I am me me I am

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I am
on December 13. © All rights reserved

Years of emotional and physical abuse
I've thought my life to be worthless.

Submitted: December 14, 2007

A A A | A A A

Submitted: December 14, 2007



I am
on December 13. All rights reserved

Years of emotional and physical abuse
I've thought my life to be worthless.

Dwelling within my inner thoughts
and wallowing in my pain.

I have feared man and deemed myself
unworthy of tenderness and affection.

Pushing many away due to the skeptical
turmoils of my own emotion's.

I happened upon a man whilst at work
he a bartender and I a cook.

Needless to say he overwhelmingly stole
my heart with kind words and caring voice.

A struggle began within my self
Am I deemed worthy of his love?

Indeed I was he swept me off my feet
showing me how life was supposed to be.

But Jekyll and Hyde still remained within myself
and yet the drinking took it's toll.

I had become an alcoholic and
he thought God sent him to help me.

He fought for our love unselfishly
accepting the hurt I bestowed upon him.

He stuck by my side through thick and thin
he was my savior my knight and shinning armor.

Showing me that I am beautiful
and a person he could love.

A person worthy of tenderness and affection.
A person worthy to bear his child.
A person to spend the rest of his life with.
A person worthy of living another day
with out the tragic turmoils of life.

Author notes

These Are My Letter's While In Jail For Violating Probation For Drinking
Letter's were wrote While I was in jail because of my drinking These letter's were supposed to help me through my drunkenness but failed I later straighten up you have to read my tales of an Alcoholic to get the whole picture..

