Call Me Michelina Mama

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Back when I was still in law enforcement a few years ago, my duty schedule allowed me enough time to work a part time job, so I looked around and found one working for Winn DIxie Bakery department... but I had to dress the way they wanted.. since generally fat chicks should not wear white pants, I didn't own any.... This is the story of my quest...

It was rather comedic.

Submitted: July 19, 2007

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Submitted: July 19, 2007

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Ok, yes there are quite a few jokes to be made . . . but it could be worse. I wanted a stress free job, as a part ime job to work on my off duty days. I have now been hired to work at the local Winn Dixie store, in the bakery department. It seems to have a great schedule for me, and so I was really looking forward to working in this smooooothe rolling stress free new arena.

Here is how my first day dealing with this low stress environment went. I worked my 12 hours of duty friday night. I was scheduled to attend Winn Dixie orientation class at 10 am Saturday and then to work my shift Sunday and Monday, I got off duty at 7 am, came home, showered, put on fresh makeup, changed clothes into nice jeans and a blouse and left to go to Winn Dixie to drop off paper work and pick up a form I needed to take with me. On my arrival it is 8:15 am, with plenty of time to spare (so I thought I could go get breakfast and sit and read a paper) I exchange the documents and at that time I am asked why I am not in uniform? For what? For orientation? I don't have a uniform, I thought I got that tomorrow for my first day at work, I havent even bought the white pants yet. ""oh noooooo you have to wear them today. they did not give you a shirt or a nametag yet?" Ummmmm nooooooo they did NOT. And I am not at all excited about wearing them because ya know, without being too vulgar, there are certain times for women, due to uncontrollable mother nature issues, that wearing white pants, is well, to do so is risking great humiliation that most women avoid the potential of, but hey for the sake of WINN DIXIE, that is a risk I must be willing to take, no reason to stress over it.... right?

So off she rushed to get those two items and I wonder where the heck am I gonna find white pants at 830 in the morning? Fat girls like me dont even buy white pants, it is a forbidden law of nature, surely merchants know that - it makes our ass look like a freightliner. She brings me a shirt all pressed into a plastic square and I am glanding at the form (shirt must be neat and WRINKLE FREE) well that aint gonna happen I thought. . . I get the all important noble NAMETAG and off I rush to WalMart to search for the mandatory "white pants" which must be fitted, no elastic or scrubs type allowed. This is where the thought hits me, OMG I am going to look like the female version of the Michelin Man, just call me Michelina...

As I drive like a maniac through morning traffic, noooo, not a bit of stress.

I run into the store on a mission, speed shopping like a contestant on "Shop till you Drop" with turbo boost. No white pants, no white pants, no white pants... I chant as I rummage along... WHITE PANTS !!!!! No, white capris.... back to the form - nope not allowed. . . . no white pants, no white pants, no white pants . . . WHITE PANTS !!!!! Nooooooo, stretchy acrylicy knit material . . . back to the form - not allowed - must be cotton blend. DAMMIT. . . no white pants no white pants no white pants . . . WHITE PANTS!!!!! Oh Hell NO, size 11. @#!!&%#@#!!!!! I give up, out the door to the car. Not feeling the least bit stressed at, 847 am.

Now might be the time to mention, the orientation, is not local, it is in Brunswick, 40 miles away . . . see how the time is important now? Back in the car. . . the phrase "bat out of hell" comes to mind. Bat in a red blazer, looking - for white frigging pants..... zoom a few miles down the road towards the interstate, zip into Kmart, 851 am.

White paaaaaaaaaaants, white paaaaaaaaaants. . . in the store, no white pants, no white pants, no white pants. . . WHITE PANTS !!!!! Nooooooo, white capris..... again. GRRRRRRRRRR. . . no white pants, no white pants, no white pants WHITE PANTS!!!!!! Noooooooo, really long white shooooooorts (looking at the form . . . nooooooo NOT ALLOWED. Imagine that. And then. It happened. Across the isle, I spotted my redemption. . . . oh sweet bliss and soaring spirits uplifted . . . . A whole circlular rack of the fabled WHITE PANTS !!!! I glide over almost waving my arms in a "sound of music" prance floating across the span of about 10 feet. I began to search the the sizes and it dawned on me slowly that something was just, wasn't right as the numbers did not add up. And my heart sank to my stomach as I discovered I was fully engulfed in fat chick fashion hell, tormented by the taunting ghosts of warbrobe divas everywhere. I WAS IN THE ""MISSES"" SECTION !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I felt like collapsing on the cold tile floor, a pair of pants twisted in each hand, face distorted in anguish turned up towards the flourescent lights, wailing to the top of my lungs DAMN YOU SKINNY LITTLE BITCHES.....

