My Deepest Thoughts

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
My deepest thoughts, and how i feel about life.

Submitted: December 01, 2007

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Submitted: December 01, 2007

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i wish i could be more sympathetic,
i wish i could be more giving,
i wish my heart could be bigger,
and sweeter, and less broken
the truth is... i wish i was
a different person all together.
I've got someone looking up to me
and it feels great but in some way
i feel ashamed, i feel like
no one should look up to me,
why would anyone wanna be like me?
i have skeletons in my closet,
i have secrets and fears that no one
know's about. I dont like sharing my
feelings cause i dont want anyone to
see me cry. So i hold it in, i'm wondering
when and how it's all gonna just pour out.
I dont want to hurt anyone but
i do it all the time, without even knowing it,
i try to watch what i say and how i say it
but it never seems to work. I have cuts that wont
heal, because they are so deep and they're all
on my heart, they hurt, i cry but they still
wont go away. They make me not trust,
i want to trust but i just cant,
i've been stabbed in the back so many times.
I'm so scared i wont ever trust again.
I think to much about stupid things,
things that an average person would just brush off
they're shoulder, and go on with they're day.
And on the outside i do that, but on the inside
i cry. People think i'm a tough person, a person
that wont take crap from anyone and a person
that would knock your lights out if you rubbed
me the wrong way, but all that is just a mask
that i put on, because im afraid someone
will, rub me the wrong way.
I'm scared of what i might become when i'm older
i dont want to be like my mother, depending
on some man that doesnt care about me
i have always wanted to be independent
but now i'm in-love and i see how fast i fall,
i tell myself that i'm not like my mother
that i wont fall for what she fell for,
but what if i do?
I turned my back on the world for God,
it felt weird, it almost felt like a hole
in my heart had been filled, but i didnt
want to feel that good, i dont think i deserve
that, so i turned my back on God,
i wish you could have both, but you just cant.
I tend to blame other people for things that i brought
on myself. I have so much anger built up inside of me
for the people that i should love the most.
My father doesnt exsist to me, it happened so
fast i dont even remember.
I guess it made me stronger right?
Or did it just make me hate even more?
I feel bitter and cold, but i'm not.
I have expectations for life,
but life is what makes me feel bitter and cold.
Life throws so many punches, it's like your in a boxing
match with yourself, but you just keep getting wounded
and it doesnt leave you enough time to heal before
the next punch is thrown, it's like when your born
the bell rings and it's on till you die.
I want to stop it, i want to help other people
i want my life to mean something.
So what do i do now?
I'm not emo, so dont go judging me.
I'm just a teenage girl that wants more
out of this world.


-Brittney Jordan

 


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