I am in my 2nd year of college, and I have a 3.6 GPA. For a few more days I am also a Wal-Mart apparel sales associate. I have had a lot happen in my life, but the past few years ended up being too much for me. I’ve crashed, I’ve fallen into a hole that I can’t get out of. I feel like I’m fighting a battle in my head that no one else can see. I want to be the happy, funny, bubbly girl that I use to. I can’t get back to being that girl. In high school I had a lot of friends but after high school ended I drifted away from them. I have pushed everyone away. I even moved an hour away from my friends and family. I have a wonderful boyfriend of a year and eight months, but if I don’t help myself with this depression I am afraid I will eventually ruin what we have.
When I was younger my dad walked out on my mom, sister, and I. I spent my whole life trying to be all that I could be so that I would be able to show him one day what he missed out on. He was living in Florida, and he was doing drugs and getting into trouble with the law. I got good grades, and I have never done drugs. I did all of this because I “needed” to prove that he messed up, that he missed out on a great daughter. I found him online in 2008, I was going to message him but I didn’t know what to say. A few days later my mother was contacted and told that dad passed away on April 1st due to a brain aneurism. You couldn’t imagine how hurt I was. I mean I lived my whole life planning for that one day that I confronted him, I had found him a few days before that and never said anything. Everything was crashing around me as I fell to the floor crying. That is when I started to wonder deeper into the darkness of my life. My senior year I met a guy and fell for him. We were both virgins until we met each other. He left for the military and things went all wrong. I found out that he wasn’t really a virgin when he got with me. Later I found out he was cheating on me when he was away in the military. I felt like a fool. I trusted him… Since then, I have been feeling like I’m not good enough. I wasn’t good enough for my father to want to be in my life and I wasn’t good enough to be treated good by a guy who didn’t deserve me. Right after that horrible break up, my good friend died suddenly of a heart defect. He was too young to die. Everything stopped making sense after that. I got with my current boyfriend and he is such a gentlemen. I still get scared because I can’t learn how to trust anymore. I mean how can I trust anyone. I can’t take another heart break but I know if I stay like this I am going to make that happen.
I have gotten really depressed. I am a sensitive person and I am also very empathetic. I need to get out of this depression because if I don’t I don’t know if I can make it. I’m scared, and I don’t want to give up on my life, and yes I have felt like that many times. I can’t, I can’t do that, I need to get back to the girl I use to be.
That is the short story of what leads me here today. I need to make a change. I have been taking up yoga. I’m trying to get the “press up handstand” down. J It’s coming along pretty well I must say. I also put my two weeks in at Wal-Mart because it was bringing me down. I need a fresh start at a place where I can make friends my age. I am 21, there is no better time to start living then now.
Please keep with me on this blog. I want to be heard, and I will help you back if you just ask.
“Live for today, because you don’t know if you will get a tomorrow”
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