Mommy, Where do Birdbath's Come From?

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

A coming of age story that has a literary background.

Mommy, Where do Birdbaths Come From?


When I was younger my family moved to an apartment complex. Now for those of you who have ever lived in an apartment complex, or visited one, or even seen a picture of one on a postcard knows the most important rule about surviving: Make Friends Fast! Luckily I was able to do this because my neighbor Joshua Barton liked playing with spy stuff just like me. Sorry I went off track from the story, he actually became a spy and got blown up by an exploding fry-cooker while trying to infiltrate McDonald’s to find out what new toys were going into their kid’s meals or something like that.

Anyways, I remember a time when he asked his mom the age old question, “Where do birdbaths come from?” When she did not have an answer for him, he became very upset. I heard he actually took her to court to try to divorce her from his life, and he was only like eight or nine years old. Again I apologize for getting off the intended pathway of this story.

On a bright and clear day Joshua and I decided to go to the most exciting place on Earth, no not an amusement park, the mall, or the sewer, and yes the sewer is a hilarious place to go, but we went to the library to research birdbaths and their origins. We looked for hours, I even asked one of the librarians, but she said I was talking too loud and she could not understand me. Frustrated, I wrote what I wanted to ask her on a sheet of paper and gave it to her. She did not even look at the paper and said, “I can’t read.” I did not know whether to laugh or cry. Then she said, “Oh that will be ten cents for the paper and pen usage.” I pulled a quarter out of my pocket, balanced it on the tip of my finger, and threw it up in the air and yelled, “Keep the change!” I stormed out of the library with Joshua following me.

On our way out of the library I noticed something to my left, a homeless person sitting down reading a book. “Oh great a literary bum.” Joshua said. I smacked him with an ironic backhand. “Do you not know the poorest people are always wealthy with knowledge?” I took two steps towards the homeless man and asked, “Sir, do you know where birdbaths come from?” He replied with, “No…but I know what they are made of.” “What are they made of sir?” I asked waiting for a reply intently. He thought for a second then replied with, “Eggshells, snail shells, burnt orangutan shells, turkey shells, clamshells….” He just kept going on naming random shells so Joshua and I started backing up, but continuing to hold eye contact until we got close enough to my car. We quickly got into my car and on our way out of the parking lot we drove past the homeless man, and as we did so Joshua rolled down the passenger’s side window and threw a three pound bag of ice in the homeless man’s general direction smashing both his hopes and his dreams of a better future. It is common knowledge that ice is the most deadly thing to give to a homeless person. Needless to say I scolded Joshua for his juvenile behavior.

It goes without saying we did not find the origin of the birdbath that fateful day, but as with everyone it is something that you learn when you become an adult.

The moral of this tale is libraries can be scary, but someday everyone has to face their own fears and not runway from them forever.

Submitted: October 13, 2013

© Copyright 2020 Brian A Garber. All rights reserved.

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Add Your Comments:




Ha ha, this was quite amusing :) He was blown up while infiltrating McDonalds? Haven't heard that one before! I'd suggest breaking up the paragraphs by giving a new line whenever someone is speaking, but all in all, it was funny and well written. Good job:)

Sat, January 18th, 2014 11:21pm


Thank you for reading. Enjoy some of my others stories!

Mon, January 27th, 2014 4:45pm

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