Birds on a Wire Burn Together
Deep in the Pacific Ocean far from the coast of California is a sunken boat called the S.S. Birchwind. Its story begins with its first and last voyage in 1998. The boat’s captain was named Captain Richenburg and his first mate was named C. First mate C’s first name was the actual letter and did not stand for anything, because his parents were hippies; however, C was nothing like them because he was a cat and not a human, yes he could talk and walk on two legs, so he was more of a hybrid kitty-cat.
The day started with a cold July morning on the ship and Captain Richenburg was as usual yelling at all of his crew of seven. Apparently the cook could not cook fast enough, and the farmer could not grow his boat crops fast enough either. The rest of the crew was just stupid so they got yelled at as well. C was also mad at one of the crew who forgot to change out C’s litter box in his office. He started screaming at the crew too, but no one could understand him because he speaks in broken German.
Later he sat down his desk where his daily meal of dead trout is on a paper plate, but he is so mad C punches through not only the fish but the desk as well, and since we all know fish blood is an acid, it begins to burn through the hull of the boat, creating a hole that water begins to pour in from. First mate C rushes to the side of the boat in time to see a hovercraft appear with Lt. Dan driving it. He tells C that he will give him a ride to safety in return for his soul. C has no idea what Lt. Dan said so the puzzled first mate picks up carefully the biggest, wettest sack of fish eggs he can find and throws it at the hovercraft, which expectedly explodes sending Lt. Dan back to Hell where he belongs for the next four years. C contemplates whether he should try to save the crew, but instead walks up to Captain Richenburg, shakes his hand, and cuts him in half with his razor-sharp cat tail. He proceeds to call him a liar in what is believed to be German.
First mate C goes into the captain’s office and takes the briefcase off of the desk, just as he expected it would be. C’s paycheck of fifty-nine dollars was inside of the briefcase. Realizing he needed to make a quick escape, because the rest of the crew was in the disco basement of the boat and God knows disco will not last forever, C power walked to the aft side of the boat where the escape box was located. Inside of the escape box was a pair of dice, which C immediately rolled on the top deck of the boat, and just as he expected not only did he roll two twenty’s but that he also won his game of Dungeons and Dragons. After a quick fist pump C dove into the water and swam for the coast of California, because it is common knowledge that cat-man hybrids are the best swimmers.
The lesson to be learned from this tale is disco along with the crew in this story are dead.
© Copyright 2016 Brian A Garber. All rights reserved.
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