To Cara From Mark
Dear Cara I will begin this letter as with all my letters by saying that with which I would most cherish to hear from you, and that, is that I do still love you with all of my heart and soul and I miss you with every breath that I take.It is with my earnest prayer that this letter finds you in the best of health both physically and spiritually, and that you are not harmed from your current disposition.I am well, or at least as well as can be expected, I have started working out at the gym again and am going through the torture of quitting smoking, I have lost a few pounds and I feel pretty good physically, emotionally though I am a wreck, I am still plagued by nightmares and can find no comfort for you are not here, my heart is broken and the silence of my pain is deafening.My greater concern however is you, I worry for your safety and fear for your emotional stability, the same questions pulse over and over in my heart, are you alright, are you well, are you suffering in any way, can I help , what can I do? I know that the anguish of being pent up must be terrible for you and I truly wish that it had not happened, I know that in reality we both know that I cannot control your actions and at the time neither could you, and I somehow think that maybe god intervened in your life to save it. I do however pray that you are taking time to analyze your life and since you are now sober maybe you can take some steps to help yourself, and make plans for your future. Which brings me to the purpose of this letter I will begin by making a statement and then I will prove that statement by bringing to bear the evidence and will let you decide if it is true The statement: I love You The Evidence: Through the countless lies that you have told me, the drinking, the disrespect, not moving in like you said you would, the loss of our baby due to your drinking, stripping for others and staying at their house((Note: I vaguely remember this and I believe I was raped I woke up and snuck out of the house walking for miles until I found a phone and manage to call mark He found me on the side of the road close torn, bruises upon my face))and this other stuff with Gary, Through all of that and more I have endured and yet here I sit, pen in hand, writing to you with as much love in my heart for you as ever and more that that the willingness to put unto writing what I am about to say: I forgive you because I truly still love you. It would be easy for me to say that all of those things came to be because of alcohol but then you could use that as an excuse, and for these actions there is no excuse you must bear the burden of your actions drunk or otherwise.However the forgiveness of my heart does not extend due to the excuse of alcohol, I extend my forgiveness because I love you and true love is forgiveness. I do not think that you have ever had true love in your life, no not even from your parents, and I think a lot of times you were skeptical of my love, and did not trust me but through all of the things that you have put me through I have remained loyal and true to one person.... You!
and even though you are where you are right now, think about where I am , I'm writing to You! If that is not enough to prove my dedication then I hope what I continue to write will be. When I think of you I think of many times we talked about your dreams and how you just wanted a normal life, a little white house with a picket fence type of life, and I took you seriously and have taken it upon myself to provide you with that life, that dream and so I make you this offer look at yourself see what your lifestyle has gotten you thus far and if you like what you see then keep it, and keep it to yourself, for I will not lower myself to that level and will have no part of it, but if you don't like what you see then change it take this opportunity to seize life by the horns and control it As I have told you many times before, your eyes are in front of your head not the back, so look forward to the future and stop comparing it to the past. I know that change is difficult it is tough to enter the future with voices of the past calling you backwards but if you are strong and you continue forward you will put many miles between you and your past and those voices will fade away into the distance. Between your past and your future and this is my plea : You have the unique opportunity to walk out of there a new person I beg of you to come back to me. I will help you build a new life, new friends (true friends) new goals and new adventures, new memories, and new hopes, I will get you the help you need and provide you with the love and attention you deserve, I want to do the dance of love with you want to hold your hand and watch the sun rise and fall on fours seas, I want to shower you with gifts and bathe you in romance. I want to caress your skin with my hands and soothe your heart with my song. I want to hold you in your sleep and wish you away into your dreams. I want to do the do the dance off love with you Cara Will you take my hand and let me lead you onto the dance floor of life, take my hand and let me waltz you into a brand new world. I am the man of your dreams but you never let me show you, I ask of you now, walk out of that world you are in and walk into a new one with me, let me show you the way to your dreams, let me be the one to share them with you. I know it is difficult but it will be easier to do with someone who truly loves you... as I do.And so I have said My peace, I have offered you all that any woman could desire, and I have done so gladly If you choose me and the life that I offer then I will surely be the happiest man alive and will begin the process of helping you, I will get a attorney and approach your judge personally and plead for your release to rehab, I will get the psychiatrist that I found for you and get him to see you as soon as possible, I will prepare a place for you in my home and in my heart and will bring you anything you need.Should you choose otherwise I will no longer write to you or call you or have any other contact with you in any way. I will suffer with my broken heart alone and will only dream of the dance that could have been Please answer soon for I need to know what I should do Love Mark Henderson
