Bob and Sue write letters

Dear Sue,

I hope you're having fun in Heaven. Are you able to watch any of your favorite shows up there? I know how upset you get when you miss an episode of “Survivor.” If the cable is lousy, maybe they'll let you switch to satellite. There's no harm in asking. Just don't let anybody push you around. You have the same rights as anyone else.

Have you run into your brother and sister yet? They must be there somewhere, because I've gone through hell down here and I haven't seen them. I remember you mentioned you were looking forward to playing Pinochle with them, so keep looking. After all, you're going to be there forever, and at least it will help pass the time.

Oh, by the way, I want to apologize for losing my temper and strangling you. Honest. But you know me, always flying off the handle over the silliest things!

Please write me when you can,

Your Bob

P. S. You were right about the M and M's. Down here they melt your mouth, your hands, and your digestive tract.

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Robert,

There's no cable service here at all! There aren't even any TVs! I've been trying to figure out what they do for fun since I got here, but so far it's been nothing but a lot of sunsets and rainbows. I am SO bored!

Why did you have to lose your temper anyway, that's what I'd like to know? You think it was easy being married to you, always blowing up over the stupidest things!? I mean, really, what does it matter who gets to use the remote? Now I'm stuck here. If I have to hear one more harp, I think I'm going to explode!

No, I haven't tracked down Mike and Diane yet. Believe me, I've tried. You really should try looking again. Doesn't that Lucifer guy have a list or something? And what makes you think they're in Heaven , anyway? They were always little devils to me when we were kids. If they're walking around with wings, I'd be shocked.

I knew your food would suck. Serves you right. You had a good thing going with me and you blew it. Well, whatever. Just remember, don't let anyone talk you into trying the hot sauce.

Write me back soon. And this time, don't take three weeks to do it.

Sue

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Dear Sue,

Well, at least you don't have to sleep on a bumpy mattress like I do. You use white fluffy clouds or something, right? Man, what I wouldn't give for a decent pillow.

I did say I was sorry about killing you, so lay off, will you? Don't I have enough to worry about without you laying a pile of guilt on me? There's these imps running around down here, playing practical jokes all of the time. I hate that! One of them slipped lava into my breakfast cereal! Can you believe that shit!? If I ever catch one of them, I'll break its scrawny little neck.

Okay, I'll look for Mike and Diane again. There's no way I'll get anything out of Lucifer, though. He's a total asshole. I tried talking to him once, you know, just to try to be nice, and he spit right on my brand new shirt! I just about lost it, right there, but I controlled myself. I've heard if you get on his bad side, he can make your time here a living hell.

Yeah, I do miss your cooking. Everything is so spicy here! And no matter how much you eat, you always still seem to be hungry. Oh well.

I'll try to write more often, I promise.

Bob

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Bob,

Two months this time, seriously? What, are you having so much fun that you can't take five minutes and write? Oh, I know, you've got some “hot” girlfriend you're seeing now, right? You know, you haven't changed a bit. You're the same fat jerk you were when you were alive.

Anyway, I ran into Mike and Diane after all. They're just as terrible at cards as I remember. Ha! I took them for $150 last Saturday night. What a couple of losers!

I have to get going. I have mandatory harp practice in fifteen minutes, and if I'm late, they'll have a cow.

Well, take care, I guess. Tell your new girlfriend I think she's making a big mistake.

Sue

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Sue,

What new girlfriend? You know you're the only one for me. Can't you request a transfer or something? I miss you! See what you can do, okay?

Hey, tell Mike and Diane I said “hi.” The only cards we ever play here is poker, but someone always seems to get shot. Hurts like hell, let me tell you.

I have to keep this short too. Somebody just pulled the fire alarm again. God damn imp, I'll bet. Later.

Bob