Close to Heart

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Romance  |  House: Booksie Classic
How every girl deserves to feel. Loved. Appreciated. Cared for.

Submitted: December 05, 2015

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Submitted: December 04, 2015

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I ignored the slight coarseness of his shirt as he held me close to his chest, his body was warm as he held me close to him in the back of his Grand Cherokee. The weather outside was below freezing and with the engine off the only way to stay warm was to huddle close underneath a blanket together. Not that we minded. The cold just gave us an excuse to get closer to each other. Making more physical contact. Taking off our coats and shoes may not have been the best idea, but it was worth it to be able to huddle closer to him. Take in his body heat and feel his body up next to mine as I rested my head  on his shoulder with his arm wrapped around me to keep me close. We lay there to talk for hours, re-adjusting ourselves every now and again to get comfortable after staying still for too long, also to ensure no one was hogging the blanket.

I had been upset earlier that evening when he texted me, easily able to tell by my response that something was up.

“Are you okay?” he texted me earlier that evening. I looked at my phone teary-eyed and curious. How did he know?

“I’ll be fine.” I answered, I didn’t know if I should tell him about how I was feeling. The fact that I had been crying ever since the walk home after my night classes because I wasn’t sure if we should keep whatever this was between us going. We were dating. Yet not dating. Dating without the “boyfriend” or “girlfriend” label. We both liked each other. A lot. But he wasn’t really in a position to enter into a committed relationship. We were both seniors, we were going to graduate in just a few months. He knew what he was going to do after high school. I wasn’t so sure. I had no job. No driver’s license. And spent whatever time I had either at school or out with my horse. He had two jobs and his own vehicle. After graduation, whether it be in 6 months or 3 years, he was going to join the Coast Guard. For 4 years. Which as much of a turn on as that was, it made things a little complicated, and I didn’t want to go through the pain I’d gone through in past relationships. I was scarred from them, and I was well aware of it. I was scared of getting hurt. Again.

“What’s wrong?” I pondered between held back sobs whether I should even text him back. And despite the fear I felt of opening up to him, exposing both myself and the pain I felt, I responded.

“Nothing. Just forget I said anything.” He didn’t like my answer.

“Why…?” I hesitated before deciding to text him back.

“I just keep doing this to myself.”

“Doing what..?” I almost laughed a little, I kept telling him to leave it alone. And he just seemed to want to know more. I knew he cared, but I didn’t know he cared this much.

“Didn’t I just say to forget I said anything..?”  There was a brief moment between this text before he finally responded.

“Yes, and it just makes me more worried because you won’t talk to me about it.”  I was a little shocked. I know people care about me. But to have someone, especially like him, only after spending time together maybe a total of three times, cared enough about me to become worried.

After talking a bit more, and still not giving him a verbal answer as to what was really upsetting me, he came and picked me up. Not to pester me or ask me questions if I didn’t feel comfortable telling him. But just to be there with me. To comfort me. And to help me feel better.

Along the drive he’d figured out for himself what I was upset about, through reading between the lines and my expressions when he put the idea out into the open. Glancing between me and the road. He drove out into an open spot to park, both of us moving into the back to lay down. Snuggled close under a warm blanket in the back of his car on a cold winter night. He didn't expect me to talk, he didn't pester, he was just there. Holding me.

"I'm here. If you ever need anything. If you don't want to talk about what you were upset about that's fine. But you can talk to me." I closed my eyes and nestled closer to him as he laid on his back and me on my side, facing him, with my head rested against his shoulder as his arm wrapped around me. 

I didn't want to open up, I was so scared. But he seemed to earnestly care so much about me, he wanted to make sure I was alright. I just didn't want to get hurt again like I had had happen so many times before. Every guy who had told me they cared, told me they loved me, and told me they'd always be there. All those guys had left. Leaving a long tearing scar in my heart. Only making it harder and harder for me to trust the next one to come along. And even harder to trust myself. 
Do they really care? Or are they just saying that to make me feel better? Or to get something from me? I chose to trust the last guy and got burned. Should I trust my gut instinct again and let this guy see behind my walls? Risking getting hurt all over again and maybe even worse? See my true heart? My true self? How truly vulnerable I really am despite my big walls and tough acts? Or should I keep him in the dark so he can't hurt me as badly? 
 
 
 


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