To Mark: From Cara
Mark Hello again , Just received your letter today. Finally! Like my drawing? Don't know what to say or how to answer your letter. I know what I want and I want it bad. I don't want to get what I want fearing I'll still feel the same as I do now. I can't change I'll always be stuck in this crappy world, I live in. I wouldn't know how to change. Couldn't learn to live with a new me . I've been this way for way to long. I'm sorry but you should just let me be. Let me go on. No matter how much I want to change, wanting new memories, hopes, for my dreams to come true. I could never go there. Would never be happy (truly)Never been happy, wouldn't know how to be happy. I can never forget my past no matter how much I want to. Can't forget the recent past and won't forget the future. My mind will be so full of unpleasant memories by the time I die. You should go on and make someone else's life perfect I'm sorry . I’m scared of both a good or bad future. Doesn’t matter which I choose . You deserve better than I can give. More than I can give. I'm not worthy of any good. You can't help me. psychiatrist's can't help me. A.A. won't help me, rehab won't help me. Only person who can bring me out of this crazy world is God when he's through punishing me. Been 23 years and he ain't through yet. What did I ever do? Why did I have to be brought up in a World of crap, world of abuse, world of drinking? Why do I do stupid things that I do? Why do I choose the wrong thing to do? Why is it only me and my family that's had to deal with so much? Why can't I black it all out? Why can't I forget every bad thing that’s happened to me? I’m sorry but I think it would be impossible for us to be together. I think we should part ways. Go help someone else achieve their dreams. Cause I'd never be happy anyway if I did have my dreams come true I'm Sorry Cara
To Mark From Cara
Sorry It's me again Don't know why I am writing again Cause you probably won't even read , but if you do You'll know whats in my Heart, I miss You, I love You, I don't know why I've done the things I've done I don't know why I was so scared Don’t know why I’m crying right know but I am. I’m an idiot I’m a failure I don’t deserve to be alive I cant control my feelings I can't control my actions Just go with the flow I’m not ever happy I’m always depressed I’m a mess of emotions all the time I need help I can't go on like this It's not healthy I don’t want any thing but help right now let the rest be a surprise to my life. Don't know how I’m to get back on my feet Well I never have been on my feet so I don't know how I'll stand. Don’t know how I'll take it if I stand How will it affect my life How will it feel to think good thoughts? I'm a mess I don't know what to do for fear of many things. What an Idiot Drunk I am Need answer's and advice Cara
To Cara From Mark:
Dear Cara I Love You I sent you a letter yesterday,
Today I received your last letter,Let me Love You and I will Let me Help You and I will Call Me as Soon as You Can Love Mark Henderson
To Mark From Cara Mark Hey how ya doing Me well crappy, the weathers crappy, this place is crappy, Every thing is fucking crappy. Anyway sorry for writing got bored of reading , bored of sleeping, bored of playing cards. Started thinking about you. I wish you were still a bartender So I can come and visit you every day, Come help clean up every night, Play a game of pool, I miss you not having a job for a few cause then you were as the same as me, with me. I miss your parents being gone and having the house all to our own Your kids over every now and then, The mowing of grass, picking of apples, The swing, the couch to fall asleep on while listening to you wash the dishes, or talking on the phone, or doing your crosswords. Miss that homely atmosphere. It was peaceful that way till your parents came home That’s what ruined it all Besides getting Hunter back again and seeing Dwight . Wish we could go back in time. And change a few things like them not coming home(parents) The apartment didn't have the same feeling, you had a different job, I couldn't come and see you no more, Couldn't go to breakfast with you or the wheat field in the early morning under the stars. Your job and your new place is what changed it's what took you away from me. Not really the drinking. I didn't go away you did. I stayed the same You changed Sorry that we can't be together.
To Cara From Mark:
Dear Cara I just received your letter and I must admit that I am truly heartbroken by your decision.
Though rejected, my feelings have not changed I still love you and always will. I am sending you this letter with a copy of the last letter you sent to me as a reminder of what you wrote, the purpose of that so to reply to your statements Change takes time, one must have patience and exhort effort, and one must try.
The healing of wounds so deep require the healing powers of love and forgiveness and if you will not permit me to be the one to administer that aid then let God, for he is the only one who loves you more than I do, He is the only one who cares for you more than I, and he is the only one who can save your soul. Turn to him and he will heal you, and save you.We know not what tomorrow brings, what decisions we will make, or paths we will choose, and to that end I make this statement, My offer still stands eternal, You may change your mind at any time, My heart and my door are forever open to you, I will take no other as a love, for you are the last. Someday the winds of change will flow through your heart, and when they do, I will be here. Be it today, tomorrow or ten years from now, fear not , for you may come to me and I will honor my promise.
