Once Was In Love

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Other  |  House: Booksie Classic
This story is about my first love.

Submitted: February 14, 2009

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Submitted: February 14, 2009



I have been asked several times in my life the question, "Have you ever been in love?" If I close my eyes I can still remember the day that I meet her. Her name was Sarah. She was just starting her freshman year in high school. I was starting my junior year. I knew that if I were to pursue her some people my talk since she was 15 and I was 17, but I didn't care. When I first met her she was wearing a grey sweater that she wore almost every morning. Her hair was as naturally red as can be. Her glasses lay cutely on her nose, slightly pressed down so that she could look at you over them with her incredible green eyes. When she smiled at me I could tell that she was blushing. She had a smile that she would give me that just warmed my heart. That's when I knew that I wanted to be with her.
It took me a month to work up the courage to ask her if she liked me...well rather it took me a month to ask her sister if she liked me. She told me she would find out and tell me when she did. The next day I got my answer. She told me that Sarah did like me but if I wanted anything to happen I needed to talk to her and get to know her. Up until that time I hadn't taken the time to get to know her. I was too scared. I usually just smiled and said hello and she would do the same. But I did notice, however, that whenever we did we both would turn red.
When I walked over to where she was I had no idea what I was going to say. Was there something specific that you're always supposed to say? Does every guy in the world but me know what to say? I wasn't really sure. When I finally got to where she was my mind went blank. I saw that she was standing with my friend Eric who just happened to tell everyone standing around us that Sara had a hole in her pants. This was, in his own weird way, him trying to hit on her I guess. She looked up at me and our eyes meet and I could tell that she was really happy to see me but at the same time she was embarrassed about what Eric was saying and that I had heard it. But rather than laugh at the situation like several other people were doing I simply took off my trench coat and presented it to her saying "here, you can wear this to cover it up." She smiled at me and I smiled back as she took the jacket. She put it on and just looked at it and then looked at me and we both laughed at how big it was on her. After all she was only 5' 7" and I was 6' 6" at the time. She asked me "are you sure you want me to wear this? Aren't you worried that it will get dirty?" I simply replied to her with a smile "that's what dry cleaners are for. Don't worry about it, it's all right. You need it more than I do right now." She smiled at me and said "Thank you." I headed over to Eric who was now talking to someone else. I asked him why he said what he did about Sara and he said that he was flirting with her. So I was right about the flirting thing apparently. I told him to knock it off because it was embarrassing to her. After that I went back to Sara who was now standing by a wall in my trench coat that was 3 sizes too big for her. We talked the rest of the time until we had to go to class.
Over the next several days we continued to talk to each other. By this time it was custom for me to give her my jacket whenever she was cold.  We gradually moved into holding hands and then to me holding her with my arms around her waist. I remember the feeling I always had whenever I held her; it was a feeling like no other. Whenever I held her it felt as if I was protecting her from the world. I truly felt complete when I held her. We were definitely a sight to see, we were always talking and laughing. I always had my arms around her waist. Several times we would just stand quietly with her facing me and we would just hug each other. Those were the times that I felt like my hugs were a comforting feeling to her and that she felt safe with me. It was an amazing feeling. I didn't even mind when her sister and her friends would walk by and point and said "awww, how cute." We were a couple now!
As the days turned into weeks we became somewhat inseparable. The only things that could keep us apart were our classes and being at home. Other than that we were always together. But one thing was missing from our relationship, our first kiss on the lips. Oh sure I had kissed her several times but it was always on the cheek. I guess it was because I believed that the first kiss on the lips was a serious thing and that it had to happen in its own time. I had it all planed out that I would take her to homecoming and kiss her. But sadly she was unable to go to homecoming. Her mother had told her she couldn't go as punishment for staying late after school one day to watch me do play rehearsal. This was very upsetting to me but I wasn't going to let it bother me too much. I just simply needed to find another time to do it. At first I thought hey maybe I could kiss her as a Christmas gift but Christmas was a month and a half away and I didn't want to wait that long for fear that she might start to question why I hadn't kissed her on the lips yet.
One day after school when we were standing together in our usual spot playing our now daily game of "you can't leave yet because I'll miss you too much" (I know it sounds corny but who cares) she looked up at me with this warm look in her eyes. I noticed that her glasses were falling off so I took my finger and pushed them back up. She giggled and continued to look into my eyes. At that moment every alarm in my head went off telling me that this was the moment. I leaned forward slowly and as I did I noticed that she was doing the same. Slowly we moved as if time had slowed down for us but sped up for everyone else. And then it finally happened and our lips finally meet. Though it only lasted for 30 seconds it was one time that I will never forget for as long as I live. While I was kissing her my heart was pounding in my chest. I could hear fireworks going off in my head. It was amazing. After we kissed we gazed into each other's eyes and for a moment it seemed as though time had stopped moving forward for everyone around us. This moment lasted a lifetime in itself. One that I didn't want to end but was immediately ripped away when her sister who had been standing with us the whole time and saw everything just slapped me on the shoulder and said "it's about time." I gave her a quick glare and then focused back on Sara who whispered to me "correction, perfect time."