((deep sigh)) but , time was of the essence, no time for such a display, that would be such drama, and stress, which I after all, am trying to avoid.... right?

Composure regained, I bolt out the door, and decide, well I will just go home and call the store mgr and tell him I could not find any white pants, so sorry for the misunderstanding, but really I had not been informed of the need for them today, so what am I to do. They wont let me in the all important orientation without the right white pants . . . . cause you know all bakery people must look as close to family members of the pillsbury dough boy as possible.....

At the light, there I sit fuming, at 901. And WTF !!!! this car flies past me as I am sitting first in line at the red light. I mean this nit nearly ripped off my side mirror, driving on the side median and busted through the red light. Ooooooooh nooooooo. Not today buddy. Light turns green I floor it. I am doing ooooh about 80, in a 45 and catch up to her, I follow the vehicle through a half dozen turns and stops, and it pulls up to this place she jumps out with a cell phone to her head, I jump out and ask "what the hell is wrong with you?" she is crying, and people in the house are carrying on I can hear them all the way outside . . . blah blah blah, people in hysterics, someone on floor, possible stroke. . . ambulance coming down the road. . . I say ok help is on the way, wanted to see if I could help with anything and to make sure you were ok . . . (yeah frigging right) What good would she have done those people if she had been in a head on wreck on the way there? Adrenaline now racing in anticipation of the possible confrontation which would have incurred had it not been what it was . . . I am sooooooo relaxed, really, no stress at all. 904 am

Arrive at the house, 906, call store mgr, he says no worries, wear black pants like the cashiers wear, if they have any problems with it just have them call him. GRRRRRRRR. Quick change, black pants, folded creased white shirt (oh well) out the door and on the I by 9:13. I can make it, I get on by the house at exit 3, have to get off at exit 38, turn right, 3 lights down turn right, next light turn left. I CAN DO THIS. . . . No stress at all.

85 and 90 miles MPH hour on I95, no biggie, mostly in my own county till the 29 mm then only 9 miles in the next county . . . nothing to be concerned about. Looking up ahead what is that idiot doing parked so close to the inside median edge of the highway? damn someone is gonna hit him, good thing his car is a bright color, let me scoot over to the middle lane so I dont rock his little blue car with the draft I am surely creating in my BRIGHT RED BLAZER. . . . What is that man doing standing right by his car like that? Sooo dangerous, just propped up over the roof of his car . . . I squint my eyes, what is that he is holding in his hands over the top of the car???? I try to focus as I am approaching quickly (duuuuh I am doing almost 90) UH OH, that aint no blowdryer in his hand. And as I whisk on by his pretty little blue HIGHWAY PATROL CAR I am sure he just ducked into his vehicle in order to get another bite of his breakfast, or perhaps a sip of coffee. . . must get thirsty after all with all the dust being stirred up by passing traffic, dont ya think?

I didnt look back, I floored it, and thanked heavens for the flow of traffic behind me which prevented him from pulling out, and the traffic in front of me, which I used as cover when I passed them. Noooooooooo I am coooool as a cucumber, nothing at all to stress about. Making good time, gonna make it after all, might even be a few minutes early, time to pee woooohoooooo. Get off the exit, 9:50, yeah yeah yeah, gooooona make it goooooonnnna maaaaaaaaake it. 3rd light turn right, ooooooh yeah. First light turn left, hey yeah there is a little strip mall, the back of it anyway.... Pull around, hmmmmm. Store store store store store store store store store store store, nooooooo WINN DIXIE. Maybe I missed it, drive around, loop back . . . . Store store store store store store store store store store store, nooooooo WINN DIXIE. Where the ever loving hell is the damn store???

