Please Stop Making Those Noises!

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic

Sometimes I get annoyed. Not as often as this may imply, but sometimes.

The human body makes all sorts of noises, and I have to admit almost all of them annoy me. It took a bit of effort, but I think the following covers just about all of them.

Many people wouldn't consider speaking a noise, but for some, that's exactly what it is. I think most of us would agree, if speaking is to be actual communication, it has to be about a subject that someone in the universe cares about. If you're going to drone on and on, speaking for five hours without taking a breath, I'm asking you to make sure it's about a subject that's at least a teeny, tiny bit interesting. Please!

Which brings me to singing and whistling. They're supposed to be pleasant, musical experiences, aren't they, and not a toneless, wandering series of noises? Here's an idea for you; find a song that you like and then learn it! Then you can sing and whistle it all you want. I may even listen to you.

I haven't any issues with someone clearing their throat if they need to. If that's the only way you can talk or sing in a clear and pleasing manner, by all means, clear your throat. But if you are going to do it, you sure as hell better not talk like Harry Carey afterwards. The clearing your throat noise is for clearing your throat, not for moving your phlegm onto your vocal chords.

Everyone seems to swallow in the same exact way: The food goes in, it is chewed, and then it's swallowed. Simple, quiet, I have no problem with the act of swallowing. But I do with chewing. A major problem with it.

I understand you have to chew your food. It's whether or not you chew with your mouth open that I'm concerned with. If you're chewing a piece of gum or eating a meal, doing it with your mouth open is one of the grossest, rudest, and most disgusting noises you can possibly make. Chew with your mouth closed. I don't care if you are dressed impeccably, have perfect table manners and an Ivy League education, if you chew with your mouth open you leave everyone with the impression you're trailer trash. Chew with your mouth closed. You might claim that's the only way you can enjoy your food. You might say you can't breathe through your nose, so you have to chew with your mouth open. I don't care. It's disgusting. Chew with your mouth closed. Have I made myself clear? Good.

Although breathing makes little noise at all, I feel it's important I mention it as well. Breathing with your mouth instead of your nose automatically makes you look like your IQ is fifty points lower. Just thought you should know.

I've never been annoyed by the sound of someone crying. If a person is so emotionally upset that they end up crying, I'm not going to pass judgment on them. I've cried a few times myself, and sometimes it just has to be done. But laughing is another matter.

When a person laughs at something another person does or says, the laughter is a gut reaction to something funny. I don't have a problem with that. If it is truly funny and another person is present, that person should laugh. It's natural.

What drives me bug shit is when someone laughs at themselves each time they think they've said something funny, as if they're saying to everyone in the room, “I just said something that I thought was amusing. I hope you thought so too. Oh gosh, why doesn't anybody like me?” Maybe it's because you're annoying the hell out of everyone you talk to whenever you open your God damn mouth! I'll give you a helping hint. The surest way to know if what you just said is funny is if someone else laughs. If they're not laughing, it's not funny.

Another kind of laughter I find irritating is the one you sometimes hear at a movie theater that's twice as loud as all the other laughter in the room combined. If you happen to turn and comment to your date, “Who's that mutant hyena in the third row?”, you risk getting a reply something like, “Oh, that's Lulu belle. She's special. Hey, that wasn't a nice thing to say!”

Fine, I'm not nice. Okay, she is special, but she also laughs like a jack ass in heat. Why can't she be special in her own home, so I don't have to listen to her? Then I can pay attention to the dialogue of the movie instead of having fantasies of committing homicide. Or maybe she could learn to laugh a little bit more like a human being. Just a thought.

Coughing, sneezing, and yawning I group together because they're involuntary noises. From time to time they happen and there's little we can do about it. However, I believe how we make these noises is up to us. For example, if there's a tickle in your nose and you feel a sneeze coming on, choose to sneeze as quietly and politely as possible. There's no reason to add any additional vocalization. It doesn't have to be a booming, explosion of sound. Just sneeze and get it over with.

I feel the same way about yawning. In fact, a yawn can be so quiet it barely qualifies as a noise. If you are in a room full of sleepy people, you can choose to yawn silently, or you can piss everyone off by yawning like a water buffalo. The choice is yours.

Sniffing and blowing your nose are also noises that can be paired together. I admit, I do both and I notice how irritating it can be to other people. What I often hear is, “Why don't you blow your nose for God's sake! That sniffing is driving me crazy!” I usually go off and blow my nose at that point, but then go right back to sniffing, just to spite 'em.

I've been told I don't snore. I have to trust my wife on that one because I always happen to be asleep when I'm not doing it. Just like she has to trust me when I tell her she snores like a freight train. Her snoring wakes me up, so I feel justified waking her up to get her to stop. Then I can get a little sleep until she starts again. That's how we used to spend our restless nights together, waking each other up over and over. One day I came home and found she'd moved into the spare bedroom. I'm sure she rattles the plaster off the walls in there too.

All three of my children can crack their knuckles. I don't know where they acquired the skill, but I noticed a dramatic increase in their practice time once they realized they were driving their parents insane. Now I've found out my son can also crack his neck, and it wouldn't surprise me if one day his head gets stuck sideways. He won't be able to blame me. I told him to stop.

Hiccuping doesn't bother me at all, unless you tell me about it and expect me to feel sorry for you. In all likelihood, by the time you talk to me, you've already been hiccuping for six hours. You don't need to tell me, I've been watching your body spasms. And don't think about asking me for a cure. There is no cure. You hiccup until you stop. Live with it.

