Life, Abuse, Dreams A Letter to a friend from Jail

Short Story by: caralouann

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Hey baby me again,
Got tired of playing solitare and reading books so I'm writing you. Guess I should tell you some of my history. O.k. here we go. My alcoholic stems from a lot of things
1. It runs in the family. My parents are both Alcoholics. I never saw them drink in front of us, but saw Vodka, Rum , and Gin and etc. around the house. Got into a few times. I do remember seeing my dad roll & smoke joints in the car also. Said they were cigarettes. But when I got older I knew it was pot. Mostly Mom would go out to drinkby herself. She'd come home drunk or be drug home. but no matter what there was always a fight. We didn't dare come out of our rooms. Sometimes she'd blame it on us said she couldn't control us, we were brats, so we got beat also for her drinking. She was always drinking & my dad working or playing with his toys, or paintball matches. Never really spent time with us. When I got older I started lying for her. Defending her when she came home. Had to help her to the bathroom. Help her with her pants so she could pee. Hold her hair back so she could puke. Help her to her bed. Take care of her hangover. We had to do all of the chores. Since the time we were old enough to step up on a stool and reach the sink or washer. I'd always get in trouble for being the parent. Punishing my sisters and brother for their worngs. Freak'n wrong.
2. I always saw my grandpa and uncle actually drink beer and smoke cigarettes. Mom didn't smoke but dad did. She wouln't let him smoke around us though. Anyway gramps & uncle always had a beer in hand. So i got into it sometimes. Got busted once by my Dad. I took some home and didn't finish one so i dumped it out the window. He smelled it and searched my room and found 2 more oops. I was like 12 or 13.
3. Never had friends till I met this boy Rob on a field trip was 14 almost 15. My mom took me to his house and about shit. When she found out who his dad Jim and stepmom were. She new them from Darby Tavern. She'd even met Rob before. Jim knew how my Dad was from seeing him drag her out o few times. He was going to at one time help her get a divorce. Anyway made friends cause got drunk and stoned. They always let Rob have parties. So I made some friends in Orient. They were younger by a year or two, all boys. Then some got girlfriends and shit. At 1st I was the only girl, sides the stepmom. Had so much fun. Even enjoyed school a little better for a couple of years. Cause I had some friends. I could actually talk to people for once. Sometime Rob and I would go to his moms in Grandview. Met his friends there. They were like the gothic type. Chains, makeup, black clothes, loud rock-n-roll musicand shit. Pot smoke rolling, Beer cans flying Chugging 5th's of Jack & Jim, Poppin Extasy. God I got fucked up fucked up. After that shit we'd go to his Grandpa's Warehouse Johnson's Catering Roach Coach. We walked out of there with bags of goodies FREE! All the shit was cool for a whilethen I got a job at a Gun Club, then a car, then a 2nd job at krogers. Made new drinking buddies. Still got pot and beer from Rob and Jim whenever. But just got busy , didn't hang no more. School was much better being stoned everyday. Didn't have to listen to people's crap.

Ok enough reasons for right now. That's all I could think of for the moment.

