my heart dropped. And slowly, ever so slowly, I moved up, crossed my room, and with no more unconscious thought, lay down in my bed.
What was I to expect anyway? That you would welcome me with open arms? Smile at my situation? Support me and my beliefs? Just like that? When you yourself don't even support the others...a naive child I was! Always thinking on the brighter side!
But now I was pessimistic. I couldn't stop the thoughts. How dead I felt, alone and frightened I was. Would you still talk to me? Or would there be awkward silences? Will you still love me?
I ask, I'm on my knees pleadingly, imploringly, tears streaming, heart tearing...will you accept your only daughter for being a lesbian? Love me for who I am? Continue to care, and to nourish me? Help me find love...happiness?
I roll over in bed, pulling the blankets over me. My head naturally sank into the pillow. And with on last great effort, I cry...only for your love.


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