Absurd Newspaper Article Contest

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Status: In Progress  |  Genre: Humor  |  No Houses

Write a short article for a small newspaper company. The event that you write about is not a real event.

I don't think that you've heard of Yesterday News, so I'll tell you. Yesterday News is a newspaper company which only reports on fake, absurd news. But that's only what the government wants you to think. (For more information on Yesterday News, visit everythingaboutyn.eu.pn. Since that was just a hoax created for a school project, I'd consider only going there for gits and shiggles.) If you want to see some of the articles, visit our website at yestodaynewz.tk. Anyway, the branch of Yesterday News is running out of ideas, so if you have any fake newspaper articles, here is a place to show them off! I will immediately become a fan of whoever submits anything, and if you submit a full article, it will go on the website with whatever codename you want. If it is truly amazing, your article will be put in the official magazine of Yesterday News which will be distributed through paper, and also on the website. You will also get a whole chapter dedicated to you in my book, Free Boosts!

I hope I get submissions, and if I do, you are greatly appreciated and will definitely get a shoutout.

Winners:

1st place: Joel Marler with that really long comment. The amazing attention to detail, and the way that the "article" engrossed me, I should have made this be first place a long time ago.

2nd place: Christy R. with this: https://www.booksie.com/487984-romance-at-the-local-haunted-manor

Also 2nd place: Beany with this: https://www.booksie.com/488281-fake-news-report 

If I get their permission, I will feature them in my magazine. That can be you! The contest is still going, though...


Submitted: November 20, 2016

© Copyright 2020 Bruvton. All rights reserved.

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Comments

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Mac Childs

Is this ongoing? I mean, it sounds like fun and I could use the practice...can we contribute multiple articles?

Wed, November 23rd, 2016 6:52pm

Author
Reply

The contest will hopefully go on for a long time, and you may submit as many articles as you want at a time. Have fun!

Wed, November 23rd, 2016 6:54pm

avatar

Beany

Do we write this article here in comments? Also can it be anything we think up? are there any limitations to the topics we can cover?

Thu, November 24th, 2016 7:53pm

Author
Reply

You can write it in the comment, you can write it as its own story, you can send it on the website, you could write it on a bathroom wall and send me a picture. It doesn't matter where you write the article, as long as I can get it in the end. Also, it can be anything you think up, and the only limitations are that you can't be racist, sexist, or anything of the such.

Thu, November 24th, 2016 11:09pm

avatar

Beany

ive written a rough newspaper report for you to read its on my list. not sure its any good but your welcome to have a gander.

Fri, November 25th, 2016 9:32pm

Author
Reply

Okay. I'll take a look!

Sat, November 26th, 2016 1:04am

avatar

Joel Marler

Transcript:


Good evening, I’m Noel Christie: and you’re listening to Snap News.

In international news, Ninel Borislav of EURussia opened up to the idea of the JAPIndia trade bloc, offering to relax trade restrictions with the bloc if it restricted trade with China. Fang Ju of China called the move ‘unhelpful’ and retaliated by offering to relax trade restrictions with the United States if it restricted trade with EURussia. Borislav described China’s action as ‘uncooperative’ and responded by offering to relax trade restrictions with the United States if it restricted trade with China. Ju called the move ‘a knee-jerk reaction’ and retaliated by offering to relax trade restrictions with JAPIndia if it restricted trade with EURussia. Jurojin Fukurokuju of JAPIndia and Emily Rice of the United States responded by relaxing trade restrictions with each other and restricting trade with EURussia and China. The head of the South Asian Council was unavailable for comment.

In local news, hazardous viral goods freighter Izanami has sunk three kilometres off the Auckland harbour earlier today due to an apparent breach in its lower hull. The vessel contained an experimental strain of the I53NR gene flu virus, which had been loaned to the University of Sciences and described as ‘highly infectious and lethal’ by lead scientist Susanoo-no-Mikoto of the flu research project. Mr Mikoto stressed the gravity of the situation, but maintained that ‘with a co-ordinated international response this potential epidemic can be contained.’

Going over to politics, Green-Labour leader Bob Henry lashed out against the National party in response to the crisis, claiming that ‘if it wasn’t for this government’s free-market dogma the shipping industry would be better regulated… none of this would have happened.’ Prime Minister Murray Evans responded by pointing out that it was the Labour party who originally deregulated the shipping industry in the late twentieth century, and in any case ‘it was an accident that could have happened to anybody.’

In business news, the stock market rallied on the announcement of the impending epidemic, rising 2.3 percent, on hopes this would ease stubbornly high unemployment. At the Aotearoan Investors Union Conference [AIUC], CEO Sarah Sheen remarked that ‘none of us [AIUC members], of course, should be celebrating,’ as ‘the epidemic will introduce a lot of uncertainty into the economy after all.’ She went on to point out, however, that ‘this cloud does have a silver lining,’ as ‘the unemployed tend to live in over-crowded housing, and this virus will affect those living in over-crowded housing the most.’ In Sarah’s view ‘welfare costs have been going up for too long,’ and this epidemic could, on the upside, ‘help rectify our country’s inequitable budgetary situation and precipitate enhanced conditions for the generation of financial returns in the process.’

The government announced that it remains on track for surplus in three years time.



Good evening, I’m Noel Christie: and you’re listening to Snap News.

In international news, the I53NR gene flu virus has spread to China in a contaminated cargo of topsoil. Landcorp shares fell 3.1% on fears this would impact the company’s international brand image. The Chinese ambassador to New Zealand, Dong Guo, expressed ‘dismay’ with Landcorp’s supposed ‘lax biosecurity measures,’ but emphasised that ‘the relationship of our countries remains one of friendship.’

