The True Story of The Blagonski Family

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Status: Finished  |  Genre: Humor  |  House: Booksie Classic
Toledo was a tough town, and the Blagonski family controlled it. The "Unmentionables" had the grit to take them down.

Submitted: July 12, 2014

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Submitted: July 12, 2014

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In the 1920's, “The Unmentionables” were an elite squad of crime-fighters who took on organized crime in the dirty and not so tidy streets of Toledo, Ohio. The first attempt at infiltrating the Blagonski family was by a tough Irish kid named Mikey Pete. He was to learn as much as he could about their membership, organization, weaknesses, and also whether they laundered their money at home, or at the coin operated place around the corner. Working under the alias of Petey Mike, he spent fifteen months standing on a corner asking shadowy characters if they knew anybody named Louie. Later he was forced to stand in shadowy corners, asking guys named Louie if they thought he was a character. Eventually he changed his own name to Louie and moved to Detroit.

It was in Detroit that Louie met Snitchy Longstockings, the infamous informer who ratted out Bugsy Siegle to Capone. Apparently Bugsy told Snitchy that “Alphonse was the silliest name he'd ever heard, but don't tell him I said so.” At Bugsy's funeral, Louie pumped Snitchy for information about the Blagonski family. For fifty bucks and a pair of tickets to the Tigers game, he learned the Blagonski's controlled the narcotic and prostitution rackets in Toledo, and would do just about anything for some decent polish sausage and pierogies.

Louie was on the next train to Toledo. After changing his name to Mikey Lou, he knocked on the office door of “The Unmentionables,” only to discover they had moved the operation to a janitor's closet in the basement, hidden behind a filing cabinet filled with Groucho Marx disguises. The word on the street was the Blagonski family was feeling the heat, and none of them had ever seen a Marx brothers film. Mikey had always thought Harpo was the funny one, but decided not to say anything.

Mikey laid out his plan to the rest of the team. He had already called Patenka, his sister-in-law in Chicago, and talked her into sharing her recipes for pierogies and kolaczkis. He knew the Blagonski's were desperate for real Polish food, and she made the best he'd ever tasted. She owed him a favor ever since he'd consented to the surgery that separated Johnny, his identical twin brother, from his left hip. He thought if he brought a couple of plates of food to the Blagonski headquarters, they might hire him as their new cook. Their previous one had ended up in the hospital after using too much salt. The rest of “The Unmentionables” liked the idea, and even helped him in the kitchen, though they refused to take off their Groucho glasses.

Mikey's plan worked to perfection. He was hired on the spot, and was even introduced to Gorbena Blagonski, the freckled, buck toothed niece who was considered the beauty of the family. Aside from her hair growth problem (the hair on her legs was longer than the hair on her head), he thought she was quite attractive, especially when the lights were off and he had locked himself in the bathroom.

Now that Mikey was “inside” the family, he secretly gathered information about its members. It turned out Boleslaw Blagonski wasn't Polish at all, but actually a German tap dancer that happened to enjoy wearing tan polyester slacks and sideburns. He was discovered one day digging in their potato garden with Bermuda shorts on his head, so it was assumed he was a member of the family.

He also learned Mama “Masha” Blagonski wore the pants in the family, as well as the suspenders and flannel shirts, whether somebody else was already wearing them or not. In fact, it became a tradition for “Masha” to wear Uncle Poopska on her back on the way to the corner deli, and for him to carry her on the way home.

The one thing Mikey couldn't find during his months of undercover was any evidence of illegal activities. Sure, he discovered where the hundreds of licensed firearms were kept, as well as the family's impressive collection of vintage brass knuckles, but nothing that could be considered illegal. Using coded smoke signals and animal shaped balloons, Mikey was forced to admit to the other members of the squad that he had come up empty.

Back in the basement headquarters, the “Unmentionables” devised a new strategy. They became convinced if Mikey could find some kind of ledger, or possibly a file of ignored statements, they would have a chance of taking the family to court based on a lifetime of unpaid utility bills. Unfortunately no hard evidence was ever found. As luck would have it, several dozen meter readers were able to stage a breakout from the Blagonski attic the following week, which led to the famous trial proceedings we are all so familiar with.


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