At that moment I had come to accept that fate had meant for our kiss to happen then. A first kiss shouldn't be about show it should be about strong feelings for the one you are kissing. I'm sure that had I been able to kiss her at homecoming it probably wouldn't have been as amazing. After I made that realization I was snapped back into reality by my director who was yelling me to go to rehearsal. So I kissed Sarah on the cheek, gave her a big hug by picking her up off the ground and spinning her around once and then went to rehearsal. I know what you're probably thinking, why didn't I kiss her on the lips again? Why kiss her on the cheek? Well it’s because I didn't want to ruin the feeling that I had. Too much of a good thing isn't that great.
As the weeks went on we soon came upon Christmas Eve. I had arranged it with both my family and hers that we would spend Christmas Eve together. I was in such an excited mood the entire morning of Christmas Eve running around making sure that everything would be perfect for when she arrived. That afternoon my sister and I went to pick her up. I was greeted at her door by her dog barking madly at me followed by her saying her usual greeting of "hey, you." I loved hearing her say that. It wasn’t like when other people said it. When she said it, it was like she was also saying "hey you. I couldn't stop thinking about you today. It always brought a smile to my face and still does whenever I think back on it and I hear her voice perfectly in my head.
When we arrived back at my grandmother's house, which is where my family always celebrated Christmas Eve I introduced her to the rest of my family who hadn't already meet her. That night I gave her her present which was a mirror that I had made for her. She then took me by the hand and led me into the kitchen. She handed me a small envelop that said AMC 20 theaters gift card on it. I opened it and it read on the inside "To: us. From: Sarah. I told my mom and she said it was ok. You still want to go see a movie? Your choice, Love Sarah P.S., It must be supervised." I looked at her and smiled and then I kissed her and then hugged her and as I was hugging her my cousin walked in and walked right back out.
Later that week we used the card and saw the new Peter Pan movie that had come out, I don't really recall the movie as I spent most of the time looking into Sarah's eyes. I have to admit that it did feel a little awkward having my sister sitting two seats away but I didn't let it bother me too much. After the movie we walked next door to star bucks and Sarah and I shared a drink. One that I later found out she wasn't supposed to have because it could have killed her or at least cause some damage because she had heart problems. I apologized over and over again for that and of course she forgave me.
As the weeks turned into months we came upon Winter Formal. We had both reached the agreement to go. My mother and sister took her and her sister to shop for dresses while I pulled every string I could to be allowed to leave from a leadership camp that I was attending that weekend on that Saturday afternoon and come back the next day. The night finally came. The dance was being held at the Mansion of Orange. It was a beautiful place like something out of a dream. She looked absolutely beautiful in her dress. When we arrived we immediately took our pictures. While we were in line for the pictures I came up with an idea on how I was going to pose. So when it was our turn we went where they wanted us and I told them that I wanted to do a special pose. I got down on one knee and grabbed her hand and kissed it and that's how the picture was taken. It may sound corny but who cares. After that we moved into the dance room and stayed there for about a half an hour. Once we realized that the music wasn't that great we left that room and walked around the mansion. It was very cold that night so I gave her my jacket to wear. We went inside the room where they were serving drinks and we sat down in front of the fire place that had a fire going. It was the perfect setting for what would happen a few minutes later. I heard a slow song playing on the speakers in the room that we were in. It wasn't playing very loudly but it was enough for me to ask her to dance. So we got up and danced for a few minutes. Then we sat back down and I held her closely and rubbed her arm. At the point I decided that now was a perfect time to tell her what I had been feeling in my heart for some time. I leaned forward and whispered into her ear "I love you". She looked into my eyes and said "I love you to." I didn't want that moment to end but sadly it did. After the dance ended I took her home and when I kissed her goodnight she told me that it was the best night of her life. I told her it was the best night of my life to. After that I want home and spent the rest of the night just lying awake in bed playing back the entire evening in my head.
A couple of weeks later one incident occurred that would change everything. She told me that she was a Wiccan. I didn't really have a problem with it but for some reason I couldn't let it go. I knew that it couldn’t work out for a Christian to date a Wiccan since a Wiccan is someone who practices witchcraft but I was very determined to prove that to be wrong. And then the worst thing happened. I told her that technically according to our religions were shouldn't be dating but I wanted to look past that and prove everyone else wrong.  After I told her this I tried to kiss her as she went to class and I noticed that she pulled away as I did so. Later when I asked her about it she told me that we needed to break up and that we shouldn't talk to each other for at least a month. My heart was broken. It took everything that I had inside me not to cry as I walked home. I was doing pretty well until I looked at my calendar and realized that it was our 6 month anniversary that day. At that point the flood gates opened and I just cried. Not out of sadness but out of anger. How could I have been so stupid to say something like that? Not a day goes by where I don't think about where we would be right now if I had just kept my mouth shut about the whole issue.
After that day I didn't go around her because I figured that she needed her space to cool off and figure things out and then we could talk and work out everything and go back to being happy. But about three weeks after we ended things I found her hanging on a friend of mine that I noticed used to flirt with Sarah when we were dating but she told me that she just liked him as a friend. I was so mad. But now that I think back I wasn't mad at her I wasn't even mad at him. I was mad at myself because I knew that somehow that was my fault. I pushed her away and hurt her. I hurt her. I've never thought I could forgive myself for doing that. Ever since that terrible day I have had an empty place in my heart a place that she used to fill. After the school year ended she moved to a new city and school. I saw her a few months later at a game that I was at for school and we talked briefly but then she had to leave.

About a year later we started emailing each other. In one letter I finally broke down and told her what I had been trying to say for months but could never find the right words to say. "I just wanted to say that I am sorry for the way that I treated you when we were together. If I could do it all over again there are a lot of things I would have done to have been a better boyfriend. I would have listened to you better and I wouldn't have opened my mouth about religion. I know this might seem pointless to you for waiting so long to apologize but I just needed to tell you. I hope one day you can forgive." Her response to this came about two months later and it was exactly what I had hoped it would be. "I forgave you a long time ago. I understand that the process of healing comes in different ways for different people, but I'll help you in any way I can. I need you to see that you can be happy with anyone who'll let you. It sounds funny but it's true. If you give that person everything it doesn't mean they'll love you, but if you let them give it to you it will further your relationship. I want to help you move on but I think the only way to find true peace of mind is to seek it in yourself."
She forgave me. She actually forgave me and she opened my eyes to what I really needed to do, forgive myself which I did.
So have I ever been in love? My answer is simple, Oh yes I was in love once upon a time. I guess I still am. I know that I will never stop loving Sarah because she was my first love and those feelings don't go away completely. But I hope that one day I can fill that empty place in my heart. I know it probably won't happen today or tomorrow but when it does I'll be ready. I'll cherish it for ever and try very hard to never let it go.

© Copyright 2017 Brian Cullen. All rights reserved.

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