A Clown’s Painted Smileby Candice Ann Moraga
Every time that I was hit
Every time I was forced to submit
Each time I felt like shit
It was all I could do to endure it
A little piece inside of me cried
A little piece inside of me died
More hurt and rage I am forced to hide
More blackness and darkness festers inside
I cannot seem to make it right
I cannot seem to turn towards the light
Peace hovers just out of my sight
And nightmares haunt me in the night
Will this shit hold me down for all my life?
Will it cause me endless and ceaseless strife?
Will no one deem me a suitable wife?
Will I never feel safe, though I carry a knife?
Won’t someone see the good in me?
Won’t someone love me, and set my heart free?
Won’t someone make me squeal with glee?
And won’t someone kiss this damn bruise on my knee?
It’s killing me – all the pain I conceal
I want to forgive – I want to heal
People don’t like when I show the real deal –
Makes them uncomfortable when I reveal
I can’t even write on the back on that page
The ink shows through, hard pressed from the rage
I thought that I would feel better with age
I’d be somehow older and wiser – a sage
The mask I’d adopted to hide my pain
Has, of my existence, become the bane
All sweetness external – a Candi cane
Inside the turmoil, the storm clouds, the rain
But people don’t want to be brought down
They prefer a forced smile over a frown
And this is a cold and heartless town
Where they jam-pack the bars – In their beers, they drown
Once again, I am forced to play the clown
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