The Days of Yore

The Days of Yore

Behind the Back Door

By Brent Mason

 

Everyone has a past they want to look back on, whether if it was good or bad, people tend to look back and either miss them or hate them. In my view, my past is something I hate and sometimes disgust over and over.

When I open the back door to my past, I see my younger self. I would tend to walk over to that fellow and tell him: “Look what you did; you shouldn’t have done that, idiot. Go clean it up till they’re satisfied. Fix it till it works again. Say sorry till they forgive you. It was your fault. It was your responsibility”. Then that Arrogant kid would stick his tongue at me and run off.

Responsibility was something I couldn’t handle nor that I could possibly comprehend, that’s why I’ve done many things that I regret. But one thing that I regret the most, is in this little piece of my memory.

 

Back in the days of middle school, I was a mess. I’ve done things that would cause commotion, pain in others, and annoy people. Even though, it was my doing and I’m the one to take responsibility, I never did. I sat in the corner, watching other people clean up my mess. Honestly, it never felt good doing those acts, but I did them anyway.
I would tear up a car because I was mad, put graffiti on walls just because I was bored, look for fights just for the heck of it. I had a lot of stress during those times, and I released them in my own way.

The day I did something that caused the most damage to another person, was the day that I understood what it meant to be over encumbered in responsibility, and on that day…

 

…I pushed my friend out the window.

 

“I committed an act that I regret, but it can’t be taken back

I have a memory I want to wipe out, but I can’t do that.

I just wanted to start over or end everything, but that means I have to die.”

 

That’s what I thought to myself, when I realized what I’ve done to my friend.

I couldn’t believe what I’ve done, and I thought it was all just an imagination. The stress that was angering me, was now hurting me, and the fact that what people have told me and done to me caused even more stress upon me; The way the teacher shouted at me, the way my friend’s mother screamed and insulted me, the way my mother slapped me for what I’ve done.

 

“I just wanted to start over or end everything, but that means I have to die.”

 

But I realized that night, that it was time to change. Rather than staying in one corner and hiding, watching others cleaning up the mess for me, it was time for me to clean it up myself.
I decided to go to the hospital he was sent to and apologize on that very night. Once I found his room, I slowly walked into his room, kneeled, and begged for forgiveness. I didn’t dare to look into his eyes, for I was sure that he was enraged with me. But, the words he said was calm and quiet:

 

“…Can you pray for me?”

 

I slowly looked up, and saw the expression on his face that I thought I would have never seen from him again…

He was smiling.

 

After that day, I was relieved to be forgiven, although all I did was ask for forgiveness, things turned out just fine. Today, when I think about it, I feel as if I should have done something more that just apologizing, something that’ll make me feel fulfilled for taking responsibility, but I didn’t.
I suppose sometimes, a single forgiveness can solve everything. After that day, I decided to fix myself up. I decided to stop all the scandalous acts and shape my self up with actual morals and learning to appreciate the people and things around me. For years now, I’ve been attending the church by my friend’s influence of forgiveness, and decided to be just like he was: No matter how much pain I’ve received, or how much cost one brought to me in life, always forgive the person who is begging for one.

 

When I look at the back door of my life today, I tend to see my younger self.

But when I look at him now, he’s not that arrogant kid I’ve always seen before.

 

Now, he seemed to be a little older than before.