Wacky Food

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
The story of food, court battles, and corporate greed.

Submitted: May 20, 2013

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Submitted: May 20, 2013



Wacky Food


I once knew a person who was a chef at a prestigious fast food restaurant called Tanner’s. The chef’s name was Tim I believe, no wait, never mind his name was Ranchero, that’s what it was, how could I forget such a silly name? While all Tanner’s served exactly the same menu, except for the Alaskan one that only serves fish, no fries, no chips, no drinks twenty four hours a day seven days a week, oh and of course the one that Ranchero worked at had a different menu too.

He was employed at the one in Kansas (there is only one Tanner’s in each state, as per federal law). The reason why this one consistently won the Tanner’s Favorite Son award each year was because of chef Ranchero’s signature creation: “bean fried beans with cold chicken nuggets wrapped up in a taco shell.” People would come from all over the world to get a taste of the dish known simply as: “Tasteful Delight.”

Ranchero quickly rose to become the most popular chef in Kansas, then the Midwest, then the United States, the all of North America! Television channels were offering Ranchero shows ranging from cooking shows, sitcoms, and even late-night talk shows, but Ranchero turned them all down, because he claimed he was just doing his job by making his customers enjoy their food, and taking home his five dollar an hour paychecks.

It all came apart one day when the worst possible thing happened: Tanner’s manager Felicity Hungerburger told Ranchero that he must either sell his dish’s mysterious formula or be fired. Ranchero was flabbergasted when he heard the startling news that his one time friend and always boss had betrayed him. This news did not go over well with anyone.

Tanner’s lord and master, which is what they call their CEO: Evan Sparkburger was probably the most furious of them all. Not because Ranchero may lose his job, but because Felicity’s ultimatum had reached the news media. Evan was set to make billions of dollars by selling “Tasteful Delight” in supermarkets, convenience stores, and strip clubs. Sparkburger had to concoct a scheme to deceive Ranchero into accidentally selling the rights to his amazing dish.

By this time Ranchero was a poor man living in the storage closet of the Kansas Tanner’s, because of his suspension from cooking, where he drank water from a mop bucket after he mopped the floor, in fact he grew so accustomed to it he drank it throughout the day all the time. (Fun Fact: before Ranchero’s suspension he actually tried serving the mop water with his dish until the fifth person who drank it died!) The CEO decided to meet Ranchero in person on a fateful day in early to late June, or whenever it was.

Sparkburger arrived in Kansas with his two very good offers. He walked into Tanner’s and walked right to the back counter, “You Ranchero?” He could tell it was him without asking because of the smell of mop water. “Sure am.” He replied. The CEO told him his first offer, “I’ll give you five-hundred dollars for the secret of “Tasteful Delight”. “No, not for sale.” Ranchero said in angst. “How about this.” The scheming CEO started. “I’ll give you complete control of the Tanner’s company…” Before he could finish Ranchero started with, “Yes, and no take backs!” The CEO started laughing saying what an idiot Ranchero was that he could think that he now owned the entire company. Ranchero called his lawyer Ralph, who I do not believe had a last name, who took the case to court. After months of deliberation a lip reader watched the surveillance tape and said, “Yep, Ranchero said no take backs.” The now former owner of Tanner’s, Danny Tanner, stood up and yelled, “This is an outrage!” The judge told him to sit down which he did quickly and quietly.

The moral of this story is that even if you think you can out smart someone never underestimate the power of fate. If you do it could cost you everything, also have a good lawyer on call at all times.

© Copyright 2017 Brian A Garber. All rights reserved.

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