My dreams when I was a kid were to be better than my parents. To have more than they ever had. To have a loving husband. Someone I could talk to about problems, life or whatever.
For me to listne to him. Instead of running to the bar like mom. To have kids. To have a country farm. Huge Barn indoor arena. Animals of choice by kids, husband, and me. I wanted lots of land. Fences dividing acres for horses, gardens, play area for the children. Wanted an older style house with wrap-a-round porch . The front would be beautifully landscaped. Want tall old trees around the house. Some of them having old iron wrap-a-round seats. Wanted a Gazebo in the back. Rose and FLower gardens around it. Walk through trelis between house and Gazebo. With vines and flowers upon it. A hammock, and many iron benches trough out the huge flower garden beside the paths. Wanted lots of friends so I could invite people over for cookouts. Have a huge stone pit barbeque. They could bring their kids. Kids could play and ride horse, fish in the pond i would have, just do whatever. Also wanted to have a guest house w/ screened in porch and aninground pool.
When I was a kid I always wanted to be a vet, police, fire , same as now. I always dreamed of being on tv in a horse jumper/rider comp. Wanted to race in a steeple chase in England. Go fox hunting w/ dogs and other riders. Wanted to go to alaska and run the Iditord Dog Sled Race. Wanted to travel the world. Ok enough of dreams for right now.
Ok I hated most all kids when I was younger. I grew up around older people. Summers I sprnet with Grandparents and their company. In Florida my aunts lived on either side and Jean and Andy lived down the road. Member Tim the guy with uncle Steve at Candlestick . They were his parents. I thought all kids were stupid idiots and inmature. I never really played with toys either. was to busy cleaning, give my dad a back massage, putting lotion on his feet, popping pimples on his back, and washing his hair in the bathtub of course it had lots of bubbles. my dad wasn't a pervert. Drying or combing his hair. My momshould have done these things. Sometimes he made us walk a mile to the store and back for skoal. pop or whatever. Because he was too lazy. At grandmas i always had to clean room, make bed, help dust, straighten my drawers, Cleant stalls, dog kennel, Feed Animals. Barely had enogh time to play. Always took off with horses 2-3 hours though. That's about all the fun I ever had. there. Playing in woods at home. though at times it was disturbing.
My sisters were always jealous cause I got to go to Florida. and Grandmas. I was jealous of them for having friends. They didn't include me in anything they were scaired I would get mad and hurt them. Chased Cari around with a knife one time. And another time with a ballbat her and her friend michelle werent helping me put up the christmas tree. Johnny and I got into a fight one time he wouldn't come home. So we got into it I broke his glasses and cut his face when i hit him. I was a mean little bitch.
At 5 yrs old in kindergarten I thought I was smarter than those idiot's. Ignored everyone. Didn't want to be there. One time I got mad a a girl named Dawn for being mean to someone so I grabbed the teachers paddle and hit her. Of course i got paddled back bt the pricipal. Never cried or said a word when he hit me mad him mad. Had to be strong. I remember sticking up for a boy Ben. He wore thick glasses, always slobbered, 1 leg shorter than the other so he limped, always had a cold snotty tissues on his desk. Nasty. Everyone picked on him of course I got mad got my self paddled for yelling at them. Stupid kids always picking on me trying to get me to cry and make me mad. They knew I was shy. Some knew the reason why. Kids from the trailer park would threatn me if i said a word bout what they had done to us. Would start shit if they saw me talking to anyone. People would call me names, like trailer trash, slut, whore, stuff like your mommas a... , Where'd you get your close from, neighbors trash. I always cried to myself never in front of anyone. Kept my pain and anger inside. This pissed em off so they picked on me more. To try to make me cry. On the playground, I always sat by the building. Watching everyone play boring games. Middle school wasn't as bad, more kids from different schools. I was spread out from my previous schoolmates. But still ran across some of those idiot's and they ran their mouths to new friends. Now I had new aggravations to deal with.
The reason I wa so shy was because me and amanda and cari were molested by neigborhood kids. Off and on from 5-14. Not going into detail don't remember much blacked most of it out. Just remembered it happened in the woods. At first they said we got stuff for ya candy, or a puppy's there and you know. Then it was blackmail or abuse to get us there. I remember carrying Christina around just so I could walk to get mail or to smoke in peace. So they wouldn't throw rocks or spit and throw mud at us for trying to avoid their meaness. A few times the shit happened in or house. When my mom was drimking and dad working. Keith the neigbor moved in next door with girlfriend Lisa and 3 kids at first mommy trusted them to keep an eye on us. They did at first. We was all over their house all the time playing cards . Lisa would do our hair. We'd watch their kids for them sometimes. They let us drink me 13 cari 12 amanda 11, mostly me. Then the shit started with keith. We went one night cari amanda, and me with him to get some firewood somewhere far away. On the way there he pput his hand between my legs. I got nervous Cari said he grabbed her butt that night when she picked up a log. I didnt go to his house for a few days. Went back and babysat One night fell asleep he came home sat down and started rubbing my hair and face then my breasts and under my dress waking me up. I jumped up felt guilty cause Lisa walked in. She said what the matter said nothing and ran out. Went back me cari lisa and him playing yuchre he started with his feet under the table got up and ran to the bathroom said i had to pee. This shit went on all winter. Finally day of my birthday Mommy and Lisa took cari and amanda and christina to go get my birthday present and cake me and johnny stayed home was riding our bikes they went by and stopped and said doors looked don't go to keiths either kids are sleeping just ride your bikes said allright 2 hours went by we were tired of waitnig so we went to keiths opened the dorr and walked in . He shoved Johnny out the door and locked it. He tried to rape me but I got away clothes half off. Later on we had my party over there. Didn't want to but he threatened me if i said a word. So I had to act like nothing happened. They fixed Daciquris Keith poured vodka in mine when my mom wasnt looking. 14 days later I got in a fight with a stupid bitch in the trailer court. i just let all my frustrations out. Bus driver had to pull me off of her. Later I told michelle cari's friend what happened and she told Lisa. Lisa came to me and I told her. Keith got in troble along with two kids. I just got mad and told everyone.
But from all of this crap Ive learned to be a good person. Learned to be independent. Strong, Not really screwed up from all of it. I hate looking back and have nothing good to remember. Guess I got to make a good memories now for myself and others im around.Got to go and don't lose this letter. I want it. Case I ever get to counseling. So I don't have to tell them why I'm fucked up . Just let them read.
Love u Love me Infinity
Please dont hate me for what i have wrote down dont want u to think well shes had a fucked up life and shes crazy Im not I am what I am I m fine just telling you some of my past.
Ps. My mom and dad are like totally different people know Theyve changed. Ive never really told anyone as much as Ive told you here. Dwight knows a little but not much details