Maybe a little further down, maybe they were wrong about the light count, what the hell was the name of the road I can't remember dont know why i cant remember, I should be able to remember the road name, not like I am stressed out or frustrated or distracted in any way. just a simple little road name. Well I get lost. I stop somewhere and run in, listen lady I am lost I am trying to find a WinnDixie store it has to be near here somewhere.... oh yeah hunnie there is one right down the road, OH BLESS YOU BLESS YOU YOU AWESOME SUPER KNOWING ONE THANK YOU FOR YOUR GUIDANCE YOU HAVE SAVED THE DAY!!!!!!!

Jump back in the cherry and off again. . . In three minutes (at 1003) I arrive, I jumped out got halfway across the parking lot, remembered the ever important NAMETAG and went back got it from the truck, and rushed in. Funny how I look dressed like everyone else here, even funnier how they all look at me like who the hell are you? I go to the clerk and the customer service desk, she informs me that I am at the WRONG WINN DIXIE, she thinks. Just shoot me. She sends me to the bakery, since that is my division, to check with them. Yes, they confirm that I am at the wrong store, but the other store is just up the road, about 4 minutes away, they will call them and let them know I am on the way. I dart to the bathroom, and when I emerge they are still on the phone, with the store mgr over there at the right store. he has gone back to where the orientation is taking place, and will be "right back" tick tock tick tock, 10:10 he comes back on the phone and says. She cannot come to orientation. She is late, she will be 15 minutes late by the time she gets here, it will disrupt the classs and is not permitted. OMFG. You people are bullshitting me right? I have been up all night on duty, I am staying up just to drive 40 miles here to this thing after running around like a maniac for WHITE PANTS which by the way you see I am NOT wearing at the moment, and now I cannot attend the class because of 15 lousy minutes? What could possibly be so vital to performance of my duties that would be irreplaceably lost information provided ONLY in those first 15 minutes? SHOOT ME NOW.

And so I leave. Pissed off, looking over my shoulder like a kicked dog, reluctant to leave but knowing I cannot stay. POUTING in every sense of the word. I know I had to look like a four year old that was finshing up a tantrum. I felt, defeated. I get back to my Winn Dixie, and I go to the store mgr, and I say "Listen, today just aint happening" He wonders why, and so I tell him what has transpired. Unfortunately while sharing this story with him, we are standing in the middle of the frozen foods isle and part of my story contains the phrase ( ""and those dumbasses that I work with at the Sheriffs Dept gave me the wrong directions"" ) at which he glances around to see if any nearby customers overheard. . . also note right here that I happened to be wearing my sheriffs office jacket at the time that little comment slipped out. I immediately on some subconscience level comprehend """oooops that was not good"""" but at this point, I dont really care.

He tells me not to worry about it, we will just reschedule for the next orientation, but I cannot work my scheduled hours until I have completed this orientation, sooo I ask him, "so you are sure you do not want me to work and be here tomorrow or Monday for the hours I am scheduled?""" he says Noo we would get in trouble if we did that, you have to to go the orientation first. So get with your dept mgr on Monday and find when the next class is. I said ok, and I left.

Now I will jump ahead to the next day, about the time I should have already been at work, and I get a call, from the bakery wondering why I am not there so she can go home... well I am not there because Mr Store mgr told me not to be there, because of what happened yesterday with the orientation class, did he not tell you? I am put on hold. Mind you, at this time there is lightning popping everywhere outside, my phone pops and crackles each time, so now after already having been deprived of my hours for the entire weekend because of this fiasco, I am at risk of electrocution in order to relay this information to someone that should have already been informed? Geeeeez. No need to stress about that, I am sure that maiming by lightning would be quick and painless, and that the reflection of my being an apparent "no show" to my new bakery pals will eventually be over come with my charming personality.....

Yep, I mean after all, thats why I wanted this second job, so that I could work, on every one of my off duty days, being productive, in a stress free environment.

Did I mention the sexy hair net? Oh yeah I am sooooooo cool, I am the MICHELINA MAMA. All you guys, hold on to those flashback fantasies of the lunch room ladies. .. admit it, you know ya got em.


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