I have a theory about the stomach growling noise. I don't think it's coming from the stomach at all. If the noises inside of me are any indication, I'd say they're coming from another location; the intestines. The noise has nothing to do with a hungry tummy, and everything to do with an event that will be happening later on. You guessed it, I'm talking about the fart.

Farts have the potential to assault both your hearing and your sense of smell, although people seem to find that noise the most embarrassing of all the ones humans can make. Folks will go through amazing contortions to make their farts silent. Some people will squeeze themselves tight so it will come out in a hiss, and others will sit and try to do the one cheek sneak, since they know, sooner or later, someone is going to smell it.

I really don't find the noise itself all that offensive, but then I'm a guy. Since we were little kids, guys have always enjoyed finding the different parts of their bodies that can make farting noises. One of the classics, of course, is the arm fart, where you cup your hand into your arm pit. It doesn't end up sounding a lot like a fart though. A more realistic, and much louder, farting noise can me made simply by blowing on your upper arm, or any other part of your body you can reach. You can even use a body part of a passing friend, if you can get away with it.

The holiest of holy farting noises around my house is called the spoot. We first started making the spoot noise when we diapered our children. After they were changed, and everything was sweet and clean, we would place our mouths on their big soft bellies and blow. As parents, we found great entertainment in the sound. Sometimes they enjoyed it and sometimes they didn't, we really didn't care.

Now that I'm older, I can care less if anyone hears my farts. It's going to come out anyway, so I might as well let 'em rip. Plus, it's a great way to separate your friends from all the other stinkers. Your friends will stay by your side, even if they can't breathe.


Submitted: November 22, 2014

© Copyright 2021 brucek. All rights reserved.

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Comments

Mike Stevens

Bruce, since you can't see me, I'm laughing like a hyena at this, but I know that upsets you, so I'm keeping it hidden. I woldn't want to piss you off. I know laughing at your own stuff is pissoffable, but I won't tell!

Sat, November 22nd, 2014 7:11pm

Author
Reply

"Pissoffable?" Would you PLEASE stop inventing words! I have a hard enough time with the words I already know!

Sat, November 22nd, 2014 11:25am

B Douglas Slack

Well done, Bruce. I've been wearing hearing aids now for almost 20 years and EVERYTHING gets amplified by them. A fart sounds like a balloon being let loose to fly around the room. A loud laugh makes me want to go over and stuff the person's head down their throat (I know, that's not anatomically possible, but I wish it was). Restaurants that seem to think that boosting their sound system to the point of pain is a way of hurrying people through their meals - and it works. If I can't get them to turn the damn thing down, then I get up and leave - without paying the bill if I can get away with it.

Sat, November 22nd, 2014 7:15pm

Author
Reply

Can't you turn the damn things down? By the way, hearing aids will soon by my future as well and I've been thinking about how I want to deal with it. My latest thought is to special order them in bright neon colors, so they become a conversation piece instead of something an old guy has to wear. Anything for a laugh.

Sat, November 22nd, 2014 11:32am

Joseph Mark

Nice story! Sometimes it is the "little" things that get on people's nerves. "Was it something I said?"

Sun, November 23rd, 2014 8:34am

Author
Reply

Thanks Joseph! This is what I'll be like in twenty years or so. Griping about everything.

Sun, November 23rd, 2014 6:23am

Vance Currie

Until I read this story, I didn't realise what a noisy bugger I could be. It makes me want to cry. BWAAAHHH! Oops, hope you didn't hear that.

Sun, November 23rd, 2014 9:43am

Author
Reply

I did, and it's okay. But would you please wipe the snot off your nose, it's grossing me out!

Sun, November 23rd, 2014 6:25am

Chris Green

I enjoyed reading this Bruce. It was nice and quiet here because I must have said something out of place and my partner is not speaking to me this morning.
Regards
Chris

Sun, November 23rd, 2014 10:24am

Author
Reply

I'm sorry to hear that. Did you get to sleep in? (always looking for the silver lining!)

Sun, November 23rd, 2014 6:27am

VampireToLove

Bruce this is really funny! I never noticed how annoying so many things can be! great job man!

Mon, November 24th, 2014 1:34pm

Author
Reply

thank you! I'm not annoyed ALL the time. Glad you liked it!

Mon, November 24th, 2014 7:00am

Irwinagain

Another fine observation Bruce and I have to confess that I have one of those terrible digestive systems that takes great pleasure in announcing to the world that it is hungry and building up huge pockets of gas ready to explode out at the most embarrassing moment. And I really am an old fart, hearing aids (yes two!) and all. An enjoyable write Bruce.

Sat, November 29th, 2014 6:29am

Author
Reply

so do i. gas escapes me from nearly every possible opening. i'm learning who my friends are.

Fri, November 28th, 2014 10:36pm

artie1947

what an explosion on noise, such joviality that I did not think existed, until now, brilliant piece of work.
I am now very conscience of all noises around me, thanks a lot bro.

Mon, December 1st, 2014 1:24pm

Author
Reply

thank you for such a wonderful comment. you typed it a bit too loud though. next time wear mittens.

Mon, December 1st, 2014 8:02am

wily geist

Funny bit. You missed people talking loudly on their cell-phones, as if they are making history chatting with their friends. I think manners is something that is out of vogue to the point, that even a refresher course would not stop people's Three Stooges behavior.

Sun, December 14th, 2014 11:42pm

Author
Reply

I couldn't agree more...urp, excuse me!

Sun, December 14th, 2014 10:11pm

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