Submitted: October 10, 2007

Memoir love dare abuse rape children family trees parties school god teachers drunk fish life world anger horses reading pain choice dawn strong tv brother home lying travel writing night gothic party drinking helping hand hate moment lazy anything memories people husband fire dreams fight hurt self winter cold girl boy car birthday boys tree remember gun sometimes girlfriend history am please fun trailer help crazy roll kids run christmas nothing lose mine past listen talk thought park baby waking house beer middle job animals friend reason ride vines dogs hunting matter act flying dust peace away mom chase start close said wanted police parents watch care days grandpa dad eye friends bad divorce frustrations times flower problems black tired knife bus clean chased dog mad puke wrong fox etc word trip toys others present myself inside games alcoholics alcoholic arena next stupid cry loving side knew busy lisa couldnt walk everyone feet someone play cards smoke ive always bubbles never ever letter window ignored tim couple year england farm schools playing washing let under come country looking reasons bring between type cause hours person stone seeing names before spread independent started once st cool idiots yelling breasts guy give drink guess nervous broke face fucked door try years sleeping done florida cut deal disturbing bar again mean flowers tall trying land hold clothes room chains everyday hair race running parent talking call bikes riders candy sisters paths garden bed whatever pants rose andy infinity road glasses finally alaska changed cried trouble style boring jack hang stopped building jumped anyway looked younger horse asleep field detail stalls learned loud uncle watching beat kid told beside keep jealous cigarettes inmature books trusted woods drug hangover didnt trash pull older ps barely court pop far guest working store hit read company bathroom ok throw shy sink across opened legs summers felt bathtub blame nasty mud either girlfriends rocks doors mommy steeple pot pond reach shed matches gardens tell fine lots buddies riding fixed wasnt front porch lived pervert guilty fell step till played upon remembered ya club hammock jim keith oops later rob drag log thats mile leg ran half vet rider locked screwed shes cake nd wa butt dress driver feed cleaning spent barn stool johnny iron hey vodka theyve picking somewhere rolling thick massage grandparents pissed wore coach gin pit wed table acres instead wouldnt beautifully jumper anyone moved walked dumped extasy rubbing solitare stems runs rum joints mostly drinkby rooms brats paintball defending pee chores washer punishing worngs freakn actually woulnt gramps busted finish smelled searched met stepmom darby tavern stoned orient sides enjoyed sometime moms grandview makeup rock-n-roll musicand cans chugging ths poppin grandpas warehouse johnsons catering roach bags goodies whilethen krogers whenever peoples listne huge indoor fences dividing wrap-a-round landscaped seats gazebo trelis benches trough invite cookouts barbeque screened aninground pool dreamed comp iditord sled hated grew sprnet aunts jean member steve candlestick putting lotion popping pimples drying combing momshould skoal grandmas straighten drawers cleant kennel enogh -3 include scaired cari ballbat michelle werent yrs kindergarten smarter named grabbed paddle paddled bt pricipal sticking ben slobbered shorter limped snotty tissues desk picked threatn bout mommas whered neighbors kept em playground sat previous schoolmates mouths aggravations amanda molested neigborhood blacked happened puppys blackmail carrying christina mail spit avoid meaness drimking neigbor firewood pput babysat yuchre stayed keiths allright waitnig dorr shoved tried threatened daciquris poured caris troble case counseling wrote telling totally dwight knows details

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Comments

girlish

You have endured so much in life.look at who you are now cara.Be happy and be strong. You have turned out to be qquiet a wonderful young lady in spite of everything.Hold your head high and carry on....
girlish

Wed, October 10th, 2007 5:06pm

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Reply

thanks

Thu, October 11th, 2007 3:50pm

Isabel WordenKlym

Funny how lives can be so similar. Keep up the good work, lady.

Wed, October 10th, 2007 6:25pm

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thanks

Thu, October 11th, 2007 3:50pm

ILiveForYou92

intense

Sun, November 30th, 2008 2:26am

Glo

wow, how disturbing...and yet, I can feel the resilience in your spirit and the strenghth in your convictions...remember, its never too late to become the person you always wanted to be!!!!