Confessions of my Younger Self

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Young Adult  |  House: Booksie Classic
Looking back on my life when I was younger and living at home.

Submitted: February 17, 2016

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Submitted: February 17, 2016

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Please don’t scream, please don’t yell

You’re not just hurting, I know too well

I’m breaking, I’m crying, I tell you now

I don’t even care if you made a vow

God doesn’t care, he’s in the gutter

I can hear you in there, I hear every mutter

Every cry and every shutter

I stutter and stagger, I can’t speak

You scare me to death, I can barely weep

I’m just a little boy, can’t you see

Just look at everything you’re doing to me

I don’t want to go – you’re kicking me out

Don’t complain about the one child you have left

I stood by you for every day that he was gone

I sat through every night of fear

And helped you through every shed tear

You’re no better, keep an eye on your temper

You break her now and I’ll break you later

I’ll make you scream and cry and you won’t know why

You don’t see the world that way, you’re blind

You go about your day like an idiot, ignoring the signs

The signs pointing to my crazy insanity

And you don’t care – as long as I’ve got Christianity

If there’s a God, I hope he strikes you down

You’re no saint, you’re a sinner

I don’t live in fear of God; I’m no fucking winner

I live in hear of the hand, not his hand, but yours

The screams of the names ring in my ears at night

The scars on my arms show the story

The story of a boy who didn’t know what to do

Where to go or how to live

I had the book and that was it

There was no teaching, there was no lesson

I couldn’t handle the surface tension

I went in head first and lost myself in the chasm

The chasm of eternity that rings on me like a scar

I still feel the wounds on my skin and my soul

And nothing can fix them, I will never be whole

There is gaping a hole in my life

And it causes me so much fucking strife

I have my family, well, I’ve got hers

I’ve grown up you see; do you even recognise me

I’ve got the scars but no wounds you asshole

I don’t talk to him, I talk to you both

I’m not your son, I’m not your boy

You can’t blame me for your lack of joy

I left you together, you thought it’d be better

You’re going at each other like fucking cheddar

You can’t take it out on me – I’m not around to see

For once in your life you can face up to your misery

I have that hole, one that can’t be sewn up

I’m a man now – I’m all grown up

I have family with me and a wife to be

None are blood, but they are better to me

The hole I have left is a one for you

It will be your grave, one you will never get through

There is no substitute for birth, no second view

You’re my parents, that is nothing new

But Mum and Dad – those are few

One day maybe, but definitely not with you

For now I have none, but hopefully I will have some

Maybe that will be when I have a son

One I can call mine and love

Not call names and give a shove

I won’t blame him for my unhappiness

Because there will be none

I will love him like I do his mother

Will all my heart and soul

There will never be another

I will never need to have one

Her love is all I need and it’s all I’ve got

And I can tell you now, for all to see

What I’ve got; it’s a fucking lot

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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