Don’t Step into the Wild You Just Might Find Deadly Salmon
I used to know a guy named Chuck The Warrior. He was not in fact a warrior but he was a game show host. His last name was The Warrior. On this day in 1973 Chuck was hosting the one-hundredth episode of the extremely popular game show, Kill the Mice with the Fishing Pole!, and as the show was just beginning taping a contestant named Franklyn was answering his fifteen opening questions. He knew that if he answered even one question wrong his pet mouse, JoJo, would be killed by Mary the other contestant. Chuck read the final question after Franklyn answered the first fourteen correctly. He said, “The final opening question is: What year did World War II end?” Frankly thought about it for a second and replied: “1975.” Chuck said, “You have got to be the craziest, stupid person I have ever had on this show!” Franklyn then replied, “Was the answer wrong?” “Of course it is” stated Chuck. “Mary, you know what to do.” The other contestant takes her ten foot fishing pole, swings it over her head, and the hook of it catches one of the claws of the mouse that is owned by Franklyn. The crowd begins to cheer very loudly. Chuck tries to quiet the audience, because as many people know mouse silence, or near silence, because of the dangerous elements involved. The mouse begins to fly in circles because it is attached to the fishing line. Spinning at speeds almost too fast to see, Mary decides it is time.
So with one hand spinning the rod the other hand reaches for the knife on the Community Table which she uses to cut the string causing JoJo to fly into the air and then into the hands of his owner Franklyn. Chuck says, “You know the rules.” This meant that Franklyn had to now eat his own mouse. He nodded his head in agreement. However he made a sudden turn towards the door and began to run as fast as he could, but there were two of the biggest, strongest, and meanest security guards money can buy. The real biggest, meanest security guards are Walter and Jay at shopping center in Ashville, North Carolina but they are not corrupt so they work out of the goodness of their hearts.
The one thing the producers of the show did not count on was the two security guards being afraid of mice. So while they wanted to kill the escaping contestant, they were more afraid of the mouse he was carrying, so they ran into the corner of the studio like a bunch of sissies. So Franklyn made a quick exit, which of course made him a fugitive from the law. He jumped into his car and was quickly followed by Chuck and five of the biggest, meanest police officers in the world. There actually are five bigger and meaner police officers but they live in St. Petersburg, Russia and this story takes place in 1973, which of course in that year there was not a way to physically travel from Russia to America making it impossible for them to appear in this story.
The chase lasted for five hours and ended at the most famous lake in America. Franklyn’s car ran out of gas at the edge of the lake, as did Chuck and the police cars. Chuck said, “You’ve got to do it, man.” Franklyn tuned out what Chuck had to say because he knew the crime he was committing by not killing his mouse was punishable by fifteen years in federal prison. Franklyn decided to dive into the lake as he did Chuck jumped in after him as well as the five police officers. By this time the mouse had wrapped its tail around Franklyn weighing him down to the bottom of the lake, and since it is common knowledge game show hosts cannot swim he drowned too and the five police officers could not swim either so they drowned as well. The End. Sorry for the sad ending, but if it makes you feel better they were all bad people because they did not pay their taxes.
The moral of this obviously true story is to pay your taxes, but when you do remember to write-off your mice.
© Copyright 2016 Brian A Garber. All rights reserved.
Short Story / Humor
Short Story / Humor
Short Story / Humor
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