My door and my heart are always open If you ever need a place to rest or sleep, or hide I will harbor you, I will feed you if you are hungry and will wash you if you need, I will comfort you and warm you if you are cold, also I will just be your friend if you just want someone to talk to. My house is your home whenever you need, My heart is your heart whenever you choose.
Sincerely with Love Mark Henderson Ps Yes I do like the picture pss If you come to my apartment and you don’t see my truck that does not mean I am not there I park it in the garage now.I love You are always worthy of God, he will accept you as you are and so Will I Remember the tracts you found they are true.
To Cara From Mark
First I must apologize for typing this letter instead of hand writing it, I know that it is uncouth but My arm is sore from working out and it hurts to hold it up on the table and makes my hands shaky. In the past four days I have received 3 letters from you , all of which have affected My mood drastically. However none of them have changed My Heart, I do still Love You, regardless of My Mood. I responded to the first letter and included a copy of the letter You sent to Me, Basically You stated that I should move on and make someone else happy, My letter of response was to assure You that My feelings will never change and that you are the last Love I will ever have and that You are always welcome to come to Me and I will Honor My Promises.Soon after that I received Your 2nd letter that I will copy and enclose basically says You love Me and You miss Me and You want a new life but don't know how to get it, and that You wanted help and needed help, I took that as a cry for My help, Something I have been offering all along. That letter lifted My Heart and soul to a new high and I rushed a letter to you asking you to call me as soon as you could, My hopes were High that you were set to try, and I eagerly want to help. Now today I received another letter from you that is reminiscent of the first, and once again My heart has slipped into darkness, not because of what You say in the letter but because of Your perception of who I am and who You fell in Love with.I will also include a copy of that letter also so that You may see things that I wish to point out to you. First of all, you keep apologizing for writing to Me , Stop that, you write to Me because You still Love Me in Your Heart and I know this, and it is a joy to My Heart to see You go through the trouble of proving it.Secondly You say that you miss me being a bartender, helping Me clean up and shooting pool, You say that at that time I was the same as You, But that is not true, You did not even Know Me as a bartender, You knew My Name, You knew my talent as a Bartender, you knew how I looked, dressed, Carried Myself and very little else, and likewise I did not know You either, I knew Your name, How You looked, dressed and that You drank a lot in an effort to hide from reality, I also knew that that was not the real You.It was not until after You went to DUI hotel for a week and dried out a little that I finally got to see the real Cara, and I must admit I was quite stricken by the entirely different person I saw, and to be honest I was quite attracted to You after that, I liked the Sober Cara, She was Interesting and smart Funny and Nice, I definitely like the Sober Cara You also were sober enough to get to know the real Me, and if you recall, You were trying to stop drinking so much because I had made a few comments about just getting out of a relationship with a drunk and how I hated it, Yes Cara, I did notice that in fact that is what led Me to flirt with You in the first place, I could see what You were doing, and why, I greatly respected that and was very flattered by it. And if you recall the times that We went for breakfast and the talks that we had had nothing to do with drinking, they were about us, as individuals, hopes and dreams, desires and wishes, fantasy and reality, Life and Love, when those conversations became more serious it was then, in the parking lot of Tee-Jays You sitting in Your car and I outside kneeling beside You that you told Me how You felt about Me, and I told You how I felt the same.
It was the night I also told You how Much I was hurt by My last love due to alcohol and that if You were serious about Me You would have to either get it under control or get help, and at the time You emphasized to Me an Extremely strong desire to get it under control, it was at this time that I also told you that You would have to do it for yourself and not for Me, and you agreed that that was the case, You knew even then that You could do it.I also must confess a secret to You, One that I have not revealed thus far because you have not been sober enough to think hard about it, but now I'm sure you are and this I shall reveal it.On that Night I knew what I wanted to say to you , and hoped that You wanted to say the same to Me, But because of My previous experiences with an alcoholic I wanted to be sure that any serious conversation that We would have would be done sober, and so when You came into the bar that night I was talking to You about controlling Your Drinking and had challenged You to only drink two that night, well you drank four but that was all night and I was sure that You were not drunk, it might have been sneaky but I had to hear You speak from a sober heart. It was also the night that we went to the Wheat Field, it was then that We not only made Love but Created a Love, Between Us.It was that night that both of Us were sober, very sober, We fell in Love....sober.
