There is a statistic that states you are more than twenty three times more likely to be in a car crash if you're texting while driving. Twenty three times! A chilling statistic, isn't it? So, for goodness sakes, please don't text and drive. It's not worth it. If you're passing through the Rocky Mountains, and you need to answer a text, pull off to the side of the road first. When you discover there is no side of the road, and your car is hurtling down the side of the mountain, turning into a sickening, twisted mass of flaming metal, take comfort that when you reach the bottom of Sudden Death Gorge, at least you didn't text unsafely.
Now that you know the dangers of texting while driving, it's time I tell you what else you shouldn't do behind the wheel. Trust me on this one, you should never try to roast marshmallows with your cigarette lighter while driving down the interstate. Especially when changing lanes at rush hour. When those tasty treats catch on fire, they melt, flowing like lava from a volcano, directly into your lap. And whatever you do, don't be tempted to put out the fire with your scalding cup of freshly brewed coffee, no matter how much pain you're in.
Here's some other things you should never do while driving. You should never shave, shower, pluck your eyebrows, apply deodorant, or gargle. That should be done in the privacy of your own home, behind closed doors, and not while driving drunk down a gravel road at seventy miles per hour. In fact, I can't think of one thing that you should be doing while driving drunk down a gravel road at seventy miles per hour, other than stopping at the side of the road, getting seriously ill, and passing out in a cow pasture. But be warned, you may think you've found the world's most comfortable pillow, but you probably haven't.
Similarly, you should never attempt to do your taxes, read a book, solve a crossword, or any other kind of puzzle for that matter. Especially not one of those Sudoku black holes. They're impossibly frustrating, and cause drivers to swear uncontrollably, and beat their heads against the windshield. Honestly, if you feel you must beat your head against the windshield, pull off to the side of the road first. You're now safe to beat yourself unconscious, if you want to. People will understand. Simply show them your torn and bloody book of Sudoku puzzles. They'll smile and nod. Trust me.
I sincerely hope this has been helpful. Feel free to share my advice with your friends. If they want to read this for themselves, that's fine with me, as long as they don't do it while they're driving. That would really piss me off, and since I'm driving while I'm writing this, I really need to avoid any unnecessary road rage. Thanks.
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