Going over to politics, Green-Labour leader Bob Henry criticised the government ‘for not subsidising I53NR related funeral services,’ a cost ‘many hard working kiwi families simply cannot afford to pay.’ Prime Minister Murray Evans responded by revealing plans to build a massive crematorium, which will create ‘more than a thousand jobs’ in the process.

In business news, the government has announced that tax revenues continue to fall due to declining population figures. However, the government reassured the business community that government expenditures are also declining ‘at an exponential rate.’ Wind and solar subsidies costing an estimated 3.4 billion a year have been scrapped as ‘carbon reduction targets will easily be met anyway.’ Stocks rose 0.8 percent on news the government remains on track for surplus in three years time.



Good evening, I’m Oliver Reid: and you’re listening to Snap News.

In international news, the I53NR gene flu virus has apparently broken through the South China quarantine, with cases being reported in Shenyang, Yinchuan, and Kashgar. Medical companies around the world continue their race to develop a vaccine, which is expected to earn the winning company up to ten trillion dollars Aoteroan.

Going over to politics, Prime Minister Murray Evans announced in parliament this afternoon that the country is becoming less reliant on imports, with import values falling to the lowest level since 1933. Green-Labour leader Bob Henry retorted by revealing that export values have also fallen to the lowest level since 1933, and that the population has fallen to the lowest level since 1891. ‘This country is going backwards under National,’ claimed Green-Labour, amid calls that if Green-Labour were in power ‘we would’ve all died long ago.’

In business news, the average number of sick days taken by employees has risen by over three-hundred percent over the past month, according to the Employers Union. ‘While many of these cases are legitimate, we fear that some employees are taking advantage of the pandemic, hoping no-one will notice if they throw a sickie for a day or two’ said Mike Davis, union CEO. ‘But we have our suspicions. If it turns out they didn’t come in to work because they died, that’s understandable; but if it turns out they didn’t come into work for a justifiable reason, they will lose their job.’



Good evening, I’m Julie Wang: and you’re listening to Snap News.

In international news, the shares of tinned food manufacturers and ammunition suppliers have in many cases tripled in value over the past week as speculators continue to gamble that civilisation will soon end. ‘We’re banking on a return to nomadism’ said hedge fund manager Manjeet Singh. ‘Even if pockets of civilisation manage to survive, we’ll still make profits in excess of five-hundred percent.’

Going over to politics, Minister of Finance Bill Summers announced that the tax system is being simplified into one substantial poll tax due to the widespread deaths affecting the Inland Revenue Department. Green-Labour criticised the move, saying that, ‘while there are clearly some organisational difficulties at the moment the tax will hit hard working kiwis, hard.’ Green-Labour also criticised the privatisation of government departments and functions, claiming that ‘the Employment Relations Court should remain in public hands.’ The government defended the moves, saying they were necessary if we are to remain on track for surplus in three years time.



Good evening, I’m Emily Patel: and you’re listening to Snap News.

In international news, there are growing fears that the I53NR pandemic is creating a global stock market bubble. ‘Businesses around the world are having difficulty retaining staff. Investors are responding by pulling out of the real economy and buying up shares instead’ said independent analyst Xi Ling. ‘If the human population ever recovers to its previous record high, the dividends will start streaming in.’ But Ling claims that at the moment ‘share prices are perhaps slightly elevated above market fundamentals.’

Going over to politics, the National party has dropped five percent in polls since the crisis began, with their handling of the crisis quoted as one of the main reasons for the fall. Green-Labour leader Bob Henry claimed that since National came to power ‘eighty-two percent of humanity has been wiped out.’ Prime Minister Murray Evans responded by pointing out that ‘since the Aoteroan population was declining less quickly than the world average, Aoteroa was actually seeing a relative population increase.’ The shift of parliament to an undisclosed remote area of the Urewera mountains is due to be finished by the end of the week.

In business news, stocks fell 0.4% on perceptions that the economy is becoming too feudal. Mitre 10 and Kings Plant Barn continued to perform well however, rising twenty-four cents and nineteen cents per share respectively.

The government remains on track for surplus in three years time.



‘…Fears the vaccine’s too expensive-’ ‘…on track for surplus in three years ti-’ ‘-ccusations the company is profiting from the pandemic at the expense of-’ ‘…the government remains on track for surplus in three years ti-’ ’-embers bill to propose voting on whether to set up an independent inquiry to submit recommendations on the feasibility of subsiding-’ ‘…census will not be taken this year-’ ‘if re-elected, will take the necessary measures to remain on track for surplus-’ ‘-oter turnout was lower than expected-’ ‘-cessary if we are to remain on track-’ ‘…verage life expectancy rates have fallen by n-’ ‘…resh outbreak from contaminated cargo of vacci-’ ‘-on track for surplus-’ ’-ave no comment-’ ‘‘…was when the riot turned ugly’ said-’ ‘-three years ti-’ ‘…grave digging boom continues-’ ‘-ains on track-’ ‘…still on tra-’ ‘-ee, years, time.’


End of transcript

Sat, December 10th, 2016 7:44am

Author
Reply

Holy. I never knew that this contest would get me sitting on the edge of my seat. A couch, to be exact. This was a great take on the fall of the human race, and right now I think you just got yourself a definite first place. I will update the contest once I have time, which may or may not be in three weeks due to traveling and lack of internet while doing so. Sorry for the late response, and thank you for the great article!

Thu, December 15th, 2016 10:20am

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