In Your letter You go on to say how You miss the time We spent at My Mother's house while they were traveling out west, The mowing of the grass, the swing, the apple tree, the nap's You took, You described it as a homely feeling, and it was a very comfortable feeling, and it was it was the time that We spent together just the two of us, and we spent that time getting to know each other, falling in Love with each other more and more each day, I like to think of that time as the Happy Time and I think of it often, I know that You do too, and I know that You want times like that back again just as much as I do.But there is one thing about that time that You are forgetting, at that time You were pretty much dry, We would occasionally drink a little but You were basically sober, the real Cara was out, The Cara that had been suppressed by so much drinking was alive again and enjoying every day., the real Cara, the Cara that I fell so madly in Love with was alive and Loving Life, soaking up each day like a dry sponge, I could see it in Your eyes Cara, the real you was Free Free to love again, and We did Love again. I with You and You with Me and that love was growing stronger every day, and You did it Cara, the real You, The Sober You.Think about it Cara, when we fell so much in love, You were sober, and You were free.When you think that I am trying to change You into something You are not, You are mistaken, I am trying to get back something that I know you already are. Just like You said in Your letter, You wish that we could go back in time, I too wish the same, I wish that I knew then what I know now. I could have helped you and You would be with me right now. I know that you don't want to hear this but I am not trying to be mean, I am only being Honest, I know now that you definitely have a "dual Personality Disorder" if I had only known then when you were sober I could of gotten you the help you needed and You would be over it by now. Our lives would be like the time We spent on the swing, every day.That is why I wish so hard that You would let Me help You now, I know what is wrong with you, it is allot like Jekyll and Hyde, the problem is that you allow Hyde to take over, You allow Yourself to give up The struggle You feel inside all the time is Jekyll Trying to get out, The real Cara wants to be free but the alcoholic Cara wants to wallow in suffering. The only way you can fix that problem is to see a Psychiatrist, It doesn’t hurt but it sure would help, In fact I know that it would cure You and Allow You to have Your life back, and when that happens I would Love to be a part of it.Think back at all that has happened between Us, and how it came to be surely You will see what I mean. When we were at My Parents House We both knew that it would end and when it would end, but unlike what You say in Your letter, their coming back did not bring about our demise, it was the change itself that You did not handle well, and I understand why you allowed the Alcoholic Cara to take over again....Fear... The fear that we could no longer spend time alone together, and it was true, We had to wait until I started a new job before we could get a place of our own , which by the way you were looking forward to it very much, but deep down inside You allowed the alcoholic Cara to convince You that it probably wasn't really going to happen, When we applied for the apartment You were convinced that We would not get it for some reason or another and I could tell you were a bit shocked when we did get it.But remember We had waited almost 3 weeks before we could move in, it was in that time that the Alcoholic Cara took over, It was then that you first lied to Me, It was then that You lost all sense of reality and began not showing up for dates disappearing for days on end, it was then that the real Cara gave up, it was then that my pain began.Since then I have learned a lot about you, I understand why You didn't think we would get the apartment, and why You were afraid to move in and I understand Your distrust of not only Me nut all Men, I tried My hardest to show You My Sincerity, and that I was trying to talk to the real Cara only the drunk Cara heard Me, and I am still trying today, right now to convince You of My Love but to show You I am sending You a copy of each of the letters that You have sent to me over the last 2 day's Look at them and read them as if it were someone else , In the first letter that Cara is Crying out for me that Cara needs and wants help, that Cara is reaching her hand out of her Misery and is trying to get back the freedom she so recently had, that Cara is the real You, that Cara is the Cara that wants a swing, an Apple Tree, a Wheat Field and an endless night filled with stars, that Cara wants happiness, that Cara is the Cara that was before the alcohol, That Cara is Real. Then read the other letter, that Cara places blame on others for Her misery, That Cara convinces the real Cara that no one really cares about her, that Cara gives up and gives in at every obstacle life has thrown her way, that Cara is an alcoholic and is not ashamed of it. that Cara will do anything in Her power to keep the real Cara from getting help for if the real Cara gets help the Alcoholic Cara will no longer exist.Through all of your troubles that you suffer, that is what it really boils down to, the struggle is not Your own feelings Your feelings are good and healthy, your true feelings are the true You. most of Your struggle is with an Alter-Ego that has not only manifested itself due to an unhappy childhood and Adult life but to make it worse is also an uncontrollable alcoholic, rid yourself of the Alter-Ego and You rid Yourself of almost all your problems, then the real You can once again find Happiness that You so much desire and yes so much deserve.I beg of You Cara, let the real You be strong enough to go to a psychiatrist, it is the only way You can be healed of Your Problems, the only way, don't let the alcoholic Cara make excuses, don't let Her make You lazy or convince You that it is useless, be strong Cara, Try. And as I promise if You decide to go I will get one that specializes in that arena and I pray I will pay for it also. It is about 3 am and I need to get some sleep, It is my most earnest Prayer that this letter will help You see Yourself in a better light, and I pray to God every night for You, I also hope that You will know in Your heart that I am not trying to convince You that I love You I am trying To show You just How much I really Do.Goodnight Cara I love You Sincerely with all My Heart